honest advice please

[DeeDee20]

Hey all.
Please can you give me your honest opinion as I fear i'm losing my mind.

My partner of 5 years (just bought a house together) had to get another job due to COVID. Been there 4 months now, a few weeks ago he lied about going to the pub with them all - I saw he had messaged a female collegue saying he was meeting her there, I confronted him about this and he said he met a group of people and knew I would get the wrong idea so that's why he lied.
Since then I have been over sensitive about everything he does and it is ruining us. He came home yesterday and his mobile wallpaper was changed from us to a blank screen - he said he was in the middle of changing it to another photo but then didn't have time.
He used to message when he was at work but doesn't now - says he has no break but I can see he's on other social media.

I feel like I am on a knife edge of going crazy - he could be telling the truth or not as I am aware I am hyper sensitive and feeling left out.
What do you think? thank you for listening

Trust your instincts.

He sounds dodgy as fuck. Sorry.

Another one for trust your instincts.

You shouldn't feel this way in a relationship. If he is or isn't cheating, he's making you feel like he is and that's not healthy.

I think that your gut is screaming at you and your right to listen to it. The facts are clear, he lied to you about the meet up in the pub, he's took off the photo of you both from his phone screen & he's not texting you like he used to do. Them points are not due to being hyper sensitive. I would sit down with him asap and say you need to talk and that you expect the respect you deserve and to be told the truth. It may be that nothing has actually happened but that his new job has made him realise he's not happy in the relationship. Either way, you need to know what's going on & then decide on what you want.

You poor thing. I agree with the others about trusting your instincts.

Thank you. I think i'm in shock, we just bought a house together, how on earth do I get out of this?
We have talked so much after about him being open and honest with me, I feel he does this to re build the trust but i'm still just freaking out ++++ that he's hiding something. When we are together it is like it used to be but the minute we are apart my mind goes crazy.

x

A house in joint names in easily sorted out. You either put it on the market or one of you buys the other one out. Your mental health and general well being is much more important that the house you bought together. You need to talk to him about it asap. You can't go on with your stomach feeling like a washing machine every time he leaves the house x

Please listen to @Ging7878

He is treating you like dirt and you deserve better. Your mental health self respect and self worth are worth more than this guy

Thank you for listening to me! I really appreciate it

Does he have any history of infidelity?

None at all and everything was normal up until 4 months ago.
Its this message to this girl and that he changed our picture on his phone the other day..

So he was just seeing that woman at the pub, not a crowd?

Another vote for trusting your instincts.

What did he actually lie about? He said he was meeting a group of work friends and you found out one was female and he was messaging her to arrange meeting there? Was the message inappropriate? I have lots of male colleagues that are friends that I would message about arrangements. Did he just leave out the fact there were female colleagues too? If you're so suspicious ask to go with him next time just say I fancy a drink do you mind if I pop in for one and I can say hello to your new work friends? If my husband said this (he's met them all now anyway) I would have zero issues with it. If he starts making excuses or squirming then he's hiding something.
I don't think he's actually done much wrong YET, none of it is concrete, it's a new job maybe he doesn't want to be on his phone too much? And the phone thing could be true. I'd give him benefit of the doubt for now and keep an eye out for anything else x

Once you know he’s lied it becomes almost impossible to believe anything he says.

You need to talk, explain to him that without trust there is no relationship, then whether you walk away or he really, really ups his game and becomes a loving and obedient puppy dog until he regains your trust (in about eleventy-billion years...liars rarely change) is up to you. Don’t be confused by buying the house. In fact, offer to buy him out. If you’ve only been there a few months and he’s been unemployed you should get full ownership without having to pay him anything.

Problem now is that he's lied, and you don't trust him. So everything he tells you now you aren't sure if it's true or not. By lying he's fucked an intrinsic part of the relationship.

Trouble is, if he did just meet a group and the organiser happened to be a female team member, then he didn't lie. He is hanging with a different crowd, they might be cooler than his last colleagues. Maybe he thought the photo of you both as wallpaper was a bit sad.
I also don't think it's a bad thing that he doesn't message when he's at work. Aren't you busy during the day?
You can either push it to a fast conclusion, or back off, become very busy yourself with a busier social life and just keep an eye on things. I'd do the 2nd as you just bought a house and he doesn't have form for cheating. You'll know more in a month.

Thank you all.
I came home one day and he wasn't there, I asked where he was and he just kept diverting the answer saying don't worry. He came home and said he was in X pub with the boys, I knew something wasn't right and saw on his phone he had a message from a girl. I only saw he said meet you there and she said your keen. I then saw a recipt on his phone that he was in a totally different pub. he explained that he had met a group of work collegues (including her) and she had messaged him. this could be true or he just met her..i don't know.
We've spoken ++ about me meeting the new work friends and he said he would take me but not happened yet. I just feel he lied about this how do I trust anything he says. then he comes home with our picture off his phone, this is what I mean by feeling hyper sensitive.
Its been 4 weeks now and our relationship feels awful :(

Why was he worried to tell you about the new colleagues?

Do you have any history of someone lying to you and or bring unfaithful?

His actions to me aren't totally certainly proof of anything. Is your photo back in his phone? Tell him you miss his messages. Ask to him out and meet the work friends. Including the female. Then see what you think.

Yes my ex lied to me and im sure my parents cheated, something that has always stayed with me however I have worked very hard on myself with this and made it clear I need open and honesty in a relationship. My partner having female work colleagues is not a problem at all, I just want to be included. So seeing he messages her innocent or not and lieing about where he is hurt. Why woudlnt he tell me about the her?
How do you build trust in a relationship again, I wish it was concreate or not and then I could move forward but I just feel stuck in this middle part of not knowing.