Am I being unfair

[okiedokie22]

Hi everyone , this might be a long one but bare with me 😬. Right so my partner of ten years used to work away constantly. This was going back about up until 3 years ago . I was so lonely as it was all the time . We fell out quite a bit because he was going with a group of men who would work then just go out getting drunk every single night not getting back to the hotel until gone 12 every night . He would never Anwser the phone to me . My Nan died who I was so close too . I phoned him and he wouldn't answer said his room mate was sleeping . But he was actaully our drinking . He changes when he works away . He turns in to the people he's away. He used to come home and say I wish I was still away ect ect probably because he was having a good time up there and then just coming home to normal life . Last time he went away he promised me that would be the last as he knew I didn't want it no
More and strangely he said neither did he . Then last night I get home from work and he says oh by the way I'm working away in the morning . So I said I thought you weren't going to go no more and he just shrugged .
I did get rather annoyed and said you don't even have to go it's his choice . He's self employed and literally if he doesn't do it there are plenty who will . So I said your going be sure you want too ? And he said yes . I felt pretty hurt lastnight . I know he will start doing this all the time again now . Am I being selfish for being like this ? He left early hours with out saying a word to me .

It would be interesting to hear if there is anything nice, kind or loving about this horrible-sounding man. Is there?

Not sure why you are still with him. Although you are hardly with him at all.

Thankyou so much for your comment .i am having serious second thoughts about everything right now . I don't even miss him . Mind you he has only been gone a few hours ha ha but usually I would be . He's not text at all today which he will do every morning with out fail when he's working home . This is what I mean by he changes . Iv just gone to the beach for a walk and to clear my mind . X

Hi @okiedokie22; I 1000% know where you are coming from. My OH was doing a similar thing, although rarely stayed out overnight but was coming home a 1/2/3 o'clock in the morning and then going back out at 6. My OH seems to have a complete personality transplant and I couldn't get him to even try to understand my point of view that he was being unfair, even blamed me a number of times. Turns out he was cheating. Now I am not suggesting for a second this is the reason for your OHs 'personality' change but it is possible. I never for one second though that was the reason for my OH anger and staying out drinking, but when I found out it all made perfect sense (which is sad IMO).

Hope your doing OK otherwise. A lot of people will tell you to leave 'this selfish person' but it isn't that easy when you've built a life together. I'd think long and hard about whether there is something less obvious going on and whether once you get to the root of that, things might get better.

I'd not only be worried about the effect on your relationship but... that much drinking will lead him to an early grave.

Are you sure he wasn't with another woman and not a mate?

He doesn't sound very nice

Hi everyone sorry for the late reply work has been manic . Well it's day 2 now and i have not had a single text off him . He's definitely not cheating and I could say hand on my heart that he never has . He's never paranoid with his phone and will leave it everywhere . I think the problem with him was he wasn't really one of the boys growing up and didn't have any friends . I have 4 close friends from when I was in nursery and obviously a load if not close friends . He has 0. He got bullied in school and just went home on his games . Never went out nothing also he was the same when I met him no friends , just used to hang around with his mother and her friends 😳. The only
People to text him are the men from work and you could swear it's Xmas ducking day when he reads a text from one of them . It literally
Makes me feel sick how happy over the top he gets . He could be sitting in silence playing his game for hours . Has a text and he's there big smile on his face laughing to himself self and this text could just be about plans for the next day . Also he's so fake . I don't dither at all replying to my friends but he will type out a reply and delete it a few times it adds stuff on to make sure he seems funny ! I am seriously reconsidering being with him after doing this to me this time . He's not a nice Person at all . He also has bi polar and it's so hard living with him . The only issue is I have way too much to lose if we separated. But then I suppose it's better to have nothing and be happy then have it all and not to be . Sometimes I wish he did cheat or do something really bad so I would have an excuse to leave him for good x

What is it that you think you would lose if you did separate?

