Do I tell him how I feel?

[Moooning]

Hi mumsnetters. I have name changed for this as I don't want to be identifiable, but have posted before.

I wonder if you all can give me some insight as I feel a bit all over the place and blindsided by my feelings.

I got talking to guy almost 4 months ago now OLD. The world was very much in the grip of covid at the time, and we talked lots every day as we weren't seeing many people obviously. He was in hotel quarantine as had arrived in this country (Australia) for work as a sub sea engineer. It was all quite light-hearted, then things opened up here and we did get to meet before he went to work. We had amazing chemistry and sex, and then he took a couple of extra days a couple of weeks later post job here,before making his way back home to Scotland (where we are both from). We spent those days together and he went home. I was really into him but kind of thought all along that would probably be it, given the circumstances etc. He did say he thought we should see each other again. I should add I am due to go back to Scotland for good soon too.

After a few days he got in touch, and we carried on regular texting communication. Most days really. Sometimes idle, funny chat. Sometimes sexting...and it is really really good. I've not had sexual chemistry like this for a long time. We are both mid-late 30s, no children or marriages.

Anyway, he came back here again on a job, did quarantine etc. and we just saw each other again for the first time after 10 weeks before he went on the rig. He'll be away a good 6 weeks this time, in that time I'll be moving back home. We mentioned briefly that we'll see each other back in Scotland in the future.

We both haven't talked about anything serious or exclusivity. I suppose it seems daft to do so given we've only spent 3 separate occasions together and known each other 3/4 months. I'm too afraid to check Tinder as I don't want to know if he's using it, daft I know! Saying that I tried to carry on with OLD after the first time he was here as I knew I had it bad and wanted to move on, but to no avail.

He's reasonably introverted and quite a private person, not the super emotional type. I on the other hand am quite extroverted and open. I find it easy to make friends and keep myself busy with work and activities etc, but I just can't get this guy out of my head. I'm really into him. It's such a strange situation and the not seeing him often doesn't really bother me in itself, as we communicate a lot. We are both quite independent people who have lived and worked in different places over the years, and both like and are used to having our own space. But I want to know what he's thinking about us I guess. It's tormenting me. I'm not interested in anyone else and I know I wouldn't like it if he was hooking up with other people. Is it too early to lay it out how I feel? I don't even know if it can realistically go anywhere given all the caveats involved. We live in different parts of Scotland atm, he's quite remote but he always has to come to my home city where I'm moving back to to fly in and out for his job. Is it a bit nuts to want some clarity/idea of where it's going this early on? Or should I hold back and see how things play out?

Maybe it's best to tell him I don't think I can do the super casual thing, be the cool girl. Because I can't. I've never really been able to separate sex and feelings for too long. But then this situation is a strange one. Should I tell him and risk cutting my losses? I'm not sure I can handle many more weeks and months of communicating but not knowing where I stand. But equally it's early days and it's hard to know what I really want! Argghh! I just really like him and am afraid of getting more invested and inevitably hurt

I typed out a message, but plan on at least letting the dust settle and gathering my thoughts for a few days. I realise I'm in the post intimacy feelings/glow and feel a bit cut up and missing him. I also realise I'm dealing with other major events like moving back to a country that is nothing like the home I left a couple of years ago, saying goodbye to so many people here, and reconnecting with family and friends I've missed so badly. So obsessing over this man is the last thing I need...perhaps subconsciously it's a distraction from everything else?

I'm just a bit all over the place and emotional, and could really use some support and guidance on this

Thank you

Its a difficult situation to be in. I am always one for just putting myself out there and telling people how I feel...tactfully. 2 things I would ask myself

1. could I have a relationship with someone who travels weeks/months away on end while I sit at home waiting for them to come back and continue our relationship?
2. does this guy make me feel safe that I can talk openly and honestly about how I'm feeling and not insecure. You can tell someone that you like them without putting yourself out there too much. Generally most people give you a straight answer and those who don't I wouldnt trust and I'd move on...

@Boopthesnoot1 thank you so much for your insights.

