Can’t share fears with partner

[teapotson]

I feel my relationship is lacking connection and vulnerability. I can never share my fears with him I’m always told to “stop being negative” or “stop worrying” and I feel these things are said to just shut the conversation down. It’s the same with any type of emotional sharing really, anything that involves emotion or feeling (good or bad) doesn’t go very deep. I’ve stopped sharing emotionally with him now as I just don’t see the point anymore so everyday it’s just small talk and pleasantries. I don’t think he’s ever opened up to me emotionally it’s a very strange dynamic. I feel lonely yet I’m not actually alone.

This sounds like a very unpleasant and joyless way to live. How long have you been together?
Weigh up the pros and cons of being with him and decide if you want to stay in this relationship. A man like this may be incapable of changing.

Doesn’t sound like you are getting what you need from this relationship. If I were in your shoes, I would have a heart to heart with your partner to see if he is open to being more receptive of your emotional needs - and if he says he is, that he follows through. I have been with someone who is emotionally distant and it wasn’t for me. Now with someone who can easily talk about emotions (19yrs+) and so much happier. We are all different and you need to ensure he’s right for you - or find someone who is.

You’re incompatible on a fundamental level, waiting for him to be different isn’t a pleasant experience for both of you.

My ex was similar. It was just how it was but when I needed him he could not step up and that was it for me.
Any dc involved?
I find ex can't communicate with our dc very well either and it's draining being the one managing all their fears, emotions etc on my own.

Thank you for the replies it means a lot.
We’ve together for 3 years and have a young DC who’s almost 9 months old. I had a very traumatic birth and couldn’t even share how I felt with him after, luckily I have supportive friends and family but it feels like I have to keep everything very surface level with him.

He’s great in practical ways but there is just little to no emotional intimacy. I suppose that why I’ve stayed for this long.

@Livandme This is my worry. He’s great at the moment as our DC isn’t talking so I really worry how DC is going feel growing up and I know the emotional side is going to all fall on me.

I can’t change him, it’s the family he was raised in. When we’ve had a conversation about it he will try for a few days (although it feels forced) then just fall back into normal patterns.

Mmm I hate to say this but if he doesn’t have time to listen to you then it’s like he’s checked out! Rather than accusing you of being negative he should be supportive and listen, I get that as human beings we have off days and it doesn’t always turn out like that however being supportive and sympathetic or empathetic is a huge thing in a relationship.

My ex and I divorced and one of the reasons was because we stopped being empathetic towards one another and grew apart. It got to a point I didn’t want him around me and vice versus.

It sounds like you are mismatched in this area. Would couples therapy help him to do things which help you feel more connected?

Some men are like this. I think underneath some feel it makes them vulnerable to be open about emotions, either theirs or yours and they don't want to be vulnerable. Others are just shallow as a puddle and there really isn't any emotional depth to discover. Either way it's unlikely to change. Most likely you will have to lump it or leave.

There are some good brene brown videos about empathy on YouTube that might help open up conversations between you about it. I think it’s hard for many men to do this - they are taught as boys not to feel anything and then partners want to talk about emotions all the time. I’m exaggerating but you know what I mean.

I couldn't cope with that. A partner is there to hold your hand, talk things through with and connect with. He sounds like a rude housemate