Personally I would imagine you would be dancing in the streets

You sound very understanding and empathic in your response to irresponsible and adolescent behaviour. I think the clue may lie in what you say about his childhood and teens; he hasn’t had much carefree time, has he? And that ‘part’ of him comes out for a riot when he’s away. The issue is whether he’d be open to working on his problems with you and with a good therapist. It’s not sustainable to be acting out in the way he’s doing and it must feel as if you are the parent of a wayward teenager half the time.

I dated a guy like this before he wasn’t cheating either, He just prioritized his friends and his single outings over me. he just didn’t like me like that.

The only issue is I have way too much to lose if we separated.

You mean financially? In what way, as I you're not married, no kids?

Sometimes I wish he did cheat or do something really bad so I would have an excuse to leave him for good

You don't need an excuse to leave a relationship.

Hi everyone I did write out a message essay and my battery died and deleted the whole thing when I came back on here last night . I have an update . So I went out last night . Literally had one alcoholic drink in a pub 5 mins from my house . I took a photo and put it as my profile photo . I then was having a browse my I seen my partners name come up as suggested friend? He had deleted me last night and took me out of his profile photo and just zoomed in on him . I phoned him and said what has been happening and why has he unfriended me . He was pretty angry on the phone saying I told him not to contact me at all and also why am I going out when he's working away . Said that I was playing mind games changing my profile picture and that our relationship was coming to an end and that was that . I was like what the hell . I didn't say not to contact me just said don't bother face timing me this time because he never does it . So I said to him are you 100 percent done and he said well you are ain't you . I said I can't do this now and put the phone down . Within seconds he's replying saying that's I'm blocked on everything , sorry it's ended this way and he will give me half of the money 😳. I didn't reply and he then texts half an hour later that he misses me and he's been so anxious with this no contact! I don't know what's going on ! I reply and he then says enjoy your night I'm going to bed !!!! Iv not heard off him this morning . I'm going out for a long walk soon . My head is all over the place . As in too much too lose I mean we have saved up for so long and have bought an amazing house . If we split I would lose all that have to go back rented and I know I would never be a home owner again because I alone would never be able to save up enough for a deposit. I have a really good life financially with him I don't have to worry about anything . It's not even that that's keeping me with him really tho because I do love him or because of all the years of abusive I have had off him has he just made me feel that way ? I just really want to be happy that's all I want

It sounds like such hard work in this relationship. I would say that if you both want the relationship to work, then consider relationship counselling.

If he has to go away for work, or if he chooses to go away, that shouldn't be a big issue. You need a social circle that doesn't revolve around him.

You don't have to be stuck indoors when he goes away, so I would be less than impressed with his comment about you going out while he's working.

How old are you both?

Thankyou for your reply 😊 we are both early 30s . He is pretty controlling and it winds me right up that he can go out when he's away but god help if I do . I don't know why he's like it even if I do go out when he's home I have to be back by a certain time x

Do you work OP? It does sound hard to consider a big change in financial circumstances but there are things money can’t buy. Like respect, love, honesty, being valued for who you are - none of which it seems you get from your partner.

Too much hard work, all these kind games. What does he bring to your life as I can’t see why you’re together. Are you just afraid of being single?

Mind games, not kind games!

You really need to end this. You've said yourself he's controlling.

And he's throwing a fit because you had the audacity to go out instead of sitting at home alone just waiting for him to come back. You're property, not a person. Which is why he's being all dramatic and ending it - he doesn't expect you to do anything but crawl and beg for him to "forgive" you.

Please take him at his word and end this charade of a relationship.

How would you lose the house if you split up? Surely he Would buy you out or your would sell it?

What's the point of being a homeowner if the home you own is one where you're miserable and bullied and trapped in? And if you did split up surely he would have to buy you out or sell up?

You get one life, one shot. On your deathbed, you're not going to say "it was worth giving up my happiness for bricks and mortar".

Also, you don't know how your life will turn out if you go it alone. Your situation could improve in untold ways.