Does anyone find a way to maintain a slight detachment to their partner emotionally to prevent going all in?

[Kizzle510]

As any relationship can end so does anyone almost keep a piece of themselves private in a way to be a full autonomous person?

Whether it be maintaining your own friends, money, emotionally, etc?

Hard to explain what I mean!

I guess sometimes putting all your eggs in 1 basket can make a relationship too intense and prone to arguments

I did this throughout every relationship I've ever had. Not one single one of those relationships worked.

Mind you, I don't think that's down to what you describe. It's probably down to the fact I am completely incapable of having a relationship.

This sounds like avoidant attachment style?

"Essentially, it is a defense mechanism, and people with avoidant attachment style may completely avoid relationships altogether, or keep anyone new they meet at a distance. They may sabotage their blossoming romances out of nowhere, because they are scared their new partner will leave them — so they get in there first."

www.businessinsider.com/what-is-avoidant-attachment-style-2018-3

@yawnsvillex interesting - in what way did you do this and do you think that in any way contributed to the relationships ending?

I’ve noticed I’m deliberately doing this at the moment. Something came up and I don’t like how it was resolved - his way or the highway. So I took it on the chin (it was something small). However, it’s made me hold back from committing to him fully. He hasn’t noticed yet, but I’m holding a piece of me back. I don’t mind sharing our living spaces together, but I will now hold off buying a house with him. Better to stay in my own house.

For me, it’s a form of maintaining power.

I think it's possible to 'keep your centre' and it's not the same as having an avoidant attachment style.

As you say, keep your own goals, hobbies, interests and space to think.

Keep in mind you don't need this person- you can love them but you don't need them to survive.

Keep watching how they treat you and if you see red flags/ inappropriate treatment, don't be afraid to bin them.

I think you're talking about not becoming so emotionally invested that you lose the ability to act appropriately in accordance with their behaviour.

This is remembering that there's no-one you can't live without, especially if they treat you unsuitably.

Remembering your worth and how you deserve to be treated basically.

I'm guilty of this 🙋‍♀️

I've come to realise, only recently, that I'm only comfortable opening up completely with a few close friends because they "hopefully" won't leave me.

I'm off to read the article 😬

Thanks all so far
@SoulofanAggron yes very true

@JustResting I know exactly what you mean - like a defence mechanism

There's a difference between holding back emotionally thinking you will protect yourself and having some kind of a separate life to your partner ensuring you maintain friendships and have some kind of financial independence or security in your own right or hobbies and interests that take you out of the house so your whole life isn't wrapped up in family or relationship life.

The first is often done out fear and insecurity and maybe past trauma.
The second can actually be very healthy and has the bonus of leaving you in a stronger position if the relationship ends.
It can also be good for the relationship.

There's a good book called Mating in captivity by Esther Perel.
She discusses infidelity and domestic life and how sharing absolutely everything with your partner with no mystery or life of your own can cause the relationship to lose it's spark leading to a lack of sexual desire. In her opinion when you have passions of your own and a life outside of your partner that helps to keep the spark in relationships!

I've thus far failed in every relationship and there's been a few. I'm not young. I'll use myself as an example for that reason. I've been in love about 5 times.
I invested my heart and soul into each ex while they succeeded in their careers as I was tutoring them in business stuff and even put savings in to get them up the ladder professionally. I always got it back and things would be brilliant until their eyes strayed and they'd impressed someone new.
Why I even married one of them and had two DC's with him whilst running his business as I had maternity leave... Then my best friend came to stay as she was in a sticky place in her life. Bless. And that was the end of my marriage.
My point is utter trust. How would you know?
When my marriage dissolved I was about 37 I asked a very close friend of mine in her early 50s, when does maturity come into play and one stops making I'll judged decisions about love? To have the knowledge to avoid mistakes? She told me never.
I'm her age now. Two further heartbreaks on I make her right.
Shallowness I believe is what I need to avoid.
Be strong everyone 👍

OMG @Personcalledjoy that's exactly me .....

I used to "write off" the relationship or chose partners that were emotionally unavailable because in my head the relationship was doomed to fail. I was never wrong mind you - but that's likely down to men I chose.

I can't ever put myself through all that again. I'm at my happiest when single. I'm 43 and no sexual relationship in anyway for 2.5 years.

It's normal and healthy to not enmesh yourself with someone else completely. It's normal to have your own friends and your own life outside of the relationship.

[quote Kizzle510]@yawnsvillex interesting - in what way did you do this and do you think that in any way contributed to the relationships ending?[/quote]

I subconsciously chose relationships that would never have worked. They were either emotionally or physically unavailable, this gave me a sense of "control" so I was protecting myself. They could never fully commit so I'd already write the relationship off.

I can't face another relationship ever again. I do have a DC that I had alone by choice, so I feel my life is complete.

I know this sounds so completely warped - but I've been hurt so badly I can't ever put myself through it again. So I used to ALWAYS hold back a part of me because I had to, to avoid the hurt that was coming. I wasn't ever wrong, BUT ... I'm sure this was all down to me.

@Personcalledjoy explains it perfectly.

Oh and yes! @Personcalledjoy mentions sabotage

I would also do this. I'd ruin the relationship before the other person had a chance.

Ugh! Apologies for the bold