My sister, always the victim and so bitter

[Dalrymples]

I have a sister with whom I have a difficult relationship because (as I see it), she is so constantly bitter about everything, she is always the victim, and people are always out to get her.

I find this incredibly frustrating, partly because it must be so exhausting to be her, but also for the negative effect it has on everyone around her, including me. She quite simply can never be happy for anyone.

She is an older sister, and she had a tough time for a while at school and didn't achieve very well. Subsequently, she left school, met a guy, and they've been together ever since. However, from my perspective, they have a dynamic where it is them against the world. They have two children, but they also have no friends.

I recently got pregnant through IVF, after quite a long journey, and it was clear just how unhappy it made her. I suggested that when I tell people about it, I might explain the IVF, and she explained to me that would be " boasting", about how special I and the baby was. She can make herself the victim about anything.

What is also hard about the situation is that we tend to tiptoe around her to save her being upset, but she will never make any effort for others (for example, she didn't come to my wedding).

I keep on hoping she will see how her behaviour is so negative, but I fear it's impossible to change her. I don't want to cut her out as we're a small family, but the bitterness is so upsetting.

Any advice on how to deal with this?

No advice OP but my mum is the same. It’s exhausting being around her and she must feel even more exhausted by her way of thinking. I would hate to be her.

She will probably never change and just get worse with age like my mum (sorry to disappoint). All you can do is limit contact if you want to keep some sanity.

I don't know, but wanted to say I understand a little of your situation. It didn't work for me, though my sister is a nasty piece of work with it and I came to the realisation that whilst I was hoping she'd change, she was never going to. I haven't spoken to her for a year now, and am better for it.

Your sister probably won't change now, so as you say it's how you deal with it. I always hoped that my sister would develop some empathy, and be able to see things from someone else point of view. Isuppose that's what needs to happen? I don't know if there's a way to encourage that though.

It's tough though. So you have my sympathy. Xx

Hope someone comes along with actual advice soon.

Thanks, I think your advice is good - she is just not going to change and I have to just accept it

Difficult though. I could never understand why out of 4 kids, with the same upbringing etc she turned out like she did. :/

Hope you find a way to deal with it, families are such a blessing and such a curse. Food luck.

Hi, my Mum is just like this. I sometimes think she is a ball of sheer vitriol and bitterness. I genuinely have to think very very hard to think of a positive or pleasant thing that has ever come out of her mouth and even when, on the face of it, something does seem positive, when you step back, it's a disguised back handed put down to someone she is with (hard to explain but think playing off people against one another). It IS exhausting and she has only worsened over the years.
It took me a LONG time to really work out how to even begin to stop it dragging me down. I had a lovely counsellor who just got it, she really got the situation and helped me work with what I could do about it. Getting myself to a point where I could allow myself to accept that I couldn't change her, I could only change my reaction and my level of engagement. I'm not going to pretend it was an overnight change it was slow and little by little.
I've been low to extremely low contact now for nearly 8 years and to say my mental health has improved is an understatement. I've also found that on the occasions I do see her and she's "on one" I deal with it much better and with less impact on my self esteem and worth. I find it doesn't linger with me for days on end like it used to. At this stage, after all these years of failing to get any rise from me, the incidences are less frequent, but I will not allow myself to be reeled back in because I know it will escalate.

Of course I'm not suggesting that your sister would be the same because I was fully aware my Mum could have just ramped up her batshittery instead but my counsellor had said that if this was the case to think of it as just reinforcing why you want to keep her at a distance and no contact at all is always on the table. I just wanted to say, I know how it feels.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Sorry that was so long!

My mil has this personality type. Getting MUCH worse with age unfortunately.

I have this theory that you need to be happy in yourself and love yourself and if you can't do that, you can't very much kind and generous to others.

Why didn't she go to your wedding?

That would be a huge issue for me. I suspect the effect it had was to take away a little of the 'shine' from your day. If it did, I'd be very wary of what she might say/do during your pregnancy and once you DC has arrived.

