Early relationship red flag?

[Whosewho]

I've been with someone for a few months. He is very kind and loving etc. We have a lot in common. I suffer from quite bad anxiety especially early on in relationships. I have tried to go with the flow and not put too much pressure on things but recently I have wondered about how compatible we are. On some things we seem quite different - tastes, preferences etc and he has made lots of recent comments when I'm talking like why do I like this and that, why do I want to go to x because he couldn't think of anywhere worse, why am I reading that trashy book etc. He says these things in jokey tone but afterwards when I think about them they do seem quite rude and I tend to linger on the comments he's made. Is this the anxiety or red flags saying we are not compatible? He says loads of positive things too and we do spend a lot of nice time together but these recent comments have started to worry me/wonder if we should even be together. Anyone else experienced this?

It doesn't sound like you aren't 'compatible' but the things you describe him saying actually come across as quite rude. There is nothing wrong with having different interests (as long as you have some in common, enough that you can enjoy doing things together), but his comments sound quite judgemental. Dh certainly enjoys doing things that frankly I would not want to do and he reads things that I have no interest in reading. But I would never describe what he reads as 'trashy' or admonish him for wanting to do whatever awful boring thing he wants to do. We don't have to do the same things or enjoy the same things. But putting someone down because of it is really unkind. I probably would chuck this one back out to sea.

I think his communication style will only make your anxiety worse. It will also damage your self esteem. He doesn't sound right for you.

Doesn't sound very kind at all, just critical. Do you laugh along with him? Stop doing it; start out mildly by just saying "Ouch!" or "You don't think much of my taste, huh?" and see if he apologises.

He's trying to be the big I am. He will destroy your confidence in your own tastes in time.

I have never seen a post like this on Mumsnet where the answer is not clearly ‘yes red flag avoid.’ This is no exception! I would follow your intuition here - it is serving you well.

@ravenmum

Doesn't sound very kind at all, just critical. Do you laugh along with him? Stop doing it; start out mildly by just saying "Ouch!" or "You don't think much of my taste, huh?" and see if he apologises.

This sounds like good advice and is the approach I would adopt. A lighthearted and gentle response the next time he does this. Then you can see how he responds or if he stops.

Then if he does it again, you can respond a little more firmly. "When you say that, it seems like you are mocking me/saying that you have superior tastes and I don't appreciate it.

He may well get a wake up call and stop doing it which would be great. You will have asserted yourself and laid down your boundaries. He may just carry on in which case, trust your instincts.

Red flags.

Try responding as pps have advised, see what his reaction is.

Also, watch out for how he reacts if you say no to things or make alternative suggestions. If you're in the habit of going along with his ideas or tend to fit it with what he puts forward, just try seeing what he does if you're less flexible.

I think if it's about several things, he doesn't have respect for your interests and by extention, to an extent doesn't have respect for you. Plus in a way it's putting you down.

If it annoys you I would bin and block.

Hmm I don't like the sound of this. Sounds like he's putting you down. If you are not particularly assertive by nature this will affect your confidence or cause resentment to build up over time. It's all about his tone and attitude. It's possible to express your own preferences without making someone else feel bad about theirs. And it doesn't cost much to at least try to show a bit of respect for other some else's interests.

You could try pointing it out to him and see what he says?

Dont ignore your gut.. ask him why he does it and tell him you dont like it. If he does anything other than apologise and promise to fix up then it's a red flag that needs action. If he apologises give him the chance to change and if he fails, get rid.
If you cant be bothered to do that then just get rid and move on. Be empowered. Xx

Agree with pp's - discuss it first and if it doesn't improve then move on. I joke with my DP about his hobby and related programs and he does mine. It's healthy though, we can't all like the same things but at no point do we patronise or put each other down.

On some things we seem quite different - tastes, preferences etc and he has made lots of recent comments when I'm talking like why do I like this and that, why do I want to go to x because he couldn't think of anywhere worse, why am I reading that trashy book etc

I couldn't be doing with that. He doesn't have to like the same books as you but at the same time he shouldn't insult you by calling the book trashy. He sounds like a snob.
Also, if he doesn't want to go somewhere that's one thing but saying he "couldn't think of anywhere worse" is rude.

I'd probably pull him up on it in the way several others have suggested and see what his reaction is.

I agree. Tell him it makes you feel bad when he does this and see if he makes an effort to stop.

If he genuinely thinks his opinion is superior to yours then get rid.

Yes, red flag imo. Perhaps the first signs of a controlling person.

If you're just in the honeymoon phase of your relationship and he's doing this now imagine how much worse it will get when you're more familiar. I would say that anxiety or no, your instincts are correct.

If it was just a single odd comment I wouldn't worry about it but trust your instincts and sounds like it's more frequent than that, which is concerning considering this the honeymoon stage and this is him presumably on his best behaviour!

At the end of the day, doesn't actually matter if it's abusive or not, you can just be incompatible. Dont stay with any guy who makes you uncomfortable. Plenty of easy going guys out there who wont be making jibes at your choices.

It could be a red flag, or it could not be. Point is, if it's getting on your nerves at this stage it's going to lead to the dreaded 'ick'. So he's not for you. TBF it would irratate me too. It's like some people feel the need to challenge things for challenging sake. Does this guy like to have constant debates which later down the line turn into arguments and conflicts? .. It'll only get worse. Depends on what annoys you

Dated and unfortunately got pregnant by a guy like this. It only got worse. Definitely a red flag because at the least he’s rude at the most he’s a narcissist.

why do I want to go to x because he couldn't think of anywhere worse
What did you say? Did you to your choice of place anyway?

Yeah sounds like a red flag to me, he’s putting you down unnecessarily. There’s no no need for him to criticise the things you like.
In my experience, people like this get worse over time. He feels comfortable doing this because he thinks he is superior to you.
NEXT!