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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My ex. Yo yo

21 replies

damnthisvirusandmarriage · 15/09/2020 20:11

After weeks of gaslighting, slander, abuse my ex husband loves me again. Misses me. Is down because he has nothing and somehow thinks I have so much.

Had a really positive experience with him today and the children. It was lovely quality time. I rewarded it with extra time too as he behaved. And a positive text afterwards thankiNg him for the nice time.

I’m just like, he won’t be this nice forever. I miss this side of him 😔

OP posts:

Katiefizz · 15/09/2020 20:14

You are playing with fire imho. He is who he is, not who you want him to be. You need to keep distance with the person you described in your first sentence. Forget the rest. It's meaningless.

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/09/2020 20:17

He's being nice yet you still received the message that he has so little and you so much.

Do you have so much because you put in a lot and he didn't by any chance?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/09/2020 20:17

You are in the nice part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse. You are right in thinking this will not last. He has not changed. Abusers are not nasty all the time and he is playing you here yet again.

You ultimately need to leave this man and make him your ex husband.

jeaux90 · 15/09/2020 20:17

You know he's trying to reel you back in with the good behaviour right? This isn't who he really is and you know that.

Bunnymumy · 15/09/2020 20:19

You know its all a bullshit act right?
The acting nice is just manipulation pure and simple. It isnt a 'side' of him. He is rotten. It's just sometimes be pretends not to be because he thinks it'll get him what he wants.

He isnt a puppy. He is a dangerous man. And rewarding him for 'behaving' will only work on occasion. And you'll have no idea when he will revert back to nastiness again. Don't think that you can control him, you cannot. As pp said- you are playing with fire.

category12 · 15/09/2020 20:21

Why are you spending time with him?

Original poster

damnthisvirusandmarriage · 15/09/2020 20:23

I know 😔 I really do.

I’m getting texts from him about how little he has and how much I’ve got (I’m on benefits with a small business whilst raising two kids on my own).

He’s on his come down from his month of high where he’s been camping, partying, wild swimming, etc etc etc.

Fuck it’s hard.

OP posts:

Original poster

damnthisvirusandmarriage · 15/09/2020 20:23

I don’t even know what’s hard. Just I feel a bit sorry for him. I think.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/09/2020 20:25

Feel sorry for him, that's OK. There's a pet snake that escaped near me recently and died. I feel really sorry for the poor snake.

I still wouldn't have the snake in my house or trust it in any way. Feeling fine, action not fine.

tornadoalley · 15/09/2020 20:25

You need to concentrate on you and your DC and forget him and any chance of him changing. He won't

Bunnymumy · 15/09/2020 20:26

Basically he is eyeing you like a hungry shark would a lone swimmer. Sorry for him? Come on op give your head a wobble. He is a predator. Never forget that.

Katiefizz · 15/09/2020 20:30

I know it is. I have been where you are in a past relationship and also with family members. It's almost like I couldn't trust my own judgement and had to keep getting hurt in order to prove that they were capable of hurting me... I had counselling, which helped a great deal.

You know who he is, and what he's capable of. Start protecting yourself from him.

As for him saying you have more than him.... I've been homeless and I wouldn't have said that to anyone .... It's shameless and it's a pathetic attempt at gaining sympathy and probably looking for an angle to exploit your nature ... his life is his responsibility, not yours.

Original poster

damnthisvirusandmarriage · 15/09/2020 20:34

Thank you everyone for your words. REALLY need to hear them. I’m not ever gonna get back with this man. Not under any circumstances. But is it still my place to deal with his insecurities??

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/09/2020 20:39

No it is not your place to deal with his insecurities. Whatever gave you this idea?. Him?

He is more than merely insecure, he is abusive. His actions here are about power and control and he still wants absolute over you. He cares only for his own self.

Delbelleber · 15/09/2020 20:45

Tbh I'm in a similar cycle and I am learning the hard way. It's shite. Don't do it to yourself. Be strong and say enough is enough or he will just keep on hurting you and it will get worse.

Bunnymumy · 15/09/2020 20:46

Absolutely not. He is your ex. And a bastard. And he isn't insecure, he is jealous. And he is sizing you up either to take from you or to kick you down in some way, in order to feel good (as bullies do).

You would be wise to block him on every method of contact bar one and even on that, only engage with him in matters regarding the children. Just straight up don't reply to anything else.

No more days out or other silliness with him either. Never invite him to your home or go into his and if possible,have someone else do the drop off and pick up of the kids.

You need to learn that when he texts you with 'woe is me, how come you have it so good?' He is actually saying 'I want to take you down a peg or two because how dare you have more than me? You don't deserve it. You dobt deserve to be happy or free of me'.

HolyForkinShirt · 15/09/2020 20:57

Speaking as someone who has been in your situation. Back and forth with an ex who promises the world, then goes awol for weeks.

Shut the door. He will not change. He is not your problem to fix. He has nothing because that is what he chose.

These men enjoy the power, he will enjoy feeling like he can get you back. Then you will be on the cycle once again.

I know it's easier said than done, because you feel the good out weighs the bad.

Also, I'm pretty sure I really damaged my children by the back a forth. It kills me to this day that they felt as unstable and I did because I kept letting their father walk all over me and pick me up and drop me.

Stay strong 💪 good luck xx

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/09/2020 20:59

I had a moment of total clarity coming out of my first marriage. I looked at him and a light shone down and an angelic choir started singing and my mind said, "you're not my problem any more". It was a total revelation.

He's not your problem any more.

The MN response of any message he sends you getting a 👍🏽 and nothing else works here.

category12 · 15/09/2020 21:03

But is it still my place to deal with his insecurities??

No.

And it never was. His insecurities are his to deal with, they should never have been yours to deal with. Women are often expected to do the emotional labour that rightly belongs with their partners, but it's wrong and it doesn't work, because it's their baggage. And in no way, is it yours to manage as his ex.

Iloveme30 · 15/09/2020 21:11

No no no just NO!
Stop listening to his whining he's only reeling you in the minute he has his foot in the door he'll treat you like shit again and your back to square one 😩😩😩😩😩
Never go back your nearly there .
When your going through hell keep going

HolyForkinShirt · 15/09/2020 21:54

W*hen your going through hell keep on going
*
This !!

There is a fantastic song by Rodney Atkins. Have a listen OP, it got me through many rough times.

If you're going through Hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared, don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

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