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Original poster

Help! Stuck between a rock and a hard place!

26 replies

GameChanger02 · 12/09/2020 13:55

So, me and the fella have been together just over a year now. Completely in love with eachother just looking at getting our first home together!

But, every single weekend he's with his ex. They've got kids together, he goes to see his kids but just recently its getting longer and longer the time he's out on a weekend. She's always there, she wants him back hes been doing things for her, this is why he's out longer.
Weekends is the only proper time we get together since we both work full time. Recently, hes made me feel like a proper c**t for asking him to miss a day some weekends so we could do something together.

I've been pretty chill through our entire relationship about his ex and kids.. Theyve been on days out as a family, hes stayed over there a few times, she's constantly texting and phoning him. None of this has been a problem for me but I ask for a day every other weekend and I'm the devil in disguse. We have to do it like this because his ex won't allow me to see the kids yet.

Anyway, just looking for advice on what I could do I'm starting to feel like a spare part in my own relationship, an afterthought, I love him to bits but im not sure I can cope with this for much longer.

OP posts:
SBTLove · 12/09/2020 13:56

Why does he only see the kids at her house? why can’t he take them out himself?
Has he really split up and told her he’s in a new relationship?

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 12/09/2020 13:57

Walk away, he doesn’t have time or the emotional capacity for a relationship if he’s letting his ex call the shots. This won’t get any better. Dealing with someone else’s kids is hard enough without an overbearing ex in the picture too.

GagaBinks · 12/09/2020 13:57

I'm sorry to ask but, are you 100% sure they have split? He could've told her he works away from home during the week and then goes back at weekends. It all sounds a bit dodgy.

Msonamission · 12/09/2020 13:58

Doesn't sound like a very fulfilling relationship.

It might be that way for quite some time. I'd cut my losses.

ALLIS0N · 12/09/2020 14:00

Why doesn’t he have his children to stay at his place ? Most dads in his situation have them one night a week, EOW and half the holidays.

So they spend every Weekend together, he sleeps there , they phone and text Constantly , you’ve never met his kids.I think you’ll find they are a couple / still married.

Sorry I think you’ve been had.

Original poster
GameChanger02 · 12/09/2020 14:15

He stays with me through the week and on the weekends but every so often he will stay there, to spend some time with his kids, so he tells me.
His ex knows we were together and she knows we're getting our own place.
He says he loves me and wants to marry me and I believe him but barely spending any time together, quality time is starting to tell a bit now.
We're both shattered after a full day at work so evenings are just chilled and on a weekend hes out most of the time.

If he tells his ex he cant help her with something or he changes his day to see the kids she uses the kids against him and says he cant see them. Thats what he scared of. His ex clicks her fingers and he jumps. But all the time im getting further and further away from him and hes starting to notice it now.

Its not just something I want to end, we instantly fell in love with eachother and i believe he is the one for me but i risk just being an afterthought on a weekend.

OP posts:
littlebirdieblue · 12/09/2020 14:29

This will not get any better. I'm so sorry to be harsh but you are not a priority to him, his kids (rightly so) and his ex are his main priorities. Him staying over at hers is not something I would be happy with in your situation. How long after they separated did you get together?

RandomMess · 12/09/2020 14:32

Tell him to sort contact out, his ex does not get to dictate who the kids see in his time.

It's simple he goes to mediation and the court.

Seriously you need to meet the kids and see what he is like as a parent before you move in together 😳

If he won't sort out contact out officially then his ex will yank his chain and control your relationship until the DC are well into their 20s...

He is being weak and spineless and you are being foolish to tolerate it.

Ikeameatballs · 12/09/2020 14:32

Walk away!

This will not end well. There really is no reason for him to be staying over there unless they are still having sex.

Opentooffers · 12/09/2020 14:50

You're trying to be the cool GF by saying it doesn't bother you, but it's right that it should bother you. He should not be spending the day at her house to see the kids, they should come to see him, and as for spending the night, well, the first time he did that, should of been the last time, it's really not on at all. Either you tell him straight and he agrees, or walk away, because at the moment he's having his cake and eating it.

Pelagi · 12/09/2020 15:08

He sounds a bit feeble to be honest. The kind of man who tries to avoid difficult conversations. If he doesn’t have the strength to sort this out then it doesn’t bode well for your relationship.

AnnaFour · 12/09/2020 15:15

His marriage is not fully over because he’s still massively embroiled with his ex wife. It’s also really strange to consider moving in together without having met his kids. You’ll end up making house for him and being his week night partner while she continues to be his weekend wife at this rate. How long were they split up for when you met?

user165423256322 · 12/09/2020 15:19

i believe he is the one for me but i risk just being an afterthought on a weekend

Both of those can't be true.

VimFuego101 · 12/09/2020 15:21

Why does he not put a proper legal agreement in place that allows him to have the children on stated days at his own house?

Aerial2020 · 12/09/2020 15:49

So either he needs to get a contact agreement arranged with her for his children (formal or informal) or if he doesn't then something isn't adding up and he actually likes having 2 women needing him.

This isn't right and if she is using the kids to control him then he can stop that. It might take a while to set boundaries but he can if he wants to.
If that is true and not him actually like this arrangement.

Don't marry him and any have future commitment until he has sorted this out and this will get worse. You will be walking into disaster.

Aerial2020 · 12/09/2020 15:50

And he doesn't need to go to her house to see the kids. That is crap. Why aren't they coming to yours or his?

BlueThistles · 12/09/2020 15:55

He's taking the piss, living with you, during the week, then home to the family weekends, he's played you a blinder 🌺

SavoyCabbage · 12/09/2020 15:56

This is not the norm. He needs to be seeing his children regularly and doing stuff with them. Making their dinner and watching them play football. Not going round to his exes and just sliding in to his old life.

Who does all the housework and shopping and maintenance at yours if he's off out every weekend? It's like you are his mam holding the fort at home and he gets the best bit of family life. No coming in making a dinner, listening to a child read, giving them a bath and putting them to bed for him!

Midnightsky1 · 12/09/2020 15:58

So it’s a year and you are still not spending weekends together and you still haven’t met his children.

When you say he stays there, do you mean overnight?

How would getting a place together work? What would change?

LilyLongJohn · 12/09/2020 16:00

No no and no. He's got you during the week and playing happy families with the ex and his kids during the weekend. What should be happening is he takes the kids on the weekend, and you and him take the kids somewhere. Why doesