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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Trying to forgive partner- Please Help

18 replies

girlinneed101 · 14/09/2020 11:43

Hi there. I’m looking for a bit of advice. My partner and I had a long distance relationship for over a year, I then moved in with him 3 years ago. I recently found out that before I moved in, he had an emotional affair (I think) with his ex. Nothing physical but lots of chatting, messaging and meeting up, all which he kept secret. At the time I was feeling quite insecure about this ex as she was deliberately trying to cause issues in my life, even though I had never even met her.

Just before I moved in, there was a bit of a blow up with her sending me messages saying he was cheating on me. We both blocked her on everything and I never thought anything more of it, as she was known to be a liar. Until now, when I find out there was more to it then there seems.

I know since we’ve lived together he’s had no contact with her (as we both blocked her) and we have genuinely been happy.

My issue is now that I’ve found this out, I’m struggling to forgive, though I know I need to if I’m to be happy. I don’t question his feelings for me now, he has shown me every day since I moved in how much he loves me, and since he told me this, he has been more than willing to show his remorse and regret and work for my forgiveness. But I’m still finding it hard. I question how he felt for me then, and feel that our memories of those times are completely ruined and I wonder how he kept it from me for so long. I feel like I must have done something wrong to deserve to be lied to for so long, and I also feel like a fool because a few of his friends knew and all the while I’m thinking we’re in a really strong relationship.

My final issue is that she was in our house, again, something he kept from me. Even though I only moved in 3 years ago, it was always the plan to move here, this was always going to be our home and we picked it out together. Now it feels tainted with his lies, and like it was never my home in the first place. This probably seems dramatic as nothing physical happened, but it’s the lies that get to me.

Sorry for the rambling, but I’m really looking for some advice on how to get past this and forgive. As I said, he is being so loving and honest and it’s not a question of trust now, just that I was wrong to trust him then. It’s been a good few weeks since I found out and it’s all I have thought about since then; I really don’t want to live my life with resentment. Any help would be much appreciated.

Thanks 

OP posts:

username501 · 14/09/2020 11:48

It might be an idea to take a break and have a think about what you want. I know he wants you to forgive him and move on but you're really struggling. Space may help.

There is a website that you might find helpful, it's supportive and there's lots of useful advice. Surviving Infidelity.

Original poster

girlinneed101 · 14/09/2020 12:00

Thanks for the reply.

In normal times space would have been possible and what I would have done. ideally I would have gone back to my parents for a week or so for some head space but it's not possible at the moment with restrictions and I can't take time off work as we are very busy.

I also don't have anyone close by whom I'm close enough to stay with for a period of time. It's all happened at a bad time, and I doubt not been able to live a normal life is helping the situation.

OP posts:

SapatSea · 14/09/2020 12:02

I suppose in the early days of your relationship although they had split she still had some emotional hold on him. Did he feel guilty about the split and because she was maybe struggling with it? Some people like to be rescuers. Was she lonely, in danger of self harm etc? Were they trying to "be friends", some people have an urge to stay really good friends after a break up so that friendship groups will not be upset and to mask any emotional fallout. You maybe need to explore more about why they stayed in touch. If they didn't have a physical relationship then perhaps your P thought it was okay as you were long distance.

He seemed to sort it out in the end. I know it hurts but he is with you now. Sometimes break ups are messy and not linear.

MMmomDD · 14/09/2020 12:16

Your post to me reads very OTT and dramatic. Also - it isn’t clear if your relationship started 4 years ago as long distance and then evolved? How is it that you chose a house together when you just started dating long distance?

But - the point is - she is an ex. If he wanted to be with her - he would have been. And given her behaviour before you moved over - IF there was any evidence of actual cheating in those conversations - she would have sent it to you.
I am guessing she was a recent ex 4 years ago when you were long distance, and you felt insecure somehow. So he didn’t tell you he still talked to her. Not a crime, just sparing your feelings. Clearly he moved on and didn’t want to be with her. Possibly - he wanted to not create issues with her, or give her closure or let her down gently.

Many reasons why people can keep in touch after breakup. And it doesn’t need to be an issue. And in your case - it really isn’t.
Your relationship survived a year apart. And has been good for the last 3 years.

It’s strange that you are so focused on something so long ago, that wasn’t much of anything really, and can’t see what’s in front of you.
Are you generally a bit insecure and/or anxious in your attachments?

Original poster

girlinneed101 · 14/09/2020 12:29

@SapatSea

He seemed to sort it out in the end. I know it hurts but he is with you now. Sometimes break ups are messy and not linear.

Hi, thanks for the advice.

