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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Female friendships, feeing inadequate

3 replies

crossroads1 · 12/09/2020 22:22

Have realised I posted something similar last month - not sure if lockdown is making my anxiety worse or if I am hypersensitive. But I feel inadequate because I don't have any female friendships/a group of friends to hang out with anymore.

My fiancé has a large friendship group and all of them are lovely - they make me feel so welcome but I feel v. insecure when the topic of 'friends' comes up. Just today another couple said they were hanging out with the girl's friends and immediately I felt nervous. My fiancé and I hardly do anything with my friends, its always his and that's because my friends are virtually non existent these days. I go for my daily walks and I feel really anxious and feel like I want to flee.

We are getting married this year and I am very happy it has to be small because of the virus but whenever the hen/stag debate comes up I immediately shut down. Or whenever people ask about my friends I get nervous. I feel so insecure about this, Ive tried my hardest to reach out to old friends and to make new ones but its been this way for years - I understand some ppl just naturally know more ppl, I desperately want a friendship group or a group of girlfriends to have dinners etc with but everyone already seems to have their 'tribe' apart from me. Im 32 and have mostly been in relationships from the age of 18 onwards.. I kick myself now because I should have used that time to make more friends or to go on a gap year. Now I'm this age and I feel like a loser. Is this normal? what brings all this on.. why does everyone seem to have a group but me? I feel really low, sad, anxious and depressed.

my DP is a godsend for me he never makes me feel inadequate.. I just seem to do it to myself.

OP posts:
suggestionsplease1 · 12/09/2020 22:37

I think if you've been very focused on / immersed in relationships it's not too unusual that friendships have taken a back seat for you. Are your friendship needs being met by the couple friends you now have?

I think you need to separate out the extent to which you really wish you had your own personal friends vs the wish to meet what you perceive as other people's expectations of you having friendships. It sounds like you're putting pressure on yourself in this respect.

That said I think it is always beneficial to have your own friends as well, maybe you can start developing some through work, hobbies etc?

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 12/09/2020 22:39

Do you want friends of your own? Or do you feel like you should? I left school at 18 and didnt have a group again until after I had dd aged 33. I had friends that were from different contexts but didnt know each other. Have you got anyone like that?

Also I think its really important to distinguish between friends, colleagues and aquaintances. I really like a lot of my colleagues and value them in my life but I dont really want to socialise with them. I have some good aquaintances whose company I enjoy, but again not friends.

crossroads1 · 12/09/2020 23:11

yep this is exactly what I have @StrictlyAFemaleFemale I have a lot of 'separate' friends if that makes any sense. So they are all met one - on one. I am at a bridesmaid at my friends wedding this month who I have known for 25+ years. Another friend of hers has organised her hen do and there were so many ppl who were going initially (canceled due to covid) and it made me feel so inadequate. I want my own group and circle, its what I have always wanted even before I met my DP. Im even thinking of finding a new job to meet more like minded ppl. I feel stuck where I am, I find it hard to explain but I dont want people to somehow find out that I'm a loser due to the lack of group.

I think my needs aren't being totally met @suggestionsplease1 I see people on social media or even on these reality shows who go out and look like they're having the time of their life (I know this is not all real) but Id love to have my own hen do, or girls night out, its the one thing I am missing in my life. My relationship is great, but I want to keep my independence and to do my own thing even when Im married. The one thing I've tried to do is make more friends during lockdown when I go for walks but so far it hasn't worked... :(

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