Anyone separated by co-parenting in the same house?

[AngryFeminist]

DH and I have sadly decided to separate. As amicable splits go, it is very fortunately quite up there. Essentially we've been trying to work it out for some months, with therapy, and in the end the therapy helped us to see we could be great friends and co-parents, but not romantic partners.

We are now discussing what happens next. We have one DC, age 4, and want to centre him and his needs while remaining aware that at some point we will probably want to pursue new relationships and we will need space to do that.

One option on the table is to continue living together and co-parenting so that DC has a stable home, but living out own lives otherwise. Key to this would be being age-appropriately honest with DC about what our relationship is and how it differs from some others. A wee Google has shown that people do this and make it work but I'm interested to hear from anyone already doing this, or who tried it, and what your experiences were what your advice would be.

Thanks in advance!

Not me, but I know a couple who dated for years then broke up and remained best friends for a couple of years. They then decided that they would love to co-parent and adopted a baby together. They have lived happily together for 20 years. They had their own space within the house to retreat to, but spent most of the time together as a family.
As someone who grew up with parents who were still shagging (loudly) and also clearly hated each other on many levels, the co-parenting as respectful best friends sounds like the perfect scenario!
I would think continuing counselling for a while would be a good idea in order to manage the changes and feelings.

My DH and his ex started out by "nesting" i.e. they rented a flat where one parent would move out for a few days whilst the other looked after the DCs, and vice versa. All very amicable...at first. The minute new partners arrived on the scene it started to go wrong. Not because of the new partners per se, but naturally an emotional distance started building as they became increasingly attached to the new DP in their life. Up to that point they hadn't realised how much emotional and practical support they still gave each other despite it not being overtly obvious.

As the dynamic shifted they also become much less tolerant towards each other's annoying habits as they lost that emotional bond between them, which caused friction and resentment. It's also much harder to tolerate differences in parenting styles because as a separated couple you'll have no right to insist on your preferences when it comes to the DC, except it won't be something you can box off as "my house my rules/dad's house dad's rules" because you'll both be living with it.

I don't have DC but I went through similar with my ex husband when he found a new girlfriend - the dynamic between us totally changed as soon as he had someone else to prioritise.

There's a reason why it's not the norm to voluntarily continue sharing a house after you've separated.

I am in a similar situation, although we have yet to agree finally to give up. The idea is that I live here with the kids and ex stays here 1 night a week and then is here minimum of 1 day at the weekend - this weekend it’s both days so we can take the kids to their respective clubs. Otherwise he has a flat. I feel it’s a better deal for him, but in the longer term I will have a much better relationship with the children and if I meet someone new then we can decide. They are so small now that this arrangement (while hard) is probably the best I can hope for, and avoids the kids shuttling an hour back and forth. It’s annoying though as he’s out tonight I am sure doing what he wants whereas I am looking after the kids. Going to see how things go until Christmas - sure he’s suffering from depression and by partly moving out and behaving poorly his parents, brother, sister are no longer speaking to him at all

I would suggest give it a break, then spend time time doing sports, music etc together to see if the spark comes back in some way. Otherwise I can’t see this as a long term solution for anyone

Dynamics between co-parents can dramatically change even if you get on really well right now.

Clicked submit too soon...but what that means is you can try to do everything correctly and it might still go wrong in the end, so it may be in your childs best interests to do things the usual way and live apart.

Thanks for your thoughts everyone.

@Flamingnora123 that gives me some hope thanks!

@MyCatHatesEverybody this is my fear. I'm wondering whether in the long term we will need to look at living separately but that for now, while we are able to get along well and are not actively looking for anyone else, this could be a good, subject-to-review option.

@Bluemoon101 sorry to hear you're in the same situation. In our case there's no chance of grtting a spark back sadly. We've not had sex for years and are basically just making official what had already happened, I.e. us being mates not lovers.

@user1481840227 I'm also trying to bear this in mind. We're very lucky that things are so amicable but who knows how - and how suddenly - that could change...

I think carrying on with therapy is a good idea as an outside perspective will help us both.

