Should I be striving for more?

[eenymeenyminyme]

My fella and I have a very low key relationship. We've been together over 4 years but have no plans to move in or make it permanent. We're both aged around 50, I live with my teenage daughter and he lives alone.

We see each other a few times a week, we always hug and kiss hello and goodbye and snuggle on the sofa. On the rare occasions that my daughter is at someone else's house on a Saturday we'll stay over and it's lovely.

It's ticking all my boxes at the moment. I have a companion, a lover and a friend who doesn't expect anything more from me. I was cheated on by my ExH and at the moment I don't feel that I want to live with a man, I'm far too happy living by my own rules and don't want to give anyone the chance to break my heart again. I do love my fella but am independent enough that if we split up I'd be upset but not devastated and most of my life would carry on as it does now.

I guess I just want someone to say it's OK not to want more... what do you think hive mind?

I think it sound perfect. As long as you are both happy, no issue.

If you’re both happy with the arrangement you have then of course it’s fine not to want more. We’re sold the idea that a relationship must follow an “escalator” pattern to be serious: meet, date, see increasingly more of each other, move in together, get married etc but the reality is that for many people - and particularly people who already have children from a previous relationship or who have lived alone for a long time and gotten used to doing things their way - that’s not ideal.

I never planned to move in with anyone again after my last LTR. As it happens DP of several years and I are just moving in together now, as much to do with circumstances as anything else, and I’ll be honest, I’m still not entirely sure it’s going to work out for either of us and we’ve agreed to both be open with each other if we feel it isn’t. I’m really glad we have that knowledge of being able to decide we don’t want to live together at some point without it meaning the relationship has to end.

I do the same thing; nice, isn't it?

As long as you are really doing it out of conviction, and not mainly because you are too scared to get closer?
I could imagine living with my bf but actively prefer living apart.

Ah, thanks!

I don't know why I need anyone else to say it's OK but I'm glad you did... think I've been watching too much romantic stuff on TV and forgetting that real life is not all weddings and babies and if it works for me then it's fine to carry on!

I would never live with a man again.

As long as you're happy, of course you shouldn't be striving for something you don't want.

My dad died when I was 1, my mum has been with her boyfriend for about 27 years and they've never lived together, they religiously spend the same nights and days a week together and go on holiday once a year. Seems to work for them, although I think theyre more like companions than anything wildly romantic. If you're both happy with it then it sounds ideal, best of both worlds.

islandislandisland
That's exactly what we're like too!

Perfect. Chill out and enjoy.

@eenymeenyminyme

Ah, thanks!

I don't know why I need anyone else to say it's OK but I'm glad you did... think I've been watching too much romantic stuff on TV and forgetting that real life is not all weddings and babies and if it works for me then it's fine to carry on!

I think this is the key part - I have a similar set up (except my partner has the childcare responsibilities) and sometimes I am very happy in my own place living my life independently, and other times I wonder if I want more from him (not hi-jacking your thread).

What definitely DOES NOT help are romcoms, women's magazines, or the general societal conviction that we should "get more serious".

If it is working for you and you are happy with the set up day-to-day, just enjoy it. Comparison is the enemy of happiness.

I'm fine with romcoms, novels etc. but after a couple of years I did start to wonder if I "should" want something else. There's so much talk of "fuck buddies" or "FWB" and I wondered if that was what I had. Giving someone your keys and moving in together are the usual signs of commitment - so how do you know if your dp is committed at all, otherwise?
But I think I just needed to work it out in my own head, that I lived with and was married to my exh but he still wasn't committed :) and that if you are with someone who is nice, kind and thoughtful to you, then that's valuable too.
And work out what my answer is to "But why aren't you living together?"

If you’re both happy, that’s all that matters.

And work out what my answer is to "But why aren't you living together?"

I guess the response would be something along the lines of 'if it ain't broke, why fix it?'

I'll keep checking in on myself to make sure that I am still happy with the way things are as I wonder whether my feelings will change as I get older, and especially when my daughter moves out, but for now I am definitely happy with the way things are.

Thanks

@eenymeenyminyme I'm in exactly the same boat with my OH and it works for us too! Neither of us are interested in marrying again, both of us fiercely financially independent (although he earns over twice my salary and doesn't have young adult children he's supporting), both love our own space but enjoy spending 2 or 3 evenings and the weekends together and neither of us wants to live together! We just about cope for a weeks holiday but then retreat to our own bunkers for a few nights of solitude .

Just say “ it works for us “ with a smile.

Society is always dictating to us that if we don’t spend X amount of days together it can’t be committed relationship. If it doesn’t progress from X amount of days together to moving in together it’s not a committed or happy relationship. I think that’s all a lie. What you have is perfect as long as you are both happy. I’d take that any day over living with someone every day and being unhappy