How to deal with communication/ex

[Silvermockingbird]

Just posting for some advice, I realise that I probably come across totally spineless, but I’m trying to change, just need some different perspectives on how to best move forward.

Basically I split up with ex nearly 2 years ago now. We have 2 children. He is a very hostile person, no respect for anyone. Contact with the children is always sporadic, and for some reason I’m always to blame (probably blaming me through shame/embarrassment) as I have always been totally reasonable with him in regards to contact.

The problem is the way he speaks to me. We could be friendly/civilised for a few weeks then one day he will speak to me in the most awful way out the blue. He shouts, screams and threatens me down the phone calling me disgusting names. He can literally go for over half an hour of just him screaming with no break, it sounds like some sort of demonic entity. I hang up and he will call and call sending vicious texts until I answer again. He usually screams himself out and ends up apologising after, the same routine time and time again. I don’t argue back because it makes everything worse, I usually just end up in tears and feeling like total shit for the majority of that particular day. I know it’s just words but the way he screams and the hatred in it terrifies me. I know I’m stupid for answering again, but that’s the quickest way it’s over, or else it will drag into the next day.

I know I should cut contact between me and him, but I don’t know how without making it worse. I feel as though he will make my life a living hell if I don’t comply with his ways of contact. My relatives refuse to sort contact out through them because of their own feelings towards him, which is totally understandable. Even after leaving the relationship I feel totally trapped 2 years on, as though a big part of my life is still governed by his moods.

Report it to 101 and make sure you state to them that he is making you feel scared. Id look in to a non molestation order, and a family solicitor to arrange structured contact through a court order.

I know the feeling, I tried to be civil with my ex for three years but he was impossible, now I have everything in a court order and he can only communicate with me via text message with regards to contact, it's much better.

You don't owe him anything and do not have to listen to his shit!

First of all, I would limit any conversation to arrangements re the children. I would also arrange for all communication to be via email. You can arrange for this to be filed in a particular folder so that you can read it when you want to / feel able to. Don’t engage with him on the phone or by text. I would say block him but there may be the occasion when you need that channel open to sort something with the D.C. But you can choose when and whether to engage with him.

The minute he starts his act, tell him calmly you are not putting up with it, and that he can contact you vie email or whatever on another day when he has calmed down. Then put the phone down. Don’t answer his calls. If he can’t get hold of you, then the potential for him upsetting you will be much diminished.

And any communication is only to be in relation to your dc. Nothing else.

Thank you for the replies, I’ll have a read up about the non-molestation order, and good idea about the emails in separate folder. We usually only speak when it’s arranging contact or about one of the DC hospital appointments, but they ask to ring him to say goodnight every night. It’s usually a 5min conversation. Is this usually what other separated families do? I thought that most parents did this but I’m thinking now that I’m wrong, as it’s just another chance for him to gain contact via me.

I’ve also decided before I do anything I’m going to record one of the phone calls, just so I have something in regards to evidence if I need it, otherwise it’s just his word against mine I guess.