Anyone else in a relationship with someone who makes it into you vs them?

[LittleTwiglet]

My partner has been like this for some time now, worse since we had our dd, but its constant. Im starting to feel like I cant say anything at all because he turns into a competition, me vs him, and he's always the losing party apparently. Its normal conversations we have, but somehow he ends up in a strop.

Anybody else have this in their relationship? How do you deal with it. Ive tried talking but he seemingly isn't able to be an adult about things.

Not sure what you mean op, can you give an example?

Like, when talking about having a living room next to the kitchen would be more practical for me, as I'm at home with my daughter and I need to get things done in the kitchen, that it to me is easier to have them in the next room, rather than have to leave her in a further away room while I'm doing household bits, as she's only 16 months and likes to see what is going on. He then responds that he doesn't get a say then and I get what I want. I've tried explaining that it just seems more practical with her being at a young age.

It happens with most conversations we have lately.

Get yourself out now, before your daughter is too old to know the difference.

You may be dealing with a narcissist or similar - they create arguments out of nothing in order to 'win'. And for them to win, someone has to lose. He'll suck you dry and grind you into the dirt.

Go, while you still have the strength.

Do you have any other examples? Sorry, just not really sure. I don’t think this needs to be a ‘get out now’ situation, when did it start? Has anything changed recently? Have you talked to him about what it is going on?

@Bunnymumy

Get yourself out now, before your daughter is too old to know the difference.

You may be dealing with a narcissist or similar - they create arguments out of nothing in order to 'win'. And for them to win, someone has to lose. He'll suck you dry and grind you into the dirt.

Go, while you still have the strength.

Been there . I 100% agree , it's not worth the effort . Stupid manchild

I mean in that one example, without the context of the tone...I kind of get his point.
I'm sure you just said it an option in your opinion a living room next to kitchen would be better. But if you said that then just shot down his opinions he would be right to strop. Again - I'm sure you didn't.

Have you any other examples?

Your priorities should be the same - your reasons for the kitchen, for example, are reasonable and rooted in sense and practicality. Even if it was something he hadn't considered due to not being the one who requires it, his response should have been something like, "that makes sense. I was thinking that..." at which point you could both weight up the pros and cons of the choices.

But to dig his heels in with a whine that he isnt getting his own way?

In fact, that's pretty much how all disagreements should be resolved.

Has he always been like this or is he feeling hard done by because you are at home with DD or his job is extremely stressful and yours isn't or he feels you have little interest in him etc.
His behaviour is childish but just wondering why he has this need to win one over you.

I am struck by you saying it's been worse since you had a child. Is he one if those men who needs to be the centre of your universe and have all your attention? And now narky because baby is your priority?

He sounds like a child who hasn't learnt to have a discussion yet. The normal thing to do when talking about house layouts is to discuss, back and forth, pros and cons, preferences etc and you both listen to each other's point of view. Believe it or not it can be fun and enjoyable to have these types of talks.

It shouldn't be this difficult op

My exh was the same. Also he had to be the most tired /worst headache /colder /. He had to have a big present when
I turned 40 as it wasn't fair it was all about me..
He was an exh before I was 41..

Ahh yes competitive tiredness or sickness, I used to be married to one of those.

Yeah Bunnymummy is spot on.

I've also "been there and done that"

I'm really sorry OP, but this will only get worse.

Hmmm, not really enough to go on here. Do you have any other examples? Is he a very disagreeable person about anything?

It seems to be about everything and nothing. Looking back its probably always been like it, but nowhere near this extent.

He definitely is always more tired than me, his headaches are worse than mine, his back aches more than mine etc.

At the moment he has been at home since March on furlough, hoping to go back in October I think.

The latest this morning is 'discussing' the options for fridges and freezers. He has said about getting a fridge/freezer combo as well as a chest freezer, and all I said was I didnt realise he was on about having both the other day, and he instantly got annoyed and stropped off again, I called after him and said to come back and have a discussion over it as I wasn't aware that that was what he meant. But he wouldn't have it and started banging about in the kitchen.

I've tried speaking to him so many times, but it always ends the same way, him thinking its a competition when I've told him its not at all that we are just talking, but then he gets in this mood and strops off. Its so hard to deal with, along with my dd, moving home and just starting my 12th week of pregnancy.

What Bunnymumy wrote earlier in its entirety:-

"Get yourself out now, before your daughter is too old to know the difference.

You may be dealing with a narcissist or similar - they create arguments out of nothing in order to 'win'. And for them to win, someone has to lose. He'll suck you dry and grind you into the dirt.

Go, while you still have the strength".

Abuse is not just physical in nature and what you're describing here is he being emotionally abusive. Sulking is another form of emotional abuse. Speaking to him is a waste of time and effort, he does not want to know and its all about him. He does not care about you, your DD or the fact that you are pregnant again. You really do not want to be raising two children in this toxic environment.

So it might be time to sit him down and tell him in short plain words that if this continues - not only his attitude, but completely refusing to acknowledge that you are signalling that there is a problem - then he will wake up one day to find that you've packed your bags?

Spoiled man child who doesn't respect you or your baby.

He sounds utterly self absorbed. He references everything back to how it affects him. I was married to a man like this and it’s totally draining. You can never voice your feelings about being tired or unwell because it’s just dismissed. When he closes down all communication by having a toddler tantrum, it means you don’t have a voice, you are not important, you are not equal in his eyes. If he won’t come to the table to discuss with you as an equal you have a big problem. you need to tell him you won’t be silenced. If he doesn’t start communicating, He leaves you no choice but leave. How he reacts to that will tell you everything.