It was a messy break up from what I understand. Her leaving him for someone else. We then met 4 months after, and dated for a year before she got back in contact with him. She was apparently having a rough time in her relationship, though she is still with him, and now has a child with him. My parented does like to be the hero, but I suppose I just think why did he want to be her hero? And not mine? Why did helping her out equal lying to me?

He says he wanted to give her some dignity but in that he took mine away. So does that mean he chose her over me and I was second best?

He's my first proper relationship, I'm obviously not his. So perhaps I don't really understand how you feel towards an ex.

OP posts:

Lozzerbmc · 14/09/2020 12:39

I think if you are happy otherwise and trust him generally, you should let it go. Breakups are not straightforward they are messy! He may have genuinely been trying to support her- he is a nice guy after all?

Perhaps tell him how you feel and then put it behind you.

Original poster

girlinneed101 · 14/09/2020 12:40

@MMmomDD

Hi, sorry if I was unclear.

We dated for a few months before he moved back to his home city (where his ex lives) for work. I was still at uni as a mature student and still had some months left. So we chose the house together with the plan that I moved there when I finished uni, which I did. They broke up quite recently before we met, but we had been dating a year before they started contact again.

I too think I sound a bit dramatic and OTT, but it’s how I feel, which is why I’m seeking advice on how to get over it. I know it was long ago, but to me it wasn’t since I just found out, and it’s also a long time to have something kept from you too. But yes, I know it’s strange to focus on something from long ago, which again is why I’m asking for advice.

OP posts:

SoulofanAggron · 14/09/2020 12:51

I don't think you're being overdramatic at all. He cheated on you and you only recently found out about it. x

Original poster

girlinneed101 · 14/09/2020 13:14

@SoulofanAggron

I don't think you're being overdramatic at all. He cheated on you and you only recently found out about it. x

Thank you. I guess everyone set the line that shouldn't be crossed at different places and I do understand that I maybe am being dramatic. But I'm not purposely making myself feel like this and am trying to work on not feeling so insecure.

OP posts:

Hailtomyteeth · 14/09/2020 13:36

Well, I had an ex and I shagged him. Repeatedly. Old habits die hard. Wouldn't trust your dp, I'm afraid.

Dery · 14/09/2020 13:37

"I think if you are happy otherwise and trust him generally, you should let it go. Breakups are not straightforward they are messy! He may have genuinely been trying to support her- he is a nice guy after all?

Perhaps tell him how you feel and then put it behind you."

This.

Original poster

girlinneed101 · 15/09/2020 10:05

@Lozzerbmc @Dery

Thanks for the advice

I am trying to put it behind me, maybe lockdown just gave me too much time to overthink haha and now I'm in a bad habit.
Something to work on on my own.

OP posts:

Sunflower1970 · 17/09/2020 23:51

I have the opposite view. Your relationship has been based on a lie for a long time. At the end of the day he has cheated and disrespected you and made a fool of you behind your back. Sorry but that would be the end for me. It’s been great for the last three years because you didn’t know the truth. Sorry x

LilyWater · 18/09/2020 01:11

I wouldnt be able to get over the lies. It's completely natural and sensible not to trust a proven liar. Be careful what you accept now as it can come back to haunt you in the future. He's showing he's capable of deceit and may be part of his character. These types of men can go on to have affairs, lead double lives etc. All the more harder when you're several more years in, and they know you're further invested, with kids etc. Quite frankly I'd cut my losses now and move on from him. This is dangerous territory for the future.

LilyWater · 18/09/2020 01:16

You sound quite "soft" - often men like this choose women like you who they know will be easier to manipulate into accepting their bad behaviour and lies. Anything you accept now will embolden him to continue any bad behaviour behind your back in the future since you've accepted this awful deceit (they'll assume no matter what you say now, they will get you to forgive again even if you do find out, considering you've put up with this and the two of you arent even committed to each other at this point). Assuming no kids or marriage, I'd be getting the heck out of there OP!

user1481840227 · 18/09/2020 01:18

How are you being dramatic?

You'd been together for a year and then he had an emotional affair with his ex, chatting, messaging and meeting up. You felt insecure about it at the time for a very good reason and he allowed you to feel that way. She also messaged you at the time to say he'd been cheating on you...so are you sure that it wasn't physical? at the very least it must have been a very emotional 'emotional affair' if she felt the need to do that.

widespreadpanic · 19/09/2020 02:27

Too many lies. I could never move past them.

SandyY2K · 19/09/2020 07:55

How did she get your number to be sending messages to you?

Does she already know you?
Did he give her your number?
How would she have known your name?

The guy sounds shady...she cheated on him and he says he wanted to give her dignity! I don't buy that for a nanosecond.

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