I need to ask- is this what I think it might be

[user1485380732]

Essay ahead sorry ... Ive briefly changed my username as Im embarassed to admit that I think my marriage is failing. We've split before then reconciled - been back together 20 yrs - & have adult kids. Ive talked b4 about our rec & (how I have thought) that life is pretty good. Im not in the UK so this might have some bearing too, but several yrs ago I was in a really bad job I left it & now work in a supermarket; I enjoy meeting loads of people & its a good team, hard work too - more than when I was in an office. DH agreed with all of this, no point staying in a bad job, supported my career change. But I earn significantly less than him now & I only work a few days a week (trying to increase these hours, but have carpal tunnel & bosses not too nice/fussed to change the current rosters).
Anyway, DH has over the past few months (Covid, work stresses - he is still working fulltime plus has a pension too, so has a much healthier income than me) has got really (really) pedantic & picky over stupid things - like the water level in the kettle, the space that windows are left open, papers on the sofa etc. So low level arguments about stuff. He wants me too to split every bill so we pay half - which I cannot afford - &/or dip into my savings which will leave me with nothing & his savings intact. Anyway -
Not sure what prompted this exactly but over the past 4 or 5 days he has just stopped talking, very little engagement with anything I say, doesnt care whats for dinner, often calls in to the local pub for beers 4 or 5 times a week, so is then asleep straight after dinner. No sex life at all - I moved rooms before Xmas because of sore hands & his snoring & a few mths ago he joked that I had made my choice & wasnt allowed to move back with him. And he was def joking then, funny & in a good mood.
I am anxious (low level, constant about lots of things all the time) but this has me really worried. I feel too old to start again - mid 60s, husband 70) but his pettiness & refusal to talk isnt any way for us to continue either. Im not sure what I want from this, maybe just needed to say it all out & see it in black & white. Has anyone else split from their partner after a long time like this, we've been married 35 yrs all up (just a few yrs apart). Thanks.

Hi sorry no advice but didn’t want to read and run! Hopefully someone will be along with some advice soon

Perhaps he feels he’s getting too old to be working quite so hard / feels resentful?

Is there any plan(s) to retire?

I'm wondering if he feels you've checked out of the marriage when you moved out of the bedroom. I think your reasons are totally justifiable, but he may see it as a massive rejection. You say he joked about it, but I think he wasn't really joking.

Agree with the previous poster about when you moved out of the room. Doesn’t sound like his communication is great, but he might have been quite hurt by it?

Usually MN disapproves of stonewalling (refusal to talk or engage). Perhaps they think it's different if you're mid 60s with a 70 year old husband?

They usually call out financial abuse as well - he's unfairly insisting you split all bills 50/50.

These things are unacceptable at any age, and him being upset at you moving bedrooms does not justify these behaviours.

His behaviour is abusive. Call it what it is. He may have reasons for the escalation but there is no excuse for abuse. I'm sorry he's treating you like this

You can't help needing more space to sleep due to a health condition, so him guilt-tripping you over it is unreasonable.

Do you think there is a possibility that he isn’t well? He is very controlling. It is hard for you to walk around on eggshells.

The financial issue is serious. Do you have a joint account? Access to savings?

thanks for these comments - food for thought. And I acknowledge too theirs always the other side of a story so maybe he is p'eed off with me for something I have blithely said or done.

Hes talked for a long time of retiring & has recently said April 2022 (goodness knows why then). He has 2 part time jobs that vary in their hours (farm work related) so at certain times of the year he is very busy. One of these jobs too has some changes happening to the business so I think one of your comments of him being stressed is on the mark. He has been depressed before & prescribed AD's which worked super well - but hes never been keen on medication long term + will avoid the Dr unless hes falling down sick.

And Ive read enough MN to read of the stonewalling tactics & yes I agree it borders on bullying/abusive behaviour. Most obvious to me when Ive been trying to get a convo going & Im pretty much ignored, then the phone rings & hes Mr Charming personified.

He isnt home yet from work, so I'll have another go tonight to "break the ice" & see where that gets me :)
Thanks too for all your comments.

sorry meant to say, we have our own bank accounts but 1 joint account for housefold expenses. I have some savings so am OK if push comes to shove - but proportionately much less as I usually pick up the odd grocery items, or clear the Drs/prescription account etc etc, so my (tiny) wage is often gone & spent before the pay day is over. DH doesnt do internet banking so uses an ATM for cash for his own discretionary spending (he never does the shopping) on fuel; hotel etc & then the rest of his wages are saved

GP expenses are needs and are household iexpenses. Grabbing extra items using your already small funds is madness when your partner is controlling finances. If there isn’t enough in the joint account to cover these, the amount being paid in needs to be increased proportionately.

Personal accounts are for wants not needs generally.

do you think he's having an affair ?

I meant to post this before. How are things, user? Do you need some support?

Has anyone else split from their partner after a long time like this
Yes and I'm happier than I've been for many years. My ex was abusive, I didn't realise quite how much until we were actually apart but some of the things I could recognise were similar to what you have described. Life and soul of the party outside the home but a very different kettle of fish when we were alone.

Did you get anywhere with trying to break the ice again? I hope you're okay.

I'm sorry to have been away this long - here lurking with other usernames - but away & pretending that things at home here are ok.

But one of you said that its like walking on eggshells. Im tired of it all now. And its clicked with me that his MO (spy talk for modus operandi 😂) is to behave like this until I cave in & say I've had enough (to leave) then it is all my doing, my fault, etc etc.

Every night this week he has been at the pub after work so he is snoring, mouth wide open, on the sofa before 6.30pm. Drinking this much isnt like him, occasional but not every night.
We have family visiting this weekend too so I've been busy cooking & tidying all round here so I can enjoy some time off while they're here - but hes refused to chip in & help. Our dinner dishes are still on the bench now as he can't be arsed to dry them, why should he?? Which if this was one of our kids would sound so darned petty & silly.

He doesnt often swear - unless hes really upset about work stuff, but in the description of a situation iykwim - but lately he swears A LOT - in general conversation so am thinking he is pretty angry under the surface.

But, thanks very much for your concerns & kind words & my apologies for this slow response. I know what I have to do (LTB 🥴) so now I just have to find my inner strength to do it.

But just might bide my time for now & plan a bit. Thanks ladies.

He’s 70 and there’s a lot of behaviour here that’s out of the ordinary? Are you sure he isn’t ill?

Sending my support OP, sorry you're dealing with this