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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Have you been to relate and did it help you stay together?

16 replies

shooshoo · 08/10/2007 20:43

DH and I have rwo kids. We have been on shaky ground for a few years. I think we have both had enough. I have mentioned relate in the past and he was not interested. But, this weekend he asked if I still wanted to go. I guess that's a good sign. If you have been to relate can you tell me what it was like? Did it help to save your marriage? Or did you break up anyway.

The DCs would be very sad if split up. And I think we would be both be sad, too, but I can't go on the way things are now. I assume DH probably feels the same way.

OP posts:

ninja · 08/10/2007 20:48

We went and had the dubious priviledge of pretty much being sacked from Relate! (they didn't see much hope). But..... we ARE still together.

Having a set time in the week where you can talk about the good bits and how to improve the bad bits I think can help. For us the best thing was that we got to go for a quick drink afterwards (don't normally get the chance to go out together)

It's got to be worth a try, I think it's hard to talk about these things in a reasoned way at a non-pressured time (i.e. NOT at midnight when the housework is finally finished)

GOOD LUCK!

Hassled · 08/10/2007 20:48

Yes I have been but no, it didn't help ex-Dh and I to stay together.
BUT a)it did help us to split up reasonably amicably - it enabled us to talk about stuff in a way that we hadn't been able to do for years and we've shared parenting and become very good friends, and b)in hindsight, we were well past the point of no return by the time we went to Relate - if we had gone earlier things may have been different. I certainly had already made up my mind by then that I wanted out - you sound a lot less sure. So I would certainly recommend it and my advice is to be as honest as you can at the sessions - it's pointless holding anything back.

charliecat · 08/10/2007 20:52

No - But I wish we had of, both quite sad at the split but we couldnt stay together. Left it too late though.
Do go...at least you could split knowing you had tryed.
Good Luck.

Original poster

shooshoo · 08/10/2007 21:02

Ninja, did you learn something while you were there and just implement it yourselves?

OP posts:

lemonstartree · 08/10/2007 23:25

went to marriage counselling , but are seperated. That is bacuse H has a drug problem, I think the counselling was very helpful. Its not cheap, but much cheaper than divorce. give it a go - you havn't got much to lose and a lot to potentially gain

pneumalifenewname · 08/10/2007 23:27

I went and divorced anyway. It was helpful but it didn't change the inevitable.It can help you to deal with possible impending break up though. I'm going now in order to deal with current defunct relationship.

Tortington · 08/10/2007 23:31

relate made the twatty stuff dh did and normalised in his own head - sound real and stupid and tawdry and twatty - simply by virtue of there being another person in the room.

its like saying stuff with a stranger present makes it real. can you imagine telling someone in a supermarket about your difficulties? would you look like a cunt? would he look like a tosser - are you both to blame really?

its kind of like that. imagine telling someone at the checkout.

Original poster

shooshoo · 09/10/2007 08:16

Thank you for the responses so far. Anyone else?

OP posts:

Layla17 · 09/10/2007 11:25

Just starting counselling. Partner thinks it is over but we have a 1 year old and a 2 year old and I want to save things - will let you know!

HappyWoman · 09/10/2007 13:27

Yes i think it can help but it really does need you both to want to. I think it helps you sort out what you want and is a good idea to not rush into anything. Even if it doesnt work at least you can say you did everything possible.

It is a good idea to have a set time and also good to go out after - we did that too.

I think it is such a shame that there seems to be a lack of consellors (ours is sick at the moment and we cannot find another one who can fit us in for months. - but if we wanted to divorce we could find a solicitor today!!!!!)

Anyway go for it and give it your all and good luck.

starrynight · 10/10/2007 12:00

Hi Shooshoo

My husband and I have been going to relate for about 6weeks now and it is really good, I think it is down to the counsellor but ours is brilliant.

It has been exhausting, upsetting and traumatic but we had to do it. We have discussed various blocks, had homework tasks set to ensure we change various behaviours, and it has really helped talking with a calm and unbiased person in the room who can put a different light on things.

I would recommend definately, and say that for us it is at the moment changing our relationship completely and we are realising quite monumental things about each other and 'us'. It is not easy, but we both wish we did this years ago.

HTH
Starry
x

claricebeansmum · 10/10/2007 12:07

Yes.

DH & I went through a really rocky patch about 6 years ago and we went to marriage guidance.

Yes - it did work. Just like Custy said - verbalising crap behaviour and telling someone else really brought home to DH why I thought I would be better off without him.

Go - and good luck.

TheQueenOfQuotes · 10/10/2007 12:09

Yes DH and I went for just the first session at the start of this year.

And yes - it helped us stay together - even just that one session - as it forced us to put all our "ishooos" on the table (so to speak) and forced us to talk about them.

We're now closer than we've ever been (and certainly closer than since we had DS1!)

WonkyAngel · 10/10/2007 12:33

Hi, I'm new...but I wanted to say that we went to relate last year. It is one of the best decisions we could've made. I blamed dh (rightly, I might add) about so many things, but blame will never sort anything out.

About half way through (4 sessions in, I think), I started to feel lighter and didn't feel so bogged down by all the resentment. We could then start rebuilding what was there in the first place, but we seemed to have forgotten about.

We now communicate better than ever before and hardly ever fight.

I have to say that we were very good at leaving things in that room. We never argued about what was said in there afterwards, no matter how much it hurt at the time. That enabled us to be very very honest and get everything out.

Good luck!

Original poster

shooshoo · 11/10/2007 13:40

Thanks everyone for sharing. I think we are a step closer to an actual appointment. Although we're still working on arguing and not talking.

Has anyone ordered any of the relate books? If so, were they helpful?

OP posts:

jenk1 · 11/10/2007 15:43

we have an appointment next weds.
its the last straw for me now in our relationship and i think DH has realised that and thats why he has booked the session.

will let you know how we get on.

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