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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I need a straight talking mumsnet crew to tell me what to do here - OLD ratio of messages to meet ups!

20 replies

TheSparkling · 14/09/2020 22:25

I have been OLD all of this year. Nothing amazing met some nice blokes met some idiots too.

Since the start of July I have been seeing a lovely man but over the last 4 weeks I have seen him once! The first 6 weeks we saw each twice a week but I had a week away and he did and then recently it has dropped to practically zilch. The thing is, it all seems like practical reasons. He has a teen I have a few.

I guess I just feel frustrated that he hasn't asked to see me and when I asked if he was free I got a no. I later found out that although he told me he was with his daughter all weekend it turned out he was out for an entire day with his friends and doing his hobby. Then another weekend was a DIY project.

He has always been a bit lacking on the messaging side of things. He does message every day but often there is hours between when I reply or I get very little back. In person he isn't like this, chatty and easy to be with.

I just feel like it is not enough for me. But I am unsure if it is my insecurities telling me this. He never tells me he misses me or wants to see me, but has demonstrated this when we meet

Anyway I don't know whether to wait and see or say something now. If so what do I say because he seems like a nice guy and is not into playing games as far as I can work out.

I need advice please!

OP posts:

Dollyrocket · 14/09/2020 22:27

Sorry OP it does sound like he’s just not that into you / relationship

Justcallmebebes · 14/09/2020 22:35

Unfortunately, he's just not that into you. Throw yourself back in and find someone who wants to spend time with you. If a man wants to see you, he will make time

boredboredboredboredbored · 14/09/2020 22:37

Nah get rid! Sadly I agree he's just not that into you / having a relationship. You deserve more! I met dh on POF and after the first date we couldn't wait to meet up.

Unsure33 · 14/09/2020 23:25

Crikey he messages every day ? I think you sound a bit needy .strange I feel the opposite of other posters .perhaps he is relaxed about your relationship..

Palavah · 14/09/2020 23:36

He mesaages you every day but isnt su suggestign meeting up/isn't responsive when you suggest it? Id probably try again jokily 'are we meeting up again or what?'

Plus I'd also get back on whatever app or site you're using and get some other dates lined up.

HappyDays10101 · 14/09/2020 23:36

You’d expect someone to be giving off keen vibes at this stage of a relationship. It sounds like, though perfectly pleasant, he isn’t the right guy for you.

fuandylp · 14/09/2020 23:44

I just feel like it is not enough for me. But I am unsure if it is my insecurities telling me this. He never tells me he misses me or wants to see me, but has demonstrated this when we meet
He's just not into you - or not as into you as you are in to him.
He messages every day but doesn't seem to have enough time for you and you've only seen him once in the last 4 weeks.

If you feel it isn't enough for you, then end it and find someone else who has more time for you/wants to spend more time with you.

If you are feeling insecure at this point then it is not going to be a good relationship for you.

DrDetriment · 14/09/2020 23:47

He doesn't sound that interested I'm afraid.

Dontletitbeyou · 15/09/2020 00:35

If someone really likes you , and wants to see you , they will find a way . That simple really . They will do what needs to be done to meet up with you again .
Sorry op , doesn’t sound like he’s interested. I’d get back n the game , so to speak .

pinkcheesecake · 15/09/2020 00:44

Unfortunately he isn't that into you. Cut him loose before you get too involved. If I'm interested in someone, I would go above and beyond to see that person especially at a time where communication and transportation is so much easier, so if this person isn't, then he isn't that into you. Please don't waste your time, I've been there and wish I noticed the red flags 🚩 what a waste of a year it was for me.

Original poster

TheSparkling · 15/09/2020 13:51

Thanks for all the replies. They all really say what I was feeling, that is he is just not that interested in me although he is nice enough.

@Unsure33 - I don't know whether it is needy to message every day. That is something that he started. I'm ok with less messaging but more dates IYSWIM?
I think the issue is more there is little of either but I do understand what you are saying.

I'm fairly new to Old, having been married for 18 years and then widowed a couple of years ago.

The update is he has asked to see me this weekend but I can't meet the one day he has suggested so I think we won't see each other for another week now.
I am feeling like I should call it a day with him.

OP posts:

FallingIguanas · 15/09/2020 14:02

From your OP & update, why do you feel he should he make himself free around to fit around you, but not vice versa?

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 15/09/2020 14:08

If you enjoy his company can you treat it as a bit more of a casual thing rather than ending it (unless it's really causing you angst).

If he's asked to meet up this weekend and you can't why not just say you've got plans and ask if he can suggest an alternative. Just like you would if it was a friend suggesting coffee on a date you weren't free.

Palavah · 15/09/2020 14:19

The update is he has asked to see me this weekend but I can't meet the one day he has suggested so I think we won't see each other for another week now.

This makes no sense. Why dont you look for a date you can both do?

Florencex · 15/09/2020 14:31

It sounds like this is not going to work for either of you.

edwinbear · 15/09/2020 17:14

It sounds as if he does like you, but only when he has absolutely nothing better to do. So if he's at a loose end, he enjoys spending time with you but you're not a priority to him. If you're happy to keep things casual, then there's no reason you can't meet up on the odd occasion when you're both free, but it doesn't sound like it's going to develop into anything serious.

Original poster

TheSparkling · 15/09/2020 17:27

I did ask for an alternative but his reply was non committal.

@FallingIguanas - I have pretty much made myself available for every previous date he suggested which is why I feel a little put out but I do take your point.

Perhaps I just need to take a step back and see how things go. I'm just really unsure as to how these things go. Like I said earlier it's been a while.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 15/09/2020 17:30

He's pretty half-hearted, isn't he? You need someone who actively wants to see you and makes sure that happens, rather than someone who has that kind of attitude.

FallingIguanas · 15/09/2020 17:39

If he was non committal, there's your answer. Time to move on and put this one down to experience. I wish you well.

anotherdisaster · 15/09/2020 20:18

It shouldn't be this hard. If he really really wanted to see you he would make it work. It sounds half arsed to me. A new relationship should make you feel good and this isn't. I'd call it a day.

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