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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I destroyed our relationship

26 replies

Gemitf · 15/09/2020 02:36

I need help.

Met my partner nearly three years ago, after an awful break up with my ex of six years, who treated me badly/cheated on me/strung me along for ages after our break up, until one day when he ghosted me altogether, and I looked on Facebook and saw he had got engaged. On the last night I ever saw him, he left my house in a rage because he heard that another guy liked me, and was convinced I had cheated even though I was doing everything in my power to make our relationship work. After he left the house, I sought comfort from our mutual friend (who we had both been at uni with and lived together) who then betrayed my trust in the worst possible way, by tucking me up in bed and stroking my hair until I fell asleep, before raping me. I woke up whilst he was doing it, and was paralysed with fear. I never saw him again, and I never reported it to the police, I just tried to get on with my life.

I can’t describe the heartbreak and the pain that these events had, it was so intense, and I had lost two people who were very special to me within one night. In hindsight I wasn’t ready for a new relationship even though a year and a half had passed by the time I met my current partner.

My current partner proposed to me after six months and i said yes. In hindsight it was far too soon and we should have taken things more slowly, but it’s fair to say we were very much in love and it was a bit of a whirlwind. I was pregnant within a month of our engagement and then suffered a miscarriage at seven weeks, followed by another miscarriage a couple of months later. It was a horrendous time. I got into a really dark place and became very depressed, stopped seeing my friends or socialising, and just wondering what the hell had happened in less than a year. Around the same time, I also started to feel deep mistrust for my fiancé (with no good reason at this stage) which was the result of my previous relationship and the feeling I had been left with or ‘whoever I trust, is ultimately going to hurt me.’ I started questioning his movements and interrogating him, generally being emotionally abusive without any intent but it was emotional abuse all the same.

This went on for several months and it got worse and worse. He was patient with me at first, but naturally became irritated and the relationship inevitably started to fall apart. I confided in him about my past and agreed to seek therapy. I had six sessions of CBT and things started to get a bit better.

For the last year or so things have been on an upward trajectory. We had a baby girl in March, and spent lockdown in a bubble of happiness. I had counselling all the way through my pregnancy for my trust issues, and also started a course of sertraline to help me further, which I am still taking to this day.

A few weeks ago he was scrolling his Facebook folder in front of me, and I saw a message from a woman that appeared to be a response to a message, but there was no message from him - so I could see that he had deleted his initial message. He was pretty open about the fact that she was a former fuck buddy, and said he would ask her for a screenshot of their full conversation as he had no idea why his first message was deleted. Got the screenshot the next day: basically he had messaged her in 2018, during the terrible breakdown of our relationship and at the height of my emotional abuse, just saying something like ‘hi, how’s it going?’ He had then deleted the message, and she had replied several weeks later with small talk, and that was the end of the correspondence.

His explanation was that he was desperate at the time, as I was emotionally abusing him, and had asked him not to share our problems with any of his friends or family as I couldn’t bear the shame. He wanted advice on a specific topic (which I won’t detail here) about which we had been arguing constantly, and this woman (for reasons that do seem plausible) was well equipped to give advice on that topic. He swore he had no intention to flirt, or to cheat, and it would indeed be very out of character for him, as he’s always been a very kind, transparent and loyal partner on the face of things. But I started questioning everything and wondering whether he was gaslighting me, and I have never really fully believed that his motive was purely innocent.

I told him that my trust was broken again, and that I was having a hard time rebuilding it. This went on for a few weeks and we have now decided to pull the plug as it’s just causing us both total misery.

I want him to be happy and I want our daughter to be happy, and I think we will be better parents apart.

I guess I am just looking for reassurance that I can be okay as a single mother, and for advice on how to cope on the days when he has our baby as I can’t bear the thought of being separated from her. I am also pregnant with our second baby and suffering with sickness and fatigue, I am finding it really hard to carry on.

OP posts:

arcof · 15/09/2020 03:32

Get some therapy for yourself if you can. I don't think your partner has really done anything wrong that would warrant ending the relationship. If he's prepared to give you another chance when/if or while you do the work on yourself then I hope that's something you'll consider.

For small babies, don't enter in to any kind of week on week off arrangement, little and often is ideal so you shouldn't be without your baby for days at a time.

Does your partner know of the previous trauma/rape?

Sunflower1970 · 18/09/2020 07:48

You seem to be fixated on being cheated on and given your horrendous past experiences, some of it is understandable. It seems to me you have a decent guy her who loves you . Why are you splitting ? This problem is just going to continue in your next relationship if you don’t deal with it now. Please seek help as from an outsider this relationship seems worth saving xx

VickySunshine · 18/09/2020 07:58

You sound overly needy and hard work. He was in abusive relationship and sort advice. That fact that you told not to tell anybody about how you were treating him is telling. You need to seek help.