I think I will ultimately have to say something. Even if it's just to get some closure. I'm not sure feeling this upset about it all is a good sign. I definitely also have a habit of strong attraction to emotionally unavailable men, and I suspect he might be one of those. He's not emotionally demonstrative or affectionate, and I think a bit rigid in thinking, much like my father funnily enough. But like my dad he seems to be a good, stable man, generous and responsible and holds family values dear.

I suppose telling him I want to be exclusive and a desire for clarification on things might just send him running, and if so then I can draw a line under it. Can I really wait another couple of months before I get to see him again when I feel like this? All the while wondering where I stand, and only growing closer on my part with all the communication.

A phrase my mum uses keeps coming to mind... 'why stoop so low to pick so little?' I wonder if this applies here. I've had a rotten time with men over the last few years. Maybe I want and/or deserve a bit more

As you say, you haven't spent much time together. I would wait until you meet up in Scotland. Try not to obsess about him or invest too much. Easier said than done, I know. But the other saying is 'What's for you won't go by you'. Once in Scotland you can have the exclusivity chat and go from there.
These things are best done face to face, not by text.
Also, if you become suddenly unavailable for sexting you'll soon know by his response and behaviour if that's all he is in it for. He may like you a lot, but is just keen on a sexting buddy with no strings.

You could put it something like this 'hey, I just want to let you know I have enjoyed talking/ getting to know you last few months but I just want to find out where your head space is regarding me / us.

I would probably leave it at that and see what he says. If he says yeah its been good but not looking at anything serious you can say 'that's cool, I just wanted to be on the same page!' Dont even tell him where you are with your feelings. Then you can decide to push him away from there. If he is coy, I would run for the hills because he either is in to you or he is not and if he is, he should say it straight up.

In your shoes I wouldn't say anything. Difficult as it is, it would be better to let it evolve. It is very early days and trying to label what's going on could scupper it. There are no guarantees. He could say that he wants to be exclusive etc but still decide in a few months' time that it's not for him. Or you could decide that he's not for you and choose to end it yourself.

But its been 4 months and they have slept together. She has spent 4 months not knowing how she stands in this and if it could develop into something. He doesn't need to say 'yes I'm looking to go exclusive or not'. She just needs an idea if its heading in that direction. Could u imagine leaving it for another 3 months and him turning around and saying sorry but I not interested in anything with you? She then will be invested more and wasted over 6months on someone who doesn't want anything serious.
Let's give an example
If you see a nice dress in the shop, you try it on and you love it. You don't then wait 7months waiting for other people to buy it and you potentially miss out. No you get it as soon as you can. Her casually having an open conversation about where this might end up down the track (leaving the needy feelings out of it) isn't a big ask/ shouldn't be a turn off to a guy that generally likes you.

Thank you all for helping screw my head back on! Yes you're right, it's so early on and circumstances are strange. I might be in a totally different headspace by the time I get back anyway, and feel very differently about him once I'm in my own environment and back around people I have known and loved a long time. I'll see how communication goes over the next few weeks. I'm definitely the chatter one and share more about myself, but he always responds immediately and keeps the conversation going etc. A couple of times when I've just left it and gone on with life, knowing it would be ages before we might meet again, he has always got in touch after a few days wondering what I'm up to and how I'm doing.

I'm quite tired and emotional, and can be impulsive. It's amazing how much incredible sex can really cloud your thoughts too. All those chemicals and hormones make me feel a bit mental sometimes!

Sending the text will give you clarity, which you need. I hope you get the answer you want.

@Boopthesnoot1 I only just saw your last post. Thank you for this different viewpoint. I'm afraid of being to vague as he might just be vague back. In some ways I realise I have more 'power' for want of a better word, in that I have a lot of freedoms he doesn't, and could technically be dating or hooking up all over the shop. He's either been on rigs for weeks at a time, or in quarantine either or here or back home. And he lives remotely too.

He's made a couple of throwaway jokey comments in terms of me potentially meeting other people. I must admit I caved and when he was back home after our first couple of meets I asked him something along the lines of whether he had found another Tinder victim to enjoy yet haha, he responded with 'tinder in (remote place)? Yeah right '

So yeah. I should just stop over analysing maybe!