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Original poster

Should I ask date what's happening?

26 replies

VistaOfFreedom · 13/09/2020 18:07

I dated a guy a bit last year for a few months, drinks walks etc. Then we had a big break due to workload and then covid. I didn't really fancy him when we dated last year, and probably gave off a 'don't come closer' vibe if he got within my 'personal zone'.

Fast forward to this year, we've always staying in touch with the occasional message, and a couple of months ago we had a Zoom and we've recently started going on some dates again. But nothing physical ever happens, he's not tried to hold hands or anything. He was round last night for a takeaway and film - first time we've done something in an evening and I wondered if there might be a bit of sofa cuddling - but no! He's seems a nice guy and I do now fancy him - it's been a bit of a slow burn. But I don't know what to make of the no physical contact thing - what to do?! He skedaddled off home about 10 mins after the film ended!

OP posts:
Bunnymumy · 13/09/2020 18:10

Maybe he doesn't want to initiate physical contact this time incase you blow cold on him like last time again. Could you try to be more touchy with him next time you see him? Eg: touch his hand or shoulder when laughing at something together.

But be sure you're into him this time. And its not just a case of wanting him to be into you, then you'll lose interest again.

Bunnymumy · 13/09/2020 18:12

Or you could just say 'just to clarify, is this q friend thing or are we dating?' if you want to cut to the chase I guess.

overnightangel · 13/09/2020 18:12

Is he meant to be a mind reader?

Original poster
VistaOfFreedom · 13/09/2020 18:26

I could try to be more touchy. I was totally invading his space on the sofa last night. It's tricky because of covid - I think neither of us are sure if we're 'allowed' to get close.

I'm tempted to ask him the question straight out.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 13/09/2020 18:30

How did he react when you included his sofa space? Any lingering looks? Did he hug you goodbye?

Original poster
VistaOfFreedom · 13/09/2020 18:33

He didn't do anything, just sat in his spot. In the end I shuffled away as was feeling like a space-hog!
We hug goodbye but it's quite perfunctory and doesn't last long - could easily just be a mate hug.

OP posts:
AnaViaSalamanca · 13/09/2020 18:38

I don't think he is very interested in you @VistaOfFreedom. I was in a similar situation (very intense conversations and emotional, but nothing physical, and dragging over a long time). Sadly, if someone is actively interested in you and you are their top option, they would make it known because they would be scared of you ending up with someone else.

If it takes a long time and it's on/off, it means that you are one of the many plan Bs. It's OK of course if you are not that bothered about him. IME he will keep in touch occasionally and give enough impression of interest to keep you there so that you are still an option, but that's about it.

Sorry, maybe a bleak view.

FeltTippedPen · 13/09/2020 18:42

I can’t read his mind but if it were me in his position I’d say he likes you a lot, judging by him sticking with it. He’s probably worried about over stepping your boundaries. Ask him if he’s dating anyone right now and if that is a no, next time you spend time together turn the goodbye at the end of the evening into something more.

Bunnymumy · 13/09/2020 18:43

I think if he is ok with hugging you then he would be ok with other touching if he was interested...

That being said, not sure why he would be around yours watching a film alone with you if he didnt like you. Not that guys and girls cant just be mates I suppose...but i still think it's a bit of an odd set up.

Maybe he's just feeling the water atm.
I'd just straight up ask him.

Original poster
VistaOfFreedom · 13/09/2020 19:12

@FeltTippedPen

I can’t read his mind but if it were me in his position I’d say he likes you a lot, judging by him sticking with it. He’s probably worried about over stepping your boundaries. Ask him if he’s dating anyone right now and if that is a no, next time you spend time together turn the goodbye at the end of the evening into something more.
I'm thinking this. He's more the shy, nice-guy type than the player type
OP posts:
shivermetimbers77 · 13/09/2020 19:16

I think you need to be pretty flirtatious/direct and see what happens.

Thisisnotnormal69 · 13/09/2020 19:18

If you are definitely interested you need to be more direct. Perhaps he is also nervous about Covid or isn’t sure what to do. You need to talk about it I think

PatsyClinSilVousPlait · 13/09/2020 19:18

@AnaViaSalamanca

I don't think he is very interested in you *@VistaOfFreedom*. I was in a similar situation (very intense conversations and emotional, but nothing physical, and dragging over a long time). Sadly, if someone is actively interested in you and you are their top option, they would make it known because they would be scared of you ending up with someone else.

If it takes a long time and it's on/off, it means that you are one of the many plan Bs. It's OK of course if you are not that bothered about him. IME he will keep in touch occasionally and give enough impression of interest to keep you there so that you are still an option, but that's about it.

