Still seem to struggle to read the signs with friendships

[studychick81]

I am 40 next year and really thought these worries were behind me but whenever I think I have got self confident and feel ok with myself I find actually I don't. I keep reverting back to the old issues and insecurities.

I have always struggled with friendships and have gone through periods of my life with no friends. As I have got older I have a small number of friends but they are firm friends. It seems so easy for some but I feel like I miss the signals, I don't know how to read if I am liked, if someone is a friend or more someone passing the time with me. I find it so hard to read people I then get stressed about it.

It's particularly new friendships I struggle with I worry people don't like me, I over analyse situations. This sounds pathetic but like today, I get talking to a school mum, we kind of meet half way as she is approaching another pairs of school mums I also know. I chat to her as the other two are chatting separately. I don't think about why they are hanging around or why they are chatting. We start walking down the road together chatting, again I think nothing of this, not reading the sign. Then one says well we are going for a coffee, nothing else. There is a pause and the other one I know less well invites me along, immediately afterwards apologising to the other two for inviting someone else along. Again I don't pick up on this and go along for the coffee. All ok. It's only afterwards I start thinking perhaps a look was exchanged that I didn't see about having invited me, that's why she apologised. Why wasn't I invited to the coffee originally by the other two I know better?

Later, on Facebook I see two other mums I am good friends with have met up for lunch together. Instantly I start over analysing these situations, asking myself if I am liked, why I have to do the inviting to places, why I am not invited, why I am not well liked. It goes round and round in my head to the point of paranoia. It gets to the point where I don't know what's real or imagined anymore. It's exhausting.

What would your tale be of the first situation? Am I being silly?

How can I stop myself from getting so anxious about friendships? I have a tendency to say the wrong thing and annoy people. I am never the person people are bothered about. I know they but how can I learn to not be so anxious about it.

Have you got a job?

I'm not saying it's the same for you-

Were you bullied/rejected at school at all?

It can cause anxiety.

I was in my 40s before I was told/realized I have autistic traits.

I had EMDR therapy to overcome painful memories of rejection. That was one thing that helped, but also binning an ex that treated me badly, even though I was a bit scared.

Think I'm only just now trying to care less about whether people like me, by deciding what my own boundaries are. What will you put up with from people, and what do you think is not ok? If you think like this then you're no longer a passive victim, you're your own person. Suddenly others' opinions/actions don't matter so much to you any more. Drawing the line on people treating you badly becomes part of you, as it is part of most other people.

Have activities/hobbies that are genuinely your own, you happen to enjoy. If you meet other people through your hobbies it's an added extra, but you enjoy them anyway.

Bin or don't have much to do with people who don't treat you well or make you feel good. It feels so much better, because you have some power you never felt you had before.

Start thinking that people who don't treat you well are twats, basically.

Yes, I do work but not a 9-5 full time job, bits and pieces here and there as have just set up my own business. I have been studying for the past year too. It's nothing to do with having time on my hands. I have always been like this when I was working full time or not.

I have been described as unapproachable before as I think I put up a defence to protect myself. I am not good in groups as worry others are closer than with me. I think I say/do the wrong thing. I just want to be able to stop my anxiety around this and not care, just let things develop.

Do you have anxiety OP? Only ask as this can manifest in overthinking other areas of your life. Mindfulness can help with social anxiety.

I don’t think the first interaction you mentioned is anything to worry about, if you went along and had a good time? Much easier said than done but try and focus on building your confidence and enjoying your own company - if the other mums don’t like you (I’m sure they do!) then try to chalk it up to experience and move on. You’ll find your tribe!

I'm the same OP. I hear you. I have Aspergers so this is particularly hard for me to read signs and I lack the 'finesse' to navigate these type of situations. I can't read people very well if you see what I mean, although I have good intentions. Totally get where you are coming from.

Thanks.

Yes, definitely had rejection when I was younger. I felt quite rejected by my dad as he was never there and I felt he didn't love me. I had counselling for that, we have an ok relationship now. Definitely felt left out and rejected by friendships in the past, but looking back I think I was an awkward child who was hard to get on with so I don't blame those people as I was negative and clingy. This has led to be always choosing the safe option in life though, scared of rejection and taking it very much to heart,so in the end not even trying because of being scared. This is my experience career wise.

I don't think I have anxiety overall, except in this area. I lack confidence and feel like I will fail at things and do them badly. So I don't do them.

My views of boundaries are quite complex and bit out of the ordinary. Previously I have been treated badly by people I thought were my friends but at the same time I think my boundaries are too high sometimes. I have had many friendships where the friendship has meant more to me than then. I expect too much and if a friend isn't meeting my expectations I think they aren't a real friend and have let friendships go. This was in my younger years, I don't think I do that now.

I have been described as unapproachable before as I think I put up a defence to protect myself. I am not good in groups as worry others are closer than with me. I think I say/do the wrong thing

Have a look at books, videos etc. for people known to have difficulty with communication, e.g. written for people with ASD ADHD and other additional needs. There may be some form of say non-verbal communication which you've not realised you either ignore because it doesn't seem relevant to you, or you are simply not aware of, that could be making things more difficult for you to understand and to be understood.

Here are a couple of examples, but if anything seems relevant, you can refine your search for things specific to you.

chadd.org/for-adults/relationships-social-skills/
www.skillsyouneed.com/ips/nonverbal-communication.html

I'm like you OP, I don't have any friends who I could call on for a cup of coffee for example. I've struggle with friendships all my life and I've realised the last couple of years that I have aspergers traits and I think this could be why. Most of the time I'm happy enough being on my own with my two DC but sometimes think it would be nice to have a friend to talk to properly but I just don't think it'll happen for me

That situation does sound a bit awkward.

Overall though, it actually sounds like you do pretty well friendship wise. You have a group of close friends, and have had a lot of different friends over the years, some who you've grown apart from which is normal. And you have new friends and are at least acquaintances with some mums from school. That's very good really. I wouldn't categorise you as struggling with friendships.

Be happy in yourself OP. People like that. Friendships are deep 👍

I continually goof with the sort of situations you describe e.g. whether to approach/stay with groups of mums. My children are now diagnosed with ASD and it makes me wonder, am I autistic too? I actually find it quite liberating; that that's the explanation for why I find it all so awkward. It was pretty rude of her to invite you and then apologise to the others for inviting you. But that's the irony; the popular with the group mums seem to indulge in a lot of weird behaviour, if you ask me.