Myself and my dh split 2.5 years ago and he only moved out recently. like others we had counselling before the split and realised we were better as friends and co-parents. to reduce the shock on everyone and to build finances we decided to live together for a year or two with our 2 teen daughters. It worked ok, ups and downs at times same as any house share arrangement but we had time away every 2nd weekend to do our own thing and met new people. That was tricky but we navigated it by deciding that the family home was the kids space and relationships were built elsewhere. he is a better parent now than he ever was before the split and we have a huge ammount of respect for each other having navigated all this. It took a lot of trust, care and owning our own shit. I think the kids appreciate the work we put in to keeping it dignified. Good luck with your decision

@heartlikepaper hi - did you have new relationships / always stay elsewhere when it was the others’ weekend with the kids? How did u realise you were better as friends?

I'm technically doing it now, as house sale is going so slow, and to be honest, it's awesome. I wish we could have had a proper grown up conversation years ago to say shall we just coparent, cohabit and live our own lives. I like it because I'm friends with him, he 'babysits' for all my dates, and there's just none of that constant mentally exhausting pressure of trying to make a marriage work that you don't realise you carry till it's lifted.

@heartlikepaper and @arethereanyleftatall thank you for sharing - it's really good to hear from people it's worked for. Can I ask, how did dating work from the perspective of potential new partners' reactions to your living situation?

I've been doing online dating and have discovered lots of people are in the same situation. And it's for good reasons - nicer for their children, finances don't allow it, divorce/house sale taking ages (mine has been over a year already). Interestingly, all the guys I would consider nice, have trusted me without question. The ones who don't trust you, I think, are the ones who do cheat so assume you are.
Mind, I haven't got serious with anyone yet, just having fun atm; I imagine that would be a whole different ball game. Good luck

@arethereanyleftatall that's encouraging - I really worry about dating. I don't want to be looking for anything just now but I know I will at some point. And much later down the line, if I want to get serious with someone I wonder how I'd manage it.

My best friend has done this for 10+ years
Their youngest DC is now 14
Both refused to move out and they live separate lives but piss each other off immensely
Neither have been able to move on or have new relationships ( there has been attempts on both sides and its caused more upset than it's worth)
I would say that they are all living in a miserable house
They should have split 10 years ago and found happiness separately
I ask my friend what's going to happen when youngest DC flies the nest...Is she going to continue to live this 'half life' forever? HTH

@Bluemoon101 yes we both, by coincidence, started seeing people outside our locality and would travel to see them on our 'weekends off'. It worked ok though was frustrating at times not being able to invite new partner to visit me. No trust issues from new love about the living arrangement, it is more common than you suppose i think, impatience and frustration at times though!
We decided we were better as friends as after the counselling and 'trying again' we could acknowledge we still loved and respected each other but couldn't meet the intimate relationship needs of each other. Hope this helps. :)

Really interesting to read people's experiences. I am in similar position. @AngryFeminist do you have any thoughts of how long you would nest/ cop parent in the same house together? I knew of a couple who agreed a 2 year time frame- for them this was until the children were more independent at secondary school.

• co-parent not cop parent!

I am sorry there are so many others in this slightly weird situation. Our children are little and my husband thinks as they grow up, and we get more time together to do all the stuff we did before they were born (we were never sat in, always outside exercising, eating out, socialising etc.) then things may work out if we agree to do some ‘sporty’ activity once a month or similar. I do think he’s stalling a bit though to sort himself out as he travelled a lot with work etc. and he’s really missing that, the office etc. and feels trapped here! That said he’s having a bit of a break in his flat, although looks sooo miserable!

Anyone aware of a situation where this type of co-habiting and co-parenting resulted in a successful relationship again?

Your DC can still have a stable, loving upbringing in two separate households. In some ways I think co-habitating/co-parenting can be even more damaging long term. He's going to grow up seeing no romantic love between his parents and its more than likely the arrangement will break down once other partners get involved. It just sounds messy to me

My parents did this until my sister left home and we are so grateful for them for doing it. One base, one family, made our lives so much easier. There was no pretending that they were together, they had separate bedrooms and led their own lives. Even now we all do Christmas etc together and I still see us as a family unit. I think I'd you can make it work it is a fantastic way to co parent

@arethereanyleftatall does your husband know you're going on dates? How long have you been separated and still having to live together for?

I don't think long-term it's viable if you want a serious relationship with someone else - most guys are going to want to live together, potentially have children etc. Wouldn't you want that too?

In the short term it could be good, but I'd have thought it will have a shelf-life.

I'm also considering this as a short-term arrangement whilst I become financially stable and whilst the DCs are very young.

To those who have done this, how do the wider family take this? Do they accept it? Do you still go for family meals with your inlaws or act single despite living together and not go to inlaw events?

Our families just would not get it and would cause us extra problems, I'm sure.