How to have difficult conversations

[SadWife2020]

Hi all - I name change periodically for privacy but am a regular - naice ham, penis beaker etc. Not having a good time in my marriage. One issue is DH says he doesn’t feel he can raise difficult issues with me as I am emotionally manipulative. I do sometimes feel sad or cry at what he says but I don’t blank him or storm off or whatever. I feel like he wants to be able to say anything he likes to me however difficult or hurtful and I’m not allowed to react. Thoughts?

If you don't know what he is going to say/ how harsh it will be then how can you control how you will react? It sounds quite controlling to insist that he can't talk to you because you get upset. Most people will get upset when they are critcised. He wants you to "play nice" and/or have a big get out of discussing difficult issues with the excuse that you get upset so he can't discuss anything.

Is there some other way you could have a discussion, perhaps he could write you a note/email about his issues (although sometimes seeing things in black and white and being able to re read them is even more stark and harsh) and then you reply in the same way.

Could you afford some counselling sessions so there is a third paryy/moderator there. Although if he is abusive this is not a good idea.

Do you get notice of when he wants to "discuss" things with you and do you get anxious in the build up to the time appointed or do you feel "ambushed" out of the blue? Would it be easier to go for a walk and talk about things if sitting at the dining table (for example) is too intense? Sometimes having smaller discussions about one issue at a time that are also time limited work better.

Can you give an example of what he means?

For example, does he try to talk about something you're doing that he doesn't like and you make it all about you or turn it around on him or just start crying?

Or does he mean something else? Do you have a recent example of what he's talking about?

I'd describe myself as highly sensitive and sometimes DH says he feels he's walking on eggshells as he feels like he's always trying to avoid me crying.

I've explained to him that I cant change how sensitive I am and that I absolutely don't want him to keep things from me to avoid me crying. I've accepted that I'm sensitive but I guess he has not....yet! Even though I'm sensitive I own my feelings, like its just that my feelings can be quite extreme to little things but its not that I am taking things personally or blaming him for my reactions. Which I think is where he gets confused, it's like he thinks it's his responsibility to stop me from crying and its really not. Maybe he has an assumption that when I'm upset he thinks I'm blaming him which I'm not.

Basically he needs to be OK with my reactions since I am.

He understands this and is trying.

I so acknowledge that it must be difficult for him but I won't apologise for how I am.

Can you say what little things you cry about? I can really understand how difficult it is to have a conversation with someone who just bursts into tears. Are you like this at work? If a colleague or your manager has a word with you about something do you break down in tears?

Responded to the wrong post.

Thanks all. He’s not abusive but he does have MH problems and he wants to change things because he thinks that will fix his MH. Big things like job, money, schools. We have tried this before unsuccessfully and I am coming to the end of my tolerance for ideas that will turn my life and the kids’ lives upside down again. So when he brings them up I get upset because it feels like he is trashing the life we have built and ignoring the sacrifices the family has made for him and that new sacrifices he is asking for. He says he feels he can’t even talk about his ideas. Sorry that’s a massive drip feed but maybe you can’t respond to my q about how we should talk about this stuff without that info

So I don't think I can give advice, maybe more my perspective. I find it very difficult having difficult conversations with my wife. There are two elements to this.. firstly in the past I have struggled having these conversations with anyone - eg when a tradesmen screws up.... I just don't like confrontation that much.

But then with my wife... I just really struggle in part due to her personality. I feel, that she makes the job which i already struggle with much harder. For example she is a workaholic and when I tried to address the impact this had on our relationship she instead focused on the one or two time when I have worked on a weekend.

I'm not blaming her, I am equally to blame. But I think the first stage is realizing that for it to work then you both need to accept why there is an issue (too judgmental say) and address it and look to change.

I have a family member with MH. My whole childhood was about how they were feeling and walking on egg shells around them. They blamed their mental health on everybody and every thing.

‘If we moved away’ ( five times before I was ten)
If they could get a better job
If the kids didn’t play up as much
If so and so wasn’t such a bitch and wasn’t trying to ruin their life
If my other parent wasn’t making them so miserable
If they had more freedom
If the GP listened to her and have her better medication
If I could get a better job where the manager doesn’t hate me

The list was endless.

I really feel the depression changed them so much they couldn’t or wouldn’t consider how they we’re making every one else feel.

Your issue isn’t about how to have a conversation, your issue is that your dh can only see or feel his own unhappiness. From personal experience you can not change that.

The book *Depression Fallout’ is brilliant. It was a light bulb moment for me when I read it. It’s about how a person suffering with depression can effect the whole family.

Do not put yourself in a bad financial situation for the sake of his MH. Because when it goes tits up he will blame everything else and be able to wallow in his depression whilst your picking up the pieces.

It sounds like you have tried his ideas and they have failed. Now you need to protect YOUR MH because that’s seriously at risk too.

By the way - him saying you are emotionally manipulative when he starts telling you of his new ideas means he just wants you to STFU and smile and nod.

Time to draw a line in the sand now. Put your welfare and the kids before him - if that means you have to split do it. Don’t be a victim of his MH

Wisewords Byallmeans. I agree that Depression Falllout by Anne Sheffield is worth a look. There is also an online forum called Depressionfalloutmessageboard and those caring for people with depression post in the General Discussion.

OP has your DH got help for his MH? I know that I always find it difficult to assess what is the depression and what is emotional manipulation. It sounds like it is always about his wants and hopes and dreams. If he is like my H then he will never be satisfied and you will not get the respect or acknowledgement about "what a gem" you are from him. Do you feel cherished? Saying "he can't talk to you" is a good way to get you to listen and for him to feel self righteous if you can't show upset.

My H and I find it easiest to go for a walk to talk in just short bursts (I wore dark glasses in case of tears in the darkest days of our relationship), otherwise he either gets agitated and leaves the house when I start the discussion or if I'm not receptive to another brainwave he tells me (like your H does you) I'm too difficult to talk to. I rarely cry but if I do I keep my voice low and calm. Don't feel you always need to answer his critcising or ideas with your views, you can just say, "I'll need to think about that."

It is so hurtful when your history especially with the DC is trashed and you are made to feel unsupportive and at fault when you have been a solid support and gone above and beyond. I know for me my behaviour needed to change and I drew some pretty stark red lines as I was partly enabling his behaviour (I'm a people pleaser and someone who used to believe if you felt passionately about something then you should pursue it).