Sorry, maybe a bleak view.

And the exact same advice could be given to the guy in this case, with no idea if its remotely accurate.

To the OP I'd mention the weirdness of dating in a global pandemic, that you've enjoyed the recent dates and wouldn't be averse to a kiss at the end of the next one.

Good luck.

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 13/09/2020 19:20

I had this with someone I dated a few years ago. When I finally managed to attempt intimacy I basically discovered he had penis issues which meant he wasn't capable of sex. And he wasn't really interested in anything sexual as a result, just cuddles & hand holding. Might suit some but not me. Anyway men who want sex are pretty clear and the ones who evade it do so for 'reasons'. If sex is important to you I would be reevaluating, push the issue you'll find out soon enough why.

Original poster
VistaOfFreedom · 13/09/2020 19:31

@WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo

I had this with someone I dated a few years ago. When I finally managed to attempt intimacy I basically discovered he had penis issues which meant he wasn't capable of sex. And he wasn't really interested in anything sexual as a result, just cuddles & hand holding. Might suit some but not me. Anyway men who want sex are pretty clear and the ones who evade it do so for 'reasons'. If sex is important to you I would be reevaluating, push the issue you'll find out soon enough why.
I am concerned there may be an issue
OP posts:
Original poster
VistaOfFreedom · 13/09/2020 19:34

@Thisisnotnormal69

If you are definitely interested you need to be more direct. Perhaps he is also nervous about Covid or isn’t sure what to do. You need to talk about it I think
Yes probably this, I'm just not sure what to say/ how to phrase it!
OP posts:
Thisisnotnormal69 · 13/09/2020 19:40

On covid - do you know if he feels nervous about it, does he follow the rules carefully, could he be worried about breaking them for physical contact? I would start a conversation about it saying for eg something about being fed up with it and ask how he feels..then you could say would you feel ok if we were to be closer on sofa for example.

Or try and be more overly touchy feely, like if you are cooking together put an arm on his shoulder or round his waist or something?

When are you seeing him next? I think you just need to go for it and see what happens!

Original poster
VistaOfFreedom · 13/09/2020 20:01

I know he's been and is being pretty careful about the rules, he does visit some elderly people as part of his job. And I have a child so I have mentioned being careful in the past because of that. Although I mentioned it meaning to reassure him I was being careful, but he may have taken it to mean it included me wanting to maintain social distance with him. Aagh. So I'm obviously wanting to respect his boundaries too.
I can see I just need to discuss it with him, it's just a little awks!

OP posts:
Original poster
VistaOfFreedom · 13/09/2020 20:05

@Thisisnotnormal69

On covid - do you know if he feels nervous about it, does he follow the rules carefully, could he be worried about breaking them for physical contact? I would start a conversation about it saying for eg something about being fed up with it and ask how he feels..then you could say would you feel ok if we were to be closer on sofa for example.

Or try and be more overly touchy feely, like if you are cooking together put an arm on his shoulder or round his waist or something?

When are you seeing him next? I think you just need to go for it and see what happens!

Good idea, I might suggest a cooking date next, a bit more easy to be casually touchy feely haha
OP posts:
BillMasen · 13/09/2020 20:39

You say yourself you have off “don’t come close” vibes. So now you’ve decided you fancy him you must appreciate he won’t know you’ve changed unless you tell, or show, him.

You need to initiate closer contact if you want it. I wouldnt in his position. It’s not his fault he’s being cautious and doesn’t imply a problem. The poster saying this is being really unfair

popcornlover · 13/09/2020 21:16

Your post is confusing as you say you didn’t fancy him last time. Do you fancy him now or not? Maybe he is as unsure if he fancies you!

Bbub · 13/09/2020 21:19

I would just ask outright "do you see me as a friend or something more?“

but my up front approach seems to scare people off..I just can't hold it in though

Original poster
VistaOfFreedom · 13/09/2020 21:46

@popcornlover

Your post is confusing as you say you didn’t fancy him last time. Do you fancy him now or not? Maybe he is as unsure if he fancies you!
Yes quite possibly. I didn't really fancy him last year, but he had been very lovely to me and I'm now appreciating him for that, and the attraction has grown. Have started a bit of a flirty chat with the aim of getting some of these questions answered
OP posts:
bebarkered · 01/10/2020 05:35

It was sounding promising to me, how has it gone since you last posted?

Shakespearsister · 01/10/2020 05:40

Yep, ask him if he wants a shag 😀