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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Out of the game - how to play this?

35 replies

cass65 · 14/09/2020 17:50

Hi everyone,

I have a friend who is part of my friendship group from university. We all graduated a few years ago and we are within a mixed group of friends who meet up every couple of months, and a couple of quizzes during lockdown. One of the guys in the group I felt I had chemistry with when I met him at university 2/3 years ago - we clicked instantly, we would tease each other and we had the sort of friendship where people would joke about us being a couple etc. I was in a relationship at the time, didn't act on anything and put it down to a little crush, which I ignored and we carried on being good friends and doing group things.

2 years pass... 5 months ago, my other relationship ended and I've took some time to heal and enjoy my own company. I've seen my university friends a couple of times recently and have started to have thoughts about the same guy. He's really lovely and we always get on really well when we meet up, I also find him really attractive. 6 of our group met up yesterday and we had a really nice time, us 2 were chatting a fair bit and he was really making me laugh. All completely innocent but really nice.

I am so out of the game here (it's been ages since I've been single!) and i have no idea how to try and take things a bit further. We probably won't meet up as a group for a couple of months now. The problem is, we don't exactly message much one-to-one, probably once or twice a month, so if I start texting quite a lot and striking conversation then I worry it'll look a bit weird and he will get annoyed especially if he doesn't feel the same. Plus annoyingly he's a blunt texter compared to real life, where he's so much chattier and friendlier. We've never met up just us two either so i feel it'd be weird if I asked. But we get on super well in the group setting. For all I know, he might see me as a best friend but I will never know unless I try right?
But how do I play this? I really don't want to come on strongly.

I know it sounds silly but any ideas of advice would be appreciated ☺️ TIA

OP posts:
Mixedandproud · 14/09/2020 17:57

Maybe brave it and send him a message saying how much you enjoyed chatting to him and you are looking forward to seeing him again. Then see how he responds and leave it to him. If you don’t say anything he may be sat at home thinking the same things as you and nothing will happen!

Plussizejumpsuit · 14/09/2020 18:02

Are there any other members of the group who you could chat to to guage how he might feel? Who you're closer to or who he is closer to perhaps? I understand you don't want to make things awkward. But also think it's important to take chances! So how bad would it actually be to just text and suggest a one on one drink?

cass65 · 14/09/2020 18:36

Good plan, I just sent something along the lines of 'it was so nice to see you, can't wait for when we all meet up next'. Patiently awaiting the reply 😬

Ooh yes I could bring it up to friends but scared to make it super awkward! I have a feeling I may be firmly in the friend zone and am terrified for rejection hahahaha.

OP posts:
Mixedandproud · 14/09/2020 19:03

Good for you! Keep us posted! I have my fingers crossed for you.

cass65 · 14/09/2020 19:17

Thanks! He literally just said 'yeah was really good' so I have no idea where to go with this hahaha

OP posts:
LilyWater · 14/09/2020 19:23

Leave it a couple of days then Maybe just invite him to something he'd be interested in. E.g.i have a spare ticket for X, would you like to come along?

Obviously an invite as friends but will give you a chance to gauge how you're both like 1 on 1.

Nuffaluff · 14/09/2020 19:23

So now, maybe try ‘so, what have you been up to? Did you have a good weekend?’

ChiaraRimini · 14/09/2020 19:33

OP this type of guy (blunt texter) is not going to "get" subtlety IMHO.
I would send him a text to say
"Would you like to hang out/go for a coffee sometime , just the two of us? Let me know when would be good for you"
You need to ask him a direct question.

Frownette · 14/09/2020 19:37

It seems like you really need to meet on your own to be able to evaluate if it has legs.

I mean you could text back and say let's go for a walk just us two and get tea/coffee daytime.

You don't know yourself yet if he's a distraction for you or something more.

cass65 · 14/09/2020 19:43

I'm just so worried to ask him to meet up on our own, cos in our 3 years of friendship I've never asked that/we have never met up on our own, I don't wanna freak him out and I'm scared to get rejected

OP posts:
FanSpamTastic · 14/09/2020 21:22

Ring him up and talk to him - don't do this via texts that can be misinterpreted.

Start a conversation and see where it leads to? If it is going ok then just come out and say - don't want to make things awkward, but when I saw you last I realised I have feelings for you, if you are interested then let's meet up and see where it goes? If he says sorry but no - then at least you have a while to get over it before you allmeet up as a group again! If he says yes - then the two of you have time to see if you want to take things further before the group all meet up again.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained! But you may come to regret it if you never say anything.

cass65 · 27/09/2020 14:55

Hey guys!
Just an update that I chickened out and I'm thinking of asking again 😂😂
He's a really slow and really blunt texter so it's quite annoying. He doesn't start convo just sort of replies really basically. But in person he's so different. Again my worry is we've never met up 1-to-1 so if I ask he might be weirded out! No idea how to even ask lol

OP posts:
widespreadpanic · 27/09/2020 15:41

You might be waiting forever for him to ask you out so just ask him if he’d like to get a coffee/drink or something.

It’s scary but if he’s not interested then at least you will know and can move on. :)

cass65 · 27/09/2020 18:25

I'm scared!!! 😂
He's such a dry texter and I'm trying to stimulate conversation first and it's bloody difficult!!!! And I don't feel comfortable ringing him or whatever.. he also lives about an hour away so can't just ask for a casual coffee. Ahhhh I have no idea how to play this

OP posts:
FastAndCurious · 27/09/2020 19:47

Honestly, you should just text asking if he fancies meeting up for a drink sometime just the two of you.

He will either say no, you can lick your wounds and not have to see him for a few months, or he says yes and you can organise a lovely date together.

If you do it now you’ll have your answer within an hour, be brave! All the agonising isn’t worth it x

category12 · 27/09/2020 20:12

Just text him "Hey, do you fancy a drink just us sometime?"

The worst that can happen is he ignores it or says no. Painful, and a bit awkward when you next see him, but you won't die from it.

Horsemad · 27/09/2020 21:52

Can you fib that you need to visit where he lives for an appointment and would he like to meet up for a coffee/meal afterwards? 🤔

cass65 · 29/09/2020 17:13

I bit the bullet and messaged asking if he fancies a few pints this weekend 😬!
Been waiting for a reply since 1 so we will see how it goes...

OP posts:
cass65 · 29/09/2020 17:27

he said he is busy. can't lie it's made me feel a bit shit 😂

OP posts:
HaggisBurger · 29/09/2020 17:33

Well done you though!!! So much better to have tried than done nothing at all. You sound lovely & it’s his loss (not to be patronising) 😊

category12 · 29/09/2020 17:37

At least you tried! Brave! Star

Did he leave it open like maybe some other time, or did it feel like he closed you down?

cass65 · 29/09/2020 17:44

Thanks guys!

He literally just said 'i can't do this weekend, sorry' so yeah didn't really leave it open. No idea what to say now because asking when he is free would just annoy him, right?

OP posts:
category12 · 29/09/2020 17:49

I'd probably go with a breezy "Not to worry, have a good weekend" and leave it to him to come back with a counter-offer if he's going to, rather than asking if he's free. (That's possibly cowardly, but what I'd do Grin). Sorry.

category12 · 29/09/2020 17:49

when not if

RachelHRD · 29/09/2020 17:52

I would reply with, 'no problem, let me know if you fancy doing it another time'. Leaves the ball in his court but doesn't sound too needy!