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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My relationship with my dad has worsened since COVID

4 replies

vanillandhoney · 15/09/2020 17:02

Background - DDad is mid sixties, fit and healthy. Never smoked, not overweight and runs daily. He also has aspergers. I'm early thirties and also fit and healthy. I also have aspergers although mine is "mild".

The last time I saw him was pre-lockdown in February. Him and mum are still married and live about an hours' drive away from me. I had arranged to visit in March, but lockdown hit. Since we were allowed to mix households, I've met up with my mum every couple of weeks - normally for a dog walk and then we've sat and had lunch or coffee and cake outside. She's visited my house and had coffee here too.

Dad has seen nobody. He hasn't been into a shop or cafe or even into town since mid-March. He's obsessed with COVID, reads the news and articles about it constantly and is obsessed with the numbers involved. Fine. Mostly that's his aspergers. He's also barely been in touch with me since that time - no messages, never rings - likes the odd photo on FB but that's it. Mum and I speak most days and ring once or twice a week. He's not interested.

I saw mum today - spent about four hours together in the sun, had afternoon tea etc. All fine. I dropped her back home and went in to use the toilet. All dad said when I saw me was "go away, you're not allowed here". That's it. I was at least six meters away from him in a different bloody room!

I know his aspergers makes him blunt and I know he's worried but is that not just extremely rude? I was so hurt. I haven't seen him since February and he couldn't even ask how I was. He just told me to go away. Our relationship has been strained for a while (on his part - he never puts the effort in to see me so I've just stopped bothering) but this is pretty much the icing on the cake for me. I get he's worried but really?!

I don't really know what I want from this - it's more a rant than anything. I cried on the way home because I just don't understand how someone can treat their own child like that Sad

OP posts:
HappyInL0nd0n · 15/09/2020 17:51

Sorry to hear that. Sounds like a really tough situation and I'm sure it brings up all kinds of childhood feelings for you. Putting kids through the evening run so can't add much right now, but I guess the key thing is to work out how much is his Asperger s and how much is his personality at play here? What kind of balance can you find in your relationship that's realistically attainable? Hugs to you. x

vanillandhoney · 15/09/2020 20:06

Thanks for the reply :)

Yes, it's a very complicated relationship. We were extremely close when I was younger and he did the majority of the childcare, but now we have pretty much nothing in common. Since I moved out and got married he seems to have just lost interest, though he would always chat if I went over. Likewise if I rang him, he'd talk to me happily, but he'd never think to ring me.

It was very much "out of sight, out of mind", whereas my mum will send me stuff on FB, randomly text or call etc. I don't know. I was just really hurt with how he spoke to me. I can't imagine speaking to my children that way.

OP posts:
HappyInL0nd0n · 15/09/2020 21:22

It's really hard, no doubt. I always find Philippa Perry (she's a psychotherapist- you can find videos on YouTube) really helpful when it comes to unpacking childhood stuff for me.

Essentially, it's a pretty frightening time for everyone. Exactly the time you want your dad to give you a big hug and ask about how you're doing. I'm sorry he wasn't able to do that and to be the father you needed at that moment.

What does your mum make of it? Can you be honest with her about the impact of your dad's behaviour? Does she cover for him or support you? Sending you a huge virtual hug.

2020 fucking blows x

AnnaMagnani · 15/09/2020 21:37

It sounds like he is lost in a Covid wormhole and it is all consuming for him.

He may well not have meant to sound rude but if he is obsessed with Covid, concerned that you shouldn't stand too close and then very very blunt.

Have you ever fed back to him that you want him to call you? Or been just as blunt as he is to get a message across very clearly and unambiguously? He is not someone who is going to mindread or pick up on non verbal cues.

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