How do I stop needing to be needed.

[SissyLongStockings]

Started chatting to a guy on Tinder. Seems nice. Arranging to meet for a date. Not sure if he is my cup of tea. Been single since the end of April. I know I'm not over my ex. But I have no family or friends and I miss having someone in my life that I would just settle for someone who treated me right. Now this guy from Tinder has gone away for a mini break. He's not married, no kids I'm pretty certain he is single so that's not the issue. It's me. I'm hacked off that he hasn't been in touch. I would have thought he would have text saying he was having a nice time or sent some pics like he has been doing when he's off out somewhere. I know where not in a relationship and I haven't contacted him since he left. But I'm feeling really down about it. I think I won't hear from him again. Then I start thinking he's a liar like the rest of them. I haven't even met the bloke! He has every right to do what he wants. I'm just sad and desperate at having no one. Please be gentle. I'm know I'm pathetic.

You sound like you need counselling. This isn't normal or acceptable OP as I think you've realised. You haven't even been on a date with him...why should he update you on his break?

Did you have a difficult childhood?

You need to work on making friends OP and having a support system (not always easy, I know) then you wont feel so inclined to need a random man to fill that void.
I would come off Tinder for a while. You know your thought patterns aren’t quite normal, you don’t know this man and are overly affected by his lack of contact.
What could you do to boost your self-esteem?

I don't think dating is where you should be focusing. You need to build yourself a social circle, otherwise the having a bloke thing becomes too central and too much pressure.

What interests do you have?

Do you work? Is there a social side to your workplace that you could get involved with?

It's tough with Covid right now, but there are online classes and clubs. I think Bumble has a friend-seeking side too?

Please learn to love yourself before you try to enter a relationship!!

@category12

I don't think dating is where you should be focusing. You need to build yourself a social circle, otherwise the having a bloke thing becomes too central and too much pressure.

What interests do you have?

Do you work? Is there a social side to your workplace that you could get involved with?

It's tough with Covid right now, but there are online classes and clubs. I think Bumble has a friend-seeking side too?

This. He, or any potential date, can’t replace an entire social life/ set of relationships.

Start with regular counselling. Read some books on codependency and toxic relationships. Reflect on what was modelled to you growing up (parents/grandparents relationship types) and whether you were placed into a position of ‘needing to be needed’ as you say, for your own survival. If you grew up in an emotionally neglectful home you have stuff to heal before you’ll ever have a healthy relationship. If you grew up in an emotionally abusive/toxic home you have stuff to heal before you’ll ever have a healthy relationship. If you were modelled needy, controlling, possessive ‘love’ by your parents you have a lot of stuff to heal before you’ll ever have a healthy relationship. You get the picture.

Most of our issues are rooted in childhood and maintained through inability to actually do the work to heal. Heal yourself and you’ll start to love yourself, develop boundaries, enjoy your own company, pursue your own passions etc. Through that you’ll attract someone who is also in a healing/healed place, who’s is not toxic or codependent and you can grow together and live a life that’s fulfilling, expansively, truly unconditional and respectful love.

Healing is hard, painful, loooooooong and lonely. Which is why we have so many messed up humans on this planet continually enabling each other to remain broken so we all feel better about how broken we are. The worst part is how many kids are then being born to broken ‘adults’ who then give them the same damage to suffer through and so it goes on....until someone stops, realises their behaviour isn’t healthy (like you are) and does the work.

Your self talk ‘I’m pathetic’ is what you’re telling yourself constantly you are, and what you’re taking into the world/all relationships. Tell yourself you’re pathetic and that’s in the back of your mind driving all you’re behaviour and you act in ways you deem pathetic so you can make that statement ‘true’. The mind is very powerful. If you can start changing your self talk that will also help. Try ‘I’m working towards truly loving myself’ or ‘I cannot change the past but am excited to improve my future’. Whatever feels right for you.

You cannot change/fix/control others. You can only heal yourself and in doing so you WILL attract better and healthier relationships (Romantic and friendship/platonic)

Good luck!!! 😊🙌

I think the advice from PPs to fill your time and focus on new people who may become friends and new activities that may become interests is right. But it is easier said than done at the best of times. It is now very difficult. For that alone you have my sympathy OP.

I do think you need still need to follow this approach. It will need more creative thinking due to social distancing. Obviously online is the way to go. I have no idea what interests you but maybe learn a language. Use that as the basis to plan a trip in the future. Do online wine tasting. Take up cycling, online or out in the open. Pick things that have group meet ups even if mainly online.

I reckon, take a year out from dating and do some work on you and building your social network.

If you've old mates you've lost contact with (for non-deliberate reasons), try to reconnect.
Into politics or got a cause? Join a local group.
Sporty? Join a club.
Into the arts? Join the "friends of" your local theatre.
Got kids? Join the PTA.
Like animals? The local rescues might need dogwalkers etc and always need fundraisers.

Try a load of different things and see what sticks, put all the energy and time you put into dating into networking instead, focus on people who seem nice but you don't have a sexual interest in (and who don't in you), make a concerted effort to make acquaintances, and to build from there.

as category12and other have said, focus on building a social network

in fact, I'd go one further and say focus on the interests - of which she gives an excellent list- rather than on the idea that I am only doing this activity because I need to find a friend

find an activity you can do because it matters to you

doesn't matter what it is: politics, environment, am-dram (the latter difficult atm, but I wouldn't totally rule it out, there are online groups)

whatever it is it needs to be interesting enough for you not to be anxiously watching other people

you need to have fun

that will ease the need to be compensated with friendship- and that in its turn will make you a better friend

I can be like this too. Usually when I don’t have enough going on to occupy my time giving me too much time staring at the phone. Usually I give in and shoot a text and to say “ Hope you’re having fun!” And if I get a reply great if not then I move on. Unless there’s a death in the family or a major catastrophe has occurred everyone has a few mins to text before they go to sleep or when they first wake up or even in the loo.