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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Some people seem to work through infidelity

10 replies

Anordinarymum · 14/09/2020 01:06

.. and emerge stronger or perhaps wiser.

A good friend of mine was asked by his sister to follow her partner from work because she suspected him of having an affair.

He was very reluctant to do it and told her he did not want to as it felt wrong for lots of reasons but she was very upset and insistent, so he agreed to do it.

He waited in his car on the day she requested and watched the guy come out of work, get into his car and drive off. He followed him to a housing estate where he parked up and went to a house and knocked on the door.
A woman in a nightie or perhaps a negligee answered the door, They went back inside and then he saw them upstairs in a bedroom and close the curtains.
He waited and about an our later the guy came out and drove off.

He told his sister. She already knew really and thanked him for his help.

About ten years later they got married. They seem to be really happy, and obviously worked through whatever it was that was wrong.

Perhaps she considered her options and decided to settle, or perhaps she confronted him, my friend never found out and he never asked.

I had a feeling she stayed with him because they were older and maybe she thought she would never meet anyone else. I expect this must happen a lot. To move forward you have to forgive and try to forget I suppose.

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ManservantHecubus · 14/09/2020 01:14

Good luck to them i suppose, but I bloody wouldn't.

Spritesobright · 15/09/2020 08:50

Urban legend, frankly. All the cheated ons continue to feel anxious, untrusting, insecure and the cheaters never manage to find that elusive "high" they were seeking out.
Just because they're still together doesn't mean they're happy.

unsureinsecure · 15/09/2020 09:12

I stayed.
Found out about 18 months ago that my DP had cheated on me for the first 8 months of our relationship. Seeing another woman and texting/ chatting to several others well past us agreeing to be exclusive.
By the time I found out we'd been together over 2 years and I was invested in him. I'd fallen in love with the man I thought he was.
I confronted him and he broke down in tears (the usual performance I imagine) he admitted he'd been on a few dates with her/ kissed her and was chatting with others and his excuse was that he didn't ever think we'd get serious. He enjoyed the attention/ ego boost. All the evidence suggests he stopped of his own accord around the time we said we loved each other.
We had a break during which time he begged & pleaded. He gave me every password, email, access to phone etc as an attempt to help me rebuild trust.
The kids missed him, I missed him and because I do believe he stopped once he realised we were going somewhere I decided to give him another chance.
The reality is that day to day we're fine. We have good times together, we laugh, we talk, the sex is good and our times with the kids are precious BUT I will never fully trust him again and my respect for him has gone.
He went from someone who I believed to have a decent moral compass and good integrity to a pathetic dirty dog and while he's working hard to rectify things, it's never going to be the same.
Will I stick around forever? Probably not. He suits me for now and we're making it work so will see how things go but as far as I'm concerned our relationship will never truly get past what he did.

IamTomHanks · 15/09/2020 09:16

I suppose it depends on the situation surrounding the infidelity. I don't think these things can be 100% black or white.

Anordinarymum · 15/09/2020 22:28

@Spritesobright

Urban legend, frankly. All the cheated ons continue to feel anxious, untrusting, insecure and the cheaters never manage to find that elusive "high" they were seeking out. Just because they're still together doesn't mean they're happy.
Not an urban legend. I know the lady well, and her husband. She settled but was unhappy for a long time. I could have said more but it's too close to home, but please believe me - it happened. No it was not me but it is someone who is close to me.
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user1481840227 · 15/09/2020 22:47

Not an urban legend. I know the lady well, and her husband. She settled but was unhappy for a long time. I could have said more but it's too close to home, but please believe me - it happened. No it was not me but it is someone who is close to me.

Unhappy for a long time doesn't sound like a success story to me.
She could have left and met someone new in that time and had a better relationship with pure trust!

Anordinarymum · 15/09/2020 23:02

I'm not saying this is a success story. I am saying she settled. Some people do. Some people must feel it is harder to split than to stay, and I suspect money plays a greater part than anything else.

Also, when you find out your OH is being unfaithful, your self esteem must be at an all time low, and finding someone else may be the last thing you want.

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user1481840227 · 15/09/2020 23:08

We know that a lot of people stay though! and settle for whatever kind of relationship it is possible to have after infidelity.

Your thread title and opening line sounded like it was some kind of success story.

Katiefizz · 15/09/2020 23:12

So they stay because they are broken down and have low self esteem?.... Infidelity is never a precursor to a better relationship in my opinion. It can be understandable, it can be worked through but it's never a good thing.

Anordinarymum · 15/09/2020 23:18

I do not know. If it sounded like a success story then I perhaps should have worded it better.

I think in my friend's case - if his sister was twenty years younger and not tied up financially to this guy she would have dumped him. It's quite odd to see how happy they appear to be, but then I know what happened and maybe that is why I wonder why she settled and can only put it down to the alternative being something she could not face.

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