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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable?

22 replies

Kelsie1784 · 15/09/2020 13:03

I have been with my partner for 7 years, most of which have been difficult. I supported him through family court to obtain full custody of his children and they now live with us in my property.
He does not do much to support his children and leaves all jobs in the house to me. He works hard, but i am also at University and working and feel like I have another job at home.
He has become irresponsible drinking a lot and often calls me names and threatens me. I have felt trapped for a long time and I am only allowing him to stay here as the thought of uprooting his children again feels terrible as I want them to have the best start in life.
I am getting to the end of my teather now and feel like he and his children should go. Am I being selfish and unreasonable?

OP posts:

footprintsintheslow · 15/09/2020 13:06

I think you must know you aren't selfish or unreasonable.

What extended family does his children have?

Why was he granted sole custody?

username501 · 15/09/2020 13:09

They're not your children OP and I'm wondering why he went for full custody when he obviously had no intention of parenting them properly.

I would run for your life. Run fast, run free.

Original poster

Kelsie1784 · 15/09/2020 13:10

They have family but means them moving away from their school. Their mother is unfortunately useless 😔

OP posts:

Tiny2018 · 15/09/2020 13:13

Us women tend to take on all of the emotional labour in relationships and with the children.
You don't need permission to end this OP.
Things could be much worse, you could have children together and it would be so much harder to end things.
His children are ultimately tour partners and exes problem. If you partner is as useless as he says he is, get rid. The children will be uprooted and that is incredibly sad, but several months down the line you'll hate him anyway and they will likely end up living in a toxic environment.
Get out while you can.

maisythehorse · 15/09/2020 13:14

It could be that's it's in their best interest to get moved to family that can give them love and security, poor children. It's also not your responsibility, don't be trapped by this abusive man

Sunnydaysstillhere · 15/09/2020 13:16

Ime this is what happens when you 'support' an otherwise deadbeat df...
You can bring the dc to their df but you can't make him a parent..
Sadly op they need gone. Or he really won't step up.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/09/2020 13:18

Of course you’re not unreasonable. There are a handful of different things going on all of which make him an arse.

While your compassion for the children speaks highly of you, they’re not your children and while I’m sure it’s unlikely, unless you’ve adopted them he could walk out in the middle of the night with them and you’d have no rights to ever see them again. He’s not pulling his weight and his behaviour is completely unacceptable. You can kick him out. You should kick him out. He sounds awful and potentially very dangerous. Your primary loyalty must be to yourself. No one else is putting you first so you have to.

EhUp · 15/09/2020 13:23

What a shit situation for you OP

YANBU at all in feeling trapped and frustrated. Does your DP have any idea how you are feeling?

How old are the DC?

footprintsintheslow · 15/09/2020 13:26

Are you in contact or friendly with any of the children's extended family?

BewilderedDoughnut · 15/09/2020 13:26

I have been with my partner for 7 years, most of which have been difficult

Why have you been with him 7 years when most of it has been difficult. The time to leave is years overdue! Don't waste another moment on him!

BubblyBarbara · 15/09/2020 13:28

Eugh. One way out of this could be to put the house on the market, would force him to get a move on

SoulofanAggron · 15/09/2020 13:30

He has become irresponsible drinking a lot and often calls me names and threatens me.

This is abuse and you know it. You don't deserve it. Please separate from him. xxx

Bunnymumy · 15/09/2020 13:38

He is abusive. And if you stay, you are showing his children that this sort of behaviour hs acceptable in a relationship. Do them a favour and leave. Hopefully his family will get involved and help them.

I'd wonder if his ex really is 'useless' or if she was before she met him. Sounds plausible that he abused her the same and she lost the plot as a result.

Either way, you need to get away from this nut job. It isnt unreasonable to have your own needs. Or to leave when these needs are ignored or bulldozed over.

bethany39 · 15/09/2020 13:58

How old are you OP?

His kids aren't your problem. It's lovely that you're thinking of them and don't want to hurt them, but that's ultimately their parents failing not yours.

Original poster

Kelsie1784 · 17/09/2020 13:10

Update, thank you for all your input. I am now in the process of packing all his stuff up and making him leave

OP posts:

Sunnydaysstillhere · 17/09/2020 13:49

Woo a woman with balls! Well bloody done op.

Bunnymumy · 17/09/2020 13:54

Good stuff op. Is it going to be safe for you to get him out? Can a friend come over for when he is going?

hellsbellsmelons · 17/09/2020 16:58

Just come across this.
Well done OP and I was relieved to see your update.
This guy is taking the piss and you are asserting yourself and your boundaries.
None of them are your responsibility.
Enjoy your freedom!!!

Joistlooking · 17/09/2020 17:20

Wow go girl and good luck

Bananalanacake · 17/09/2020 18:31

You said he worked hard so I hope he was contributing financially to you, but it is not your job to parent his children, well done on packing his stuff.

LilyLongJohn · 18/09/2020 14:38

Well done op

AFitOfTheVapours · 18/09/2020 14:42

OP, good luck and good for you! I think you absolutely have to report his drinking to social services. It is not your responsibility to sort them or him out but they will need support if he is drinking irresponsibly. Reporting it takes the issue off your conscience, does the right thing by the children and enables you to enjoy your freedom.

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