Think I've just come to the realisation I'm being abused

[shas19]

Hes never hit me but he doesnt need to. The silent treatment, nasty words, shouting, breaking things, making me doubt my own sanity is enough. I love him so much though but why. I hate myself. He went to the pub last night after we had been arguing all day, called me a cunt, he cang stand me, gake my fucking annoying kids and fuck off (kids are his) when he came home he tried to initiate sex and i said no, hes now angry again. Everytime I say no, which is very rare he does this.

He is the cunt....I would do as he suggests, take your kids and go.

Give yourself an early Christmas gift that you'll benefit from for the rest of your life and get rid of him. To be treated with such obvious contempt and disrespect will wither you inside and its probably a very short step from this very obvious nastiness and crassness to actually treating you with physical contempt and assualting you. Get out and dont look back, this is life of end to end misery and so unnecessary, get free and start living - there is happiness and freedom out there!!

Do you watch Eastenders op? A character is killed by her abusive dh next week...
Get rid op. Before he gets rid of you.

I 2nd take your kids and go.
He is abusive and he wont change, he may try to hide it better but he'll still be an abusive twat.
You hate yourself as hes wearing you down and you know it but are too scared to leave.
Try to imagine yourself 6 months after leaving, how peaceful and calm your life will be.

It's not a healthy relationship and it's good you've come to the realisation he's abusive.

It's one thing to argue...but the nasty name calling, making you doubt yourself and his attitude towards the DC is concerning.

What's his relationship with the kids like? Is he involved in their lives?
Does he interact with them?

That's the thing I cant imagine life without him. I feel so pathetic. I have no where to go. I feel so stupid calling womens aid because there's people alot worse off than me

He does everything with the kids they love him. He said he feels depressed lately

I know this gets trotted out a lot, but honestly - do you want your kids growing up thinking is the model of male/female relationships to emulate? Summon the maternal fury you would feel if you saw one of them being treated like this by a stranger, and feel it on your own behalf. You are worth more than this. He’s supposed to love you ffs, he’s not acting like he even likes you.

Yes he is abusive. I would do as he asks and take your kids and fuck off. Do it for them if you can’t do it for yourself.

I'm even worried to go to the dentist today incase I'm not back before he gets home from work

Yeah, funny how they're always depressed?

What's the housing and financial situation? Married?

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Was your mother treated like this by your dad?.

Re the dentist appointment that is indicative as to how low and otherwise downtrodden he has got you.

How can you be helped into leaving this man who shows you and his children abuse and contempt?.

All this abusive man cares about is his own self. Such men hate women too, all of them. Your children do not love this man so much as fear him and they see your reactions both spoken and unspoken to this man.

The relationship is well and truly over because of his abuse towards you and in turn them. Your children and you need to be apart completely from this man and they cannot afford to grow up thinking that yes, this is how men treat women.

Many abusers use depression as an excuse to abuse others. Its always someone else's fault; never theirs.

My ex was like this. Its important to emotionally detach yourself. I felt diminished, as if the essence of me had shrunk away, incapable of making my own decisions in case I chose wrong and upset him. You don't love him, you can't after the way he treats you. It's like your drowning and he's a life jacket and so you cling and give him all the control.The reality is without him you'll be on dry land.

Apologies for all the metaphors

There are scales for emotional abuse - he is right at the extreme end a microsecond away from this turning physical.

The NSPCC state that a home with such extreme emotional abuse being inflicted on the DM determines that the DCs are victims of child abuse.

They sense, see, hear and absorb both the incidents and the toxic emotional tension 24/7. It is not possible for you to be the mother they need if your are preoccupied, distracted and distressed with fear.

Is he their DF? He needs to leave. Do you have a family or friend that you can tell in RL?

“ It's like your drowning and he's a life jacket and so you cling and give him all the control.The reality is without him you'll be on dry land.”

So true, he’s creating all the damage here. I’ve seen many threads before like this where the children supposedly “love” the abusive dad but once safely away from him they don’t want to see him, they are scared of him in fact.

'He says he's depressed' basically 'I'm.going to be a real nasty piece of work in future and if you call me up on it, I'll say you arent being supportive of my mental health and that'll make you seem the bad guy'.

So common for abusers to claim depression.
Mind you, if I was a soulless bastard, maybe I'd be depressed too.

You can get out op. Emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse to a person. Dont let your children grow up thinking this is normal. Would you want them to end up in similar relationships? Of course not. So show them it is not to be tolerated.

Reach out for help. If you gave family and friends you can trust (that wont downplay things) then tell them what is going on. And speak to womans aid. That is what they are there for.

If you had somewhere to go, this decision would be nowhere near as difficult.

Who can help/support you now? Have a think. Have you a friend you can confide in that can help you make a plan?

You love him because you are afraid of going it alone and feel you need him. The long term effects of staying with him will be devastating. Keep telling yourself that.

My ex would always want to have a conversation with me before his behaviour spiralled obviously I'd be in the wrong but because he'd tried he could excuse himself for what would follow. A variation on I'm depressed. I do hope you come back op and get some help. Posting on mumsnet helped me think things through when I was too ashamed to talk to anyone in real life.

Calling Women's Aid is not a competition to be the most severely abused woman in the country.

The person you speak to will be concerned about you and your life, because that's what's relevant to helping you. What is happening to you is not ok, regardless of what is or is not happening to anybody else.

Do you think he reciprocates your love because I can guarantee he doesn't!

Leave as soon as you can has abusive and trust me you will be much better off not walking on eggshells.

Thank you for all your messages, I've read them all whilst sobbing like a baby. I didnt even see this happening, if it was someone else I'd be telling them go. Just like a previous poster mentioned about eastenders, I was watching it last night and felt really uncomfortable. Trying to pluck the courage up to call womens aid whilst hes at work

Don't think of yourself as not deserving of help from the likes of women's aid. The situation you are living in is not normal even though it has become your normal. You should not be living in a state of anxiety and everyone deserves that their partner treats them with respect. You can always get a sense check on these boards as to what is reasonable in a relationship.

Seek help, you will find understanding. As a PP said, women's aid aren't running a competition to see who is most abused. Work steadily toward getting your freedom.

Good luck OP you may have a long journey ahead but you know you are going in the right direction - the very first step is recognising the truth of the situation and you've done that.

Document EVERYTHING. I wish I had.

You can absolutely do it, OP. Make that call. It’s not legally binding! It’ll just give you a chance to talk to another person openly and find out what help is out there.