Start reducing contact now. It doesn't have to be dramatic or obvious but it may help you to feel more in control of things.

Congratulations! Why is it not okay to tell people who special this baby is? Other people will be thrilled share some of the excitement of that with you.
I think you either except her ways and shrug it off or go low contact. As others have said you won’t be able to change her mind set.

Cut her out of your life to the biggest extent you can. She will never change and people like her are emotional cancer. They infect and destroy everyone around them with their negativity and toxicity. I know from experience how having people like this in your life is completely exhausting.

If she is not going to change, you need to change the way you react to her.
You know that this is her fundamental personality type. Do not share your feelings with her. Do not look to her for endorsement. In this situation, just tell others what you want to about your lovely news. Any normal sister would be thrilled to bits with your pregnancy.

Do you tell her she’s out of line? That comment about boasting is awful. How does she react when she is told “that’s a really mean thing to say”?

The idea of a close loving family cannot be willed into reality. Would you want to be close to anyone who said ivf was boasting? Probably not so why does she get a free pass because you share DNA? Being related doesn’t mean you need to put up with her being a cow.

Yes she probably is not happy, she’s projecting her own self hatred out at others. But why should you have to take it? Why are her feelings more important than yours?

Congratulations, I think ivf babies should be celebrated.

This is a personality disorder that science hasn't yet determined the cause or importantly how to fix the issue. As result people like this don't change.

It is extremely draining and if you are a sensitive empathic type it can have detrimental impact on your health as adrenalin.

All you can do is reduce contact and learn to observe the behaviour (don't take it in) and ensure you don't absorb it.

From my experience genetics seem to play a greater part and then childhood factors cause the degree of the victimhood/disorder. If you wanted to understand more DrvElinor Greenberg is an expert on vulnerable npd.

Funny idea about the boasting; I wonder where that comes from? Was she told off for boasting, or does she see you as the golden child and wants to pop your balloon? I'd be curious to psychoanalyse her :)

In my experience it's not worth confronting them as it just fuels the flames. I agree with the pp who said that when it's not so often, and you have more time to calm down and step back in between, then it's less stressful all round.

My mother is also the same. I spoke to her on the phone a few days ago and asked if everything was ok - her immediate reaction was this downtrodden "well yes, I suppose I'm ok (big sigh)".........

but when her brain clicked in, she started telling me about some nice things she had done over the past week and things she had planned over the next few days. It's so frustrating that her default reaction is negative. I think she actually quite enjoys playing the victim and woe is me card.

It's so hard but I try not to let it affect me too much. I only put up with it because she is my mum and so I am way more tolerant than I would be for anyone else.

My advice would be to have minimal contact with your sister, if at all. Don't bother staying in contact with her and if she contacts you, just keep it as brief and businesslike as you can. Don't over share, don't expect support and/or sympathy

Do you tell her she’s out of line? That comment about boasting is awful. How does she react when she is told “that’s a really mean thing to say”?

I think we've all got in a bit of a habit of not telling her these things, so as not to upset here. There is a real asymmetry in that she gets to be mean and negative to others, whereas we strive not to upset her.

Go NC, it's fucking draining, my sister was like it. An emotional sponge which keeps soaking up the joy of anyone around her whilst bemoaning her lot.

I think you need to distance yourself and avoid her as much as possible. Go "grey rock" if you can't go no contact.

People like this are often weirdly jealous and competitive... they compare themselves with everyone else and seem to believe that other people are always trying to outdo them or put them down in some way. As if they are the centre of the universe and everything other people do is aimed at them! It's very self-absorbed. Everything is a competition to them. As her sister, you are a natural target for her competitiveness and sibling rivalry, so try to avoid getting sucked in.

Fascinating thread. OP, is your sister still behaving like this? I’ve just spent time with my victim sister and it’s been quite disturbing.