Keepingthingsinteresting · 18/09/2020 08:14

I think you did the right thing, the relationship was toxic. You will be ok, but please consider getting some therapy- some really heavy stuff has happened to you, I doubt anyone could deal with that alone and it will continue to ruin your life if you let it.

BewilderedDoughnut · 18/09/2020 08:36

Being in a relationship with someone like you can cause serious, life long, emotional harm. It must be nothing short of exhausting. You also sound very controlling. It’s sad you’ve had a difficult time in the past but that’s no excuse and it is now your responsibility to heal any issues that came about as a result.

If you can’t leave the baggage of the previous relationship at the door, you have no business getting into one.

Work on yourself, extensively. Therapy can take years! It’s a big commitment but fully necessary if you’re not going to push your issues onto others.

Original poster

Gemitf · 18/09/2020 09:10

So I should just believe that he didn’t have an intention to flirt or cheat? I find that hard given that so many people on this forum, contributing to threads involving a partner messaging an ex and deleting the evidence, express the view that such a situation is very dodgy and the partner must have been looking to cheat.

OP posts:

Lilacpheonix · 18/09/2020 09:23

It sounds like you have been through a lot of deep trauma which has really affected you. I would recommend more therapy to work through it. So sorry to see the horrendous things you have gone through.

However, He didn't actually do anything wrong...you cannot punish someone for what you believe their intention was.

By no means stay with him if you don't want to, that's your choice of course. It sounds like it was a very difficult time for the both of you and he reached out to someone he thought could help.

Char2020 · 18/09/2020 09:28

But the fact is OP he didn’t flirt or cheat. He clearly has nothing to hide from you if he showed you the screen shots. I’m sorry you’ve been through such a hard time and what happened to you is awful but it isn’t your partners fault and is no excuse to treat him the way you have, people can only put up with that behavior for so long before it negatively impacts them. You will come to the realisation that you have probably lost something good with this man and will regret your actions. It sounds like being with you would be incredibly difficult and is likely to be the same for any future relationships if you don’t get some serious help

Char2020 · 18/09/2020 09:30

I also think you should report the rape, nobody should be allowed to get away with that

Rigamorph · 18/09/2020 09:38

You have had a truly awful time, OP, but the first word of your title says it all.
You want reassurance that your actions are justified but deep down you know this is down to your own doing. You are the only one who can fix this.
It sounds as if 6 sessions of CBT is nowhere near enough to get over your past trauma. Sign up for more sessions of therapy by yourself, then possibly couples counselling.
In a healthy relationship a man can seek practical advice from a former lover without it being cause for ending his current relationship.
I hope you can reach that point soon

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 18/09/2020 09:42

Sorry you’re getting such harsh replies OP. It sounds like you’ve had an awful few years and it’s totally understandable that you’re struggling.

Many women would also be suspicious of deleted messages, but I guess the difference is that he’s been able to show you them since that point and there’s nothing dodgy in there, just - as you acknowledge - a fear of you discovering that he’d discussed your issues with someone outside the relationship when you’d asked him not to (which is unreasonable btw).

I can certainly thing of better people to talk about relationship issues with than a former FWB, regardless of their apparent suitability to answer, so it was a bad call on his part. But it sounds like he was clutching at straws at that point and you both need to strike from the record your behaviour around that time to have any chance of a future together.

Of course you’ll be fine a single mum, many of us thrived once we were out of a shitty marriage, but it sounds like your problems will just follow you into any future relationships too, so you do need to work on that. Keep on with the ADs if they’re helping, and maybe do some self-help stuff as well as counselling for some cost-effective treatment. I’m sure some wise MNers can recommend a few good books to help you come to terms with the massive betrayals you’ve suffered at the hands of your ex and ex-friend.

PolytheneHam · 18/09/2020 09:47

Did you post about this a few weeks ago?

maisythehorse · 18/09/2020 09:49

Sorry to hear your past and I hope you can put it behind you. With your current partner, talking to ex, I can see how that is hurtful but it wasn't anything ongoing and he didn't reply after her? I guess he knew it would be wrong and didn't carry on, these messages were going back to 2018 and were sporadic. I think with nearly two young children here and no actual affair it would be wise to try and make it work but ultimately it's your happiness but being completely alone with two young children would also be very hard something you may regret over something small in the scheme of things.

notacooldad · 18/09/2020 09:58

I destroyed our relationship
Yes you did.
If it was a man doing this to a woman she would have been told to run the hills.
You have had a traumatic time and maybe getting into a relationship and having child before you had healed yourself wasn't the best idea.
I do think therapy may help.
Not every guy cheats or flirts but you seem to think they do.
You've said about people posting on mn about their fellas messaging and deleting but the numbers are miniscule compared to the population. People dont come on to say that their partner hasn't cheated.

lojoko · 18/09/2020 10:07

So sorry you have been struggling so much. It's a lot to deal with. It's huge. You're fighting a big battle here.

