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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Separated-can this work

8 replies

NewMe2 · 15/09/2020 17:40

Hi, so I recently told my husband we were over. He is understandably upset but overall has taken it well. We are being friendly and civil with each other. Every so often he try’s to convince me to change my mind but I remind him that my mind is made up and he accepts that.
But, we are in a difficult situation. He is in the military and we are posted abroad, we have 3 children. We have less than a year left. He suggested seeing the same rat of the time out in order to save money to set us both up when we go home, let the kids finish the school year etc. I do believe there is a part of him that wants this to hold on as long as possible but on the other hand he does have a point. We own a house and cannot sell it till august next year which means I would have to rent until then. If we do decide to stay the plan would be to obviously sleep in separate rooms. I would probably still cook him meals when I’m cooking etc, probably live very similar to how we have been except separated. We have an expensive holiday booked on the same island we live on (so no travelling) that we will lose money on if we cancel, I suggested he go with the kids but he said why don’t I go, he doesn’t expect to share a bed or anything. Is all of this acceptable to do when separated?
I keep making it clear that this is it and there’s no changing my mind, but I also think he has a point with staying the time here. And with the holiday as well I don’t know what to think, is it unreasonable to still do things as a family if we are separated?

TIA

OP posts:
NewMe2 · 15/09/2020 17:41

he suggested seeing the rest of the time out here at our posting (sorry that part didn’t make sense)

OP posts:
whataballbag · 15/09/2020 17:42

I would see it out if you're getting on well to be honest.

Ex DP has been living here through the pandemic and honestly the support has been amazing and we do get on really well.

lonelySam · 15/09/2020 18:13

We're doing the same at the moment, if you do get on then it can work, I think.

NewMe2 · 15/09/2020 19:05

Thanks guys, what do you think about the, still going out as a family thing, obviously separated but taking the kids to restaurants together, waterpark/theme parks, and this holiday? Xx

OP posts:
Mylittlelemon · 15/09/2020 19:13

My ex lived with me for quite a while and we occasionally did family stuff together and went on a pre-booked long w/e. Make sure no boundaries are crossed and you are clear and concise in your actions and words. It's also fairer on the kids, less disruptive.

Treacletoots · 15/09/2020 19:18

Oh dear. What happens if he meets someone?

I think you need to rip off that bandage, rent somewhere and start living that independent single life you said you wanted when you told him you wanted a divorce. otherwise it just looks like you want to have your cake and eat it, and that will wear very thin, very quickly.

If you want a good relationship in the future, respect him enough to move out and let him get on with his life. Otherwise you're just saving strife for later down the line

BloodyMiserable · 15/09/2020 19:39

I'm doing something similar, but not out of choice. Told my ex we were done almost a year ago, that I wanted to be amicable etc.

It often doesn't work out that way; once the lawyers get involved it can get nasty.

We still haven't told the DC yet as there is nothing concrete to tell them. It feels quite dysfunctional & I just want to move on.

Nyclair · 15/09/2020 19:43

If you're getting along ok I would see it out but I think you need firm boundaries in the house.

I lived with my ex hub for 4 months after we separated. Separate rooms and we ate separately for the most part.

I wouldn't take the holiday together, too coupley and may give false hope. You need to start living separate lives although you're still living together

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