I've had a bit of a lightbulb moment today, and need some advice I think. I love my DF to bits, but a few things are concerning me lately.
For background, he wasnt an easy man to live with growing up, 85% of the time lovely but with an unpredictable temper and a habit of becoming completely irrational for the smallest of reasons. Since my parents divorced in my teens, he's had help for this and is much more balanced.
However, I think it may have left me with a bit of a complex about always pleasing people and keeping the peace, particularly where he is concerned. I think I've developed a boundariless relationship where I drop everything to help him when he needs it. I'm feeling under constant pressure to fix everything for him or the guilt starts.
He phones a lot, with every small thing that bothers him, and I always try to help, to rationalise it, and to offer advice (which he seldom takes). This can be relationships, practical stuff, whatever. Everything is always super urgent so "I'll phone back tomorrow/later" doesn't work. I'll get in from work and need to walk the dog, make tea, study, and I've first got to spend 30+ minutes on the phone talking him through whatever he needs. Often it's things that really can wait, but to him they can't. If I miss his call I must be far too busy, he'll struggle on his own, he must be being a nuisance etc and I feel terrible. My poor DH, rho works long hours and I don't see as much of as I'd like, often ends up waiting ages for me to finish with one of these calls before we can spend time together.
Current commitments mean I only get one day off per week and I study around work (mature student), and he always finds a reason to invite himself down, help with xyz, can you fix my phone, I need help with this letter,can I just, etc etc. If I say I'm a bit busy, the guilt is unreal.
I once couldn't see him one weekend last year because I had a ton of work to do, and got a long message about how he isn't going to be around forever and why am I treating him this way. I pushed back on that occasion but things were awkward for a while.
Another thing is he's always vague for anything we plan, or cancels at the last minute. A few times recently I've managed to pin him to a specific time to come, then he's either turned up early or late, which makes me loathe to plan anything else on the same day I'm meant to see him in case I need to cancel it.
The whole thing ends up feeling like his time is more valuable than mine and I need to fit with his needs in order to not feel like the worst daughter ever. I've got other things/people in my life that need my time and attention but despite my best efforts they always end up taking a back seat.
DH and I have had a stressful couple of months for a few reasons, and I cracked at work on Friday and sobbed to my colleague about how everything is getting on top of me. Then I got home and spoke to my DF on Friday night and explained I was tired and just needed a me-day on Sunday (today). Telling him how I feel isn't an option, he thinks mental health is all between the ears. He asked can't he just come down, it'll only be for half a hour (which it never is) and I caved and said OK. I cried to DH after the call, saying how exhausted I was, and ended up sending my DF a text saying on second thoughts, I'm really run down and need a rest. He responded by saying this is fine, have a nice rest etc which was a relief I'd not upset him, but I've still ended up watching my phone all day hoping he's ok and not busy getting himself into a state over something.
This isn't a competency or loneliness thing, as he has a casual-ish partner, who he ironically helps with her own personal admin, and works one morning a week since retiring, so is perfectly capable of dealing with things, he just chooses to lean on me instead. It's a lot of pressure.
He's not a bad person, quite the opposite, and I love him dearly, but its becoming too much. I do want to spend time with him, just not out of obligation because he needs something IYSWIM. I feel resentful and obligated and I don't want that for our relationship.
I want a good, two-way relationship with him again. He can be funny, interesting and lovely, but I don't know how to get out of this cycle and get that back.