I don't think that MN is always the best guide to relationships because it's a very skewed sample. There's some great advice on here, and I'm sure you'll get some really helpful answers, but no, it's NOT always cheating. It's not always the worst thing you can think of. Plenty of men are honest. Plenty of people are decent and kind and good. If you can't believe that, you are not ready to have a relationship with anyone as you are already thinking of them as the enemy. You can't love your enemy. (Unless you're literally Jesus!)

So in a strange way, though I would never ever have advised you end your marriage over your unrelated psychological trauma, I can see why you've done it. You need to heal this rift with the world and learn to trust again. That's not easy. That's HUGE, in fact. It might involve reporting your rapist; it might not (and that's okay). But it will definitely involve untangling what has happened to you in the past from what is happening to you now, so you can relate to the people in your life as they actually are, not as avatars of your past tormentors.

Take it from one who has been there: until you can do this, you will be stuck in that horror and it will be lonely.

But you can be okay as a single mother! You can. Many women do this. If that's what you need and want. Good luck. We're all rooting for you. x

12309845653ghydrvj · 18/09/2020 10:20

OP: I believe you posted about this a few weeks back? The details were very similar, it was a woman admitting to being abusive in her accusations to her partner, who had then found this deleted message, and used it as an excuse to cycle back in to the abuse again. The thread got deleted after dozens or hundreds of comments saying the OP was being abusive towards him and was using anything as an excuse.

12309845653ghydrvj · 18/09/2020 10:20

Was this you? If so, I responded to you before and I stand by what I said then.

Original poster

Gemitf · 18/09/2020 11:06

@12309845653ghydrvj

No, that wasn’t me

OP posts:

Original poster

Gemitf · 18/09/2020 11:11

@MarkRuffaloCrumble

Sorry you’re getting such harsh replies OP. It sounds like you’ve had an awful few years and it’s totally understandable that you’re struggling.

The thing is that I had pleaded with him not to tell any of his friends or family, for fear that it would inevitably lead to the end of our relationship as they would intervene. He says that his logic was that this person was dispensable/disposable, someone he could get advice from, and then cease communication without leaving me with a ‘black mark’ against my name (as would be the case with any of his actual friends or family).

OP posts:

Aminuts23 · 18/09/2020 17:57

OP you have so much trauma in your past you need to deal with that and get emotionally healthy before you can be in a healthy relationship.
I empathise with how you feel about his message but objectively he’s done nothing wrong. Don’t you ever see that an old friend is online and sometimes just fancy seeing how they are, having a chat and a catch up? Particularly if you’re feeling lonely or fed up. I’m fact reaching out to have conversation is a good thing to do if you’re feeling blue.
Maybe give each other some space and concentrate on your therapy. There might be a future for you if you want it.

PaterPower · 18/09/2020 23:48

You clearly realised two years ago that your behaviour was unreasonable / abusive, or you wouldn’t have felt ashamed at his family or friends finding out.

You cut off his normal avenues of support, which is abusive in itself, and now you’ve reverted to your old pattern because he managed to find a “non-embarrassing” outlet at the time?

I sympathise with you for all the trauma you’ve faced, but if you reversed this then 99% of commentators would be screaming about the obvious red flags and advising your DP to run for the hills. And it might be the right thing, for you both, that you two split up, but his messaging an ex under the circumstances is not the real root cause for that and you should stop trying to push the blame onto him.

CodenameVillanelle · 18/09/2020 23:53

You posted about this a few weeks ago. You have had lots of responses already.

HawthornLantern · 18/09/2020 23:59

@Gemitf

The examples you are talking about are when the relationship between the partners appears to be healthy and happy. The examples do not refer to occasions when one partner is attempting to cut the other partner off from any outside form of support from other people.

In your situation you isolated your partner and put him under enormous emotional pressure. How he acted in this set of circumstances cannot be compared with examples of when a partner in a relationship where both partners appear to be content and happy decides to engage in secretive communication.

I think you need support and I hope you seek it out and can co-parent amicably.

user1481840227 · 19/09/2020 00:02

@Gemitf

I personally don't think he had an intention to flirt or cheat....and if he did have that intention it was probably because he was in a vulnerable state and wanted to seek out some comfort.

You have said that you both agreed to end the relationship...so does it really matter what his intentions were at the end of the day?

Is he a good man? It sounds like he is? If that's the case and you're just moving forward as co-parents then focus on that and how a series of events meant the relationship ended but that you don't need to play the blame game. It doesn't really matter who did what. What matters is that you focus on healing from all of the traumatic things that happened to you.

SandyY2K · 19/09/2020 00:23

basically he had messaged her in 2018, during the terrible breakdown of our relationship and at the height of my emotional abuse,

His explanation was that he was desperate at the time, as I was emotionally abusing him, and had asked him not to share our problems with any of his friends or family as I couldn’t bear the shame

Based on this alone, even if he had flirted with her and I don't think he did, I would be so ashamed and sorry for what I put him through and would have let it go.

Every abuser has something in their history that can be used as rationale or justification, but that's not acceptable from anyone, regardless of their gender.

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