Did you benefit from counselling?

[wheresmybed]

I'm currently really struggling with my dysfunctional relationship with my parents.
DF a functioning alcoholic and DM an enabler with her own milder alcohol issues.

I can't bring myself to talk to them about it, DM tries to save face and minimise and tell half truths. DF will always say "I'm stopping from X day" or "this is my last one".
They try to push to have my DCs alone/ take them on days out, I do not allow it for reasons above and also as DP is NC with them for something they have done and does not trust them one bit. It has taken me an embarrassingly long time to accept my DF is an alcoholic in the first place so I trust my DPs judgement much more on this as I keep realising more how I didn't have the standard childhood like I thought I did.

I am pretty certain if I was honest about my reasoning they would make me feel very unreasonable and unfair and make me believe I'm being extremely OTT/ manipulated by DP, they have this weird way of being very convincing and making you believe what they say.

I have small DCs and really need to learn to reinforce my boundaries whereas at the moment I physically cannot force myself to stand up for myself at times. They're not crossing any massive lines but I really need to be able to learn to assert myself and be able to enforce my own boundaries in a way that doesn't make me panic or sour the situation for the future.

I feel like I have a lot to unpick as it has been affecting me a lot recently and I really need someone impartial to talk to who can maybe talk me through some of the feelings I'm having especially since I can easily go from "they're an absolute mess and would never trust them alone with my DCs" to "they actually make sense and I think I was massively overreacting and they are doing fine and it's all good".

I come from a family who don't really believe in that type of help.
Does it work? Can talking to a therapist / counsellor help?

I would really appreciate a bit of insight from people who have a bit of experience / knowledge on the subject.

Counselling/therapy does work. It can take a few tries to find the person who best suits you. One therapist can help with one thing and then you may need to move on to another to tackle a different issue at a later date.

I come from a family who don't really believe in that type of help.

Not getting professional help has really worked for them, hasn't it? Also, they could be threatened by the idea of you having counselling/therapy, in case it helps you fully realize what they're like and act on it.

It can help, but it's not some sort of magic wand that's guaranteed to fix all of your problems. Personally I've never found any of the talking therapies I've been prescribed to be of any use whatsoever, but I know far too many people who say it is invaluable to them to write it off entirely. You won't know if it's helpful to you until you try it out yourself, so why not look into it?

From the sounds of things your main issues are your own lack of confidence in asserting yourself, and dealing with the issues arising from your parents alcohol use, so why not do a bit of research into counselling specialising in those areas and give it a try?

It helped me a lot, I went for a similar issue as you, I have a poor relationship with my parents and the biggest benefit to me was having a space where I could talk through everything from my perspective.

Conversations with friends and families always have bias, that's natural in life but when you're trying to pick through a difficult relationship it can be overwhelming. Having that space absolutely free of manipulation and talking things through with someone who was totally on my side really helped me. If I could afford it I would be in counselling on a regular basis tbh.

I'm worried my experience will be like yours @XDownwiththissortofthingX
I want to come out at the other side with a conclusion and I just don't think it works like that.
It would also really help if I could get confirmation that I am not overreacting or being unreasonable with my way of thought..

I'm really struggling with the Unknown at the moment - my parents are barely in their 50s so will (hopefully) still be around for a while and I can't quite envision how our relationship will look in the next few years if it carries on the way it is. A part of me wants to just suppress it all and cut them off as it just seems like an easy way out but I know it's not fair on anyone. Also I'm scared I'll become desensitised again and normalise their behaviour potentially damaging my DCs as a result.

Not counselling but CBT as it works to reset your mind about things that have happened and gives you techniques on how to move forward encompassing your new perception .

Counselling can be fantastic but don't go expecting quick answers. You have a lot of issues and content to cover, no decent therapist would work through that with you quickly. So if you do it go into it with a long term time frame. One year plus. Plus you must feel comfortable and not judged by the therapist. I personally think therapy is the biggest gift any adult can give themselves. Sounds like you are ready for it but be patient, let the process unfold.

Yes, I see a therapist due to my mum’s dysfunctional boundaries and our generally problematic relationship (well, I’m NC now). She married a paedophile.

Yes, it’s been massively beneficial. I’m not sure I’d be alive now or functioning as a parent otherwise. I see a psychotherapist who I found through BACP. Highly recommended. It costs me £50 a session but it’s been money well spent for my mental health and my family’s wellbeing.

I liked my (nhs) therapist enormously but did not find her strong enough to cope with the things I wanted to talk about. Especially unhelpful was the fact she had been chosen for me because she had experienced the same sort of trauma to a lesser extend. ie she had experienced it for less time. So she wanted to share strategies that I just don't think work longterm. So in the end I told her I was better and she was very satisfied. I would like to try again with someone else!