sensitive bevause theres truth in what shes said?

[trays11]

On Friday I met my five closest friends for a delayed birthday meal. I was 36 in June and for obvious reasons celebrations were on hold!

All of them are married, I’m recently single just before lockdown. I was very cut up about it. They all have easy financial lives and being blunt, I’m only able to ‘keep up’ as it were, because I have a good job. Being married they have added income too of course and have all married men with decent jobs too.

When the topic of me being single came up...One of my friends during the meal said oh you’ll find someone, though probably better to be realistic that you’re not going to find someone who has the same income or standard of living as you so you’ll have to adjust expectations in that regard, anyone with a half decent job and prospects for a comfortable life together will be taken by now, make sure you don’t lose your job! (This is pretty much word for word!)

There was an awkward silence and one of the other girls changed the subject and we didn’t mention it again.

I don’t care about money and in fact my ex was extremely well off and wanted to be with me but I ended it as I didn’t feel he was the right one for me. But, just like my friends, I hoped I would still find someone that shares my ambitions and can bring the same to the table as I do. It’s not the be all and end all of course but I feel like she’s basically said to me that I’m old now and only left with half arsed men who will be a drain on me rather that an equal. I hoped if I met someone who had similar earnings to me that I may be able to take time off if there were kids, while they were young. I realise it’s not that simple and maybe the bloke would want to stay home but it’s I just feel any prospect of that has been written off now in the eyes of my friend.

Maybe I’m being sensitive as there’s some truth in it? I feel sort of deflated, like I’m too old for anyone like the men they’ve all settled down with. It’s even made me question ending things with my ex.

I don't know why she is taking the high ground. Married men leave their wives. It's not as if her future is guaranteed. No one knows what's in store for them.

She doesn't sound like much of a friend.

I'm the same age as you and dread dating again. I found 4 years ago that there's so many weirdos out there. I just want someone normal.

Hopefully you will find the one when you least expect it.
Good luck

Tell her, the husbands are due to be recycled soon, so there'll be plenty of 40 somethings free.

That was a very unkind and very untrue thing for her to say.
I was the last of my friends to settle, didn't meet my husband til I was 40 (6 years ago).
I find that I'm now far happier and far more settled and secure with my husband than any of them are with theirs - I held out for the right man whereas 1 of my friends has admitted she settled, another trapped the married man she was sleeping with and I don't think she'll ever really trust him... Another left her husband after she had several affairs and now is lonely and regretful...
Perhaps your 'friend' is in fact jealous of the chances you have ahead of you!?

Sounds like jealousy to me because they can't have the same lifestyle as you without a husband!!

😉

Maybe it’s jealousy but I doubt it, they all know how much I would love to find the right one ..!

What a bizarre thing to say

Sounds like her thoughts ran away with her after a glass or two!

I mean. You might get pursued by someone who likes the idea of an easy ride with a good earner. Or you might meet someone through work BECAUSE of your good job who is looking for someone equally professional. Or you might meet someone totally randomly. You just don’t know. And YES to being all settled down ‘early’ sadly not necessarily being the end of the story. I don’t at l think that age has much to do with it. It’s easier to get it all sewn up in your 20s - more people in your circles are single - but they are the ones that get divorced!

The only thing you can ultimately rely on is yourself. And your own assets/ earning power.

Thanks. I was feeling very down about it today!

They al sat there and I thought god they are all so much more secure than I am in lots of ways!

@Windmillwhirl

I don't know why she is taking the high ground. Married men leave their wives. It's not as if her future is guaranteed. No one knows what's in store for them.

She doesn't sound like much of a friend.

This, just this. What a weird, rude and hurtful thing for her to say.

BTW, Im 48 soon, split with my exH five years ago and currently have the most bloody amazing DP out in the kitchen doing the washing up. Decent men are out there.

They are not much more secure than you. Nobody knows what tomorrow holds. Enjoy your life and pay no attention to smug attitudes, whatever form they are.

Thank you that’s lovely to read!! Certainly felt today like that was the end of the road for me romance wise or meeting anyone on my wavelength!

Of course it's not. Just her opinion, not a proven fact. How would people ever find a new partner later in life if it was?

Have you single friends you can meet up with? It's never fun feeling like the odd one out when it's something you are sensitive about. I dont mean ditch the married friends, just cultivate others as well who are in your situation.

And if your ex was wrong for you, then you weren't wrong to finish it. You can't settle with someone who doesn't feel right. It won't make you happy.

I think she meant more that I would find someone but basically any hope that they would have a decent job and financially equal etc was not going to happen now as only the dregs are left!

I agree it was right to end it with my ex, the whole conversation just made me second guess everything I suppose

Wow, what a crap thing to say. Does she have form for barbed remarks?
If not, maybe it was a clumsy brain fart moment and she's cringing that she said it!

You're 36, not 96. You have a lot of time to find a meaningful relationship that's just right for you. Also - think how many people retrain and change careers in their thirties or forties or fifties, and go on to lucrative new jobs. I just don't think it is an accurate observation that the only available potential partners for you will be people who can't match you for ambition.

What a really strange comment. People don't marry people based on what their job is surely?! Or am I just naive!

The comment says more about your friend and her (cynical) views on life than you.

She’s talking bull - people become single at all stages of life, yes even financially stable ones, such as yourself

Your friend has a very strange outlook on life and, quite frankly, is a bit bat shit! I think she's the one with unrealistic ideals.

Of course there's plenty of normal, well adjusted, financially stable single people out there. Of course it's full of weirdos too, but that's not something new or within a set age range.

I met my, now husband when I was in my 40s, I earn a good wage and he runs his own business, I like to think he's normal and not a nut job either.

Tbh if I was you, I'd start looking at ways of enhancing your life without a man, it's very true that the right ones usually come along when your happy with yourself. Find hobbies you love, love yourself and don't concentrate so much on finding a man. There's a lot to be said about being single!

She's just talking nonsense. Making assumptions. I wouldn't give it much credence.

@Windmillwhirl, "I don't know why she is taking the high ground. Married men leave their wives. It's not as if her future is guaranteed. No one knows what's in store for them. She doesn't sound like much of a friend."

This is so true. All of our friends were settled as of 5 years ago. All have kids ranging from tweens to toddlers. We're early to mid 40s and several of our friends have separated/divorced in the last few years, others are in the process of trying to save a struggling marriage or like me waiting to call time on a broken one. I met DH as a 20 year old over 20 years ago. We were so in love. There are no guarantees in life. Your friend, besides being mean is very naive to feel smug simply because she's married. Finding someone is not the happy ending, it's another stage in the story and it may or may not be a good one.

What a load of oul' bollox. Ignore it.

That wasn’t a friendly or kind thing to say. It’s also complete rubbish. I met DP aged 34, he earns triple what my ex earned. Not that that is even what matters!!!! He’s also the most lovely, supportive, funny and generous person ever.

What an odd thing to say.
The previous posters have it though, just because your friend thinks she's doing better than you now with her high earning husband, doesn't mean she will be in the same position in 10 years time. Have fun coming up with similar digs (in your head only!) for when she's bitter and divorced.
Any age is the right age to meet someone, you presumably only want the one partner and a person who is right for you can pop into your life at any time. So long as they are solvent I didn't think what they earned came into it, but then I must know nicer people than this women.
I hope she didn't ruin your birthday.

Thanks for the posts. It’s made me snap out of thinking over what she’d said.

She does have form for it actually but this was particularly hard hitting as it was a meal out and a sensitive time for me. Ironically out of everyone she’s with someone on minimum wage.

She sounds like a smug twat. I probably would have said "well based on all the guys I end up online dating with who actually turn out to be married, I'm banking on picking one up on his second go at marriage!"

Just to spitefully serve her the same glimmer of insecurity she gave you.

You could even do it now although the moment has passed. Send screenshot of guy you're going on a date with and be like "🤦‍♀️ Another married one. Next!"

From your update perhaps she feels that she has ‘settled’ with her partner and is projecting onto you.