In laws

[ChrisTophat1070]

Need rational advice or just thoughts. My wife and I are moving house to be closer to her family, they live on the other side of the city, which is Belfast so literally 10 minutes away. But it's just too far for them to all see each other apparently so we have to move. I'm completely fine with the move as I want my wife to happy more than anything else. I'd move to the moon with her if she asked. My worry is that shes told me itll be great, as her parents can call round "every day". I like both her parents but 2 years ago we had them stay with us for 8 weeks while their house was being renovated. It was the definition of a good deed gone wrong on my part because they literally destroyed our home. They were messy, her dad broke nearly all our cups, plates and glasses, their dog peed and dumped all over our upstairs carpet every night, (it took over 10 shampoos to get the smell out), her dad broke our loft ladder and hatch, trashed our bedroom which we'd given up to them, and then the day they went home they left while we were at work, without saying a word and left us with no electric on the meter. Theres too much more to mention. It was like supervising playgroup. My wife thinks it's great they'll be bear enough to just walk in anytime they like but it makes my blood run cold thinking about it. Anytime I try to talk to my wife about it it turns into a fight and I back down. How do I deal with this. They are nice people but I dont want them in my house every single day or I'll have a breakdown. Any thoughts or musings would be great. Also tell me if I'm being standoffish. Thanks muchly

You need to lay the ground rules now, or pull out of the move. Explain to your wife that you are happy to move but she is NOT to give them a key and you expect to be able to enjoy most of your evenings in peace.

Is she interested in making you happy at all?

I'm completely fine with the move as I want my wife to happy more than anything else.
No problem, then, right?

It's a bit late to give this advice, but if you don't tell your wife honestly what you want and don't want in a friendly but clear way, she won't know what you want and don't want. Stop saying things you don't mean.

The problem here is also your wife; why is she very much still enmeshed with her parents here and theirs is a dysfunctional codependent relationship. What was her childhood like?. Her primary loyalty is still to them rather than you and that is very problematic indeed both for you and for that matter she.

How can you describe her parents as "nice people" after they trashed your home and used all your electricity like they did?. Presumably also they were they not billed for the damage they caused?. What was your wife's response to their wreaking what is her home too?.

I am certain that if you were to even accidently drop a cup in their home they would be at your throat in no time. Being a doormat to your wife and her parents has done you no favours at all; your boundaries re all of them need urgent revising upwards. I would also not move closer to them.

Yeah it's the evenings in peace thing, I work 10 hour days all week and when I get in I like to crash for an hour or so before getting on with my night. If they are there every night I cant do that. Plus the mess, anytime they've been to us since they stayed with us they just leave the worst mess. Which I end up cleaning.

It's not that I didn't mean the things I'd said to her. The things I've promised her come with a price for myself to deal with, which she can help me with if she saw fit to, but she wont because she puts me second. I'm just trying to gauge advice if I'm being a jerk because every fight we have I defo come away from it feeling like a total jackass

I am wondering why you agreed to the move. Is it too late to find some reason to go back on it?

10 minutes away already sounds quite close enough for most people; and your wife's desire to be even nearer is somewhat questionable.

You cannot go on simply pleasing your wife and not asserting your views as well, over this and over other things that will arise as your marriage proceeds. This is meant to be a partnership. If she cannot discuss your needs without it turning into a row, then your life is going to be very difficult.

Stop cleaning up after them all. Again by doing that you are only enabling and that gives you a false sense of control.

I would actually consider whether you still want to remain with your wife at all going forward. Such behaviour can and does end marriages.

Then tell her that!

You cannot live in such an enmeshed situation.

What happens next is going to be down to some open and honest discussion between you and your wife. So start talking, weather the rmotional toll it will take and ensure that neither one of you misunderstands the other!

AttilaTheMeerkat she was very close to her family when she was young, they all live within a stones throw of each other. So did she until I came along then she moved into my house at her own choice. They are nice people though, maybe just a little brash and insensitive. Wifes response was just to shrug and tell me I was overreacting

The weather is still on your side op. Take up being a nudist..
Tell you dw you will wear/not wear whatever you want /don't want in your own home.
Should keep them away.

Is your wife home all day with small children? Maybe that is why she wants their support so much. That's fair enough, but you need to stand your ground and make her realise you need to be happy in your home too.

You definitely aren't being a jerk.

About a year after she moved in with me her gran passed away, who she was extremely close to. She would have called in on her everyday when she lived in her old house. She felt like she wasnt there for her when she was dying and I got the brunt of it for "bringing her away from her family". Ever since that shes wanted to be closer to the rest of them. Again though, they love 10 mins away and own a car. We dont, my wife has to take 2 buses to get to them

No kids, no. I do have an 11 year old daughter from a previous person though. My wife is a nanny for a family though so shes got little ones with her all day, and we do talk about expansion. I'm sure its all contributing to her wanting to move

Also folks I'm new here and dunno how to tag names so you know who's getting a reply, sorry if the convo is a mess lol

Surely she was livid about them trashing your home and having dog shit all over?
There is literally no need to see family every day, I can't think of anything worse tbh, especially if they have so little regard for other peoples homes. They just wouldn't be welcome and your wife needs to open her eyes.
Is there own home dirty and trashed?

Their not there.

Oh yes, it's a pig sty. She readily acknowledges that they are messy but has never pulled them up about what they did in our house. I didn't either unfortunately because they were going through enough and I wanted to help them. If I had of started I wouldnt still be married lol

The things I've promised her come with a price for myself to deal with, which she can help me with if she saw fit to, but she wont because she puts me second.
The trouble is partly that you are putting yourself second, and it's only encouraging her to do the same.
That's only part of the trouble, of course, but we can't advise your wife...

You need to have some tough talks about this or your marriage isn’t going to survive.

If you can’t manage this alone then you need to go for counselling together. Put the house move on hold and work out an agreed Way ahead.

Don’t whatever you do get her pregnant.

I was going to suggest counselling, too, for the same reason - one or both of you are codependent and it is deadly for a relationship.
In the meantime, try to stop them getting the keys.

@ChrisTophat1070 does the move from one side of the city to another reflect any cultural or religious differences ?

I think you need to grow a spine and talk to your wife about how you felt about the way they treated your house. Let her know that you can’t cope with that kind of disrespect again and if you are around the corner from them and that shit happens again, you will lose it. Easy.

re your comment:-

"AttilaTheMeerkat she was very close to her family when she was young, they all live within a stones throw of each other. So did she until I came along then she moved into my house at her own choice. They are nice people though, maybe just a little brash and insensitive. Wifes response was just to shrug and tell me I was overreacting"

This dysfunctional dynamic started a long time ago and certainly predates your wife. These people are all enmeshed with each other and it is a very dysfunctional and unhealthy dynamic. Your wife is enmeshed up to the hilt with her parents and you are very much an afterthought here. Your own relationship with your wife is at real risk here of ending; all of this will make you over time more resentful of both her and her parents.

Why did you call them nice people when they clearly are not and live in a sty themselves?. Your boundaries need urgent raising upwards because acting as you have done has done you no favours at all. Being a doormat enables others to wipe their feet on.

Unfortunately for you, you ignored or otherwise simply did not recognise the red flags re her family of origin. You have an 11 year old daughter yourself; what do you want to teach her about relationships and what is she learning here from you two?. This is NO legacy to leave her.

Yeah I would not make the move.

Why doesn't your wife then clean up the mess her parents leave behind if she's the one who wants them there?

Your marriage wont last if this continues.

I can't see how this is going to work.

Yes to delaying the move.

Yes to counselling.

Yes to your wife gaining some sort of empathy for you.

Why was it you clearing up the in laws' mess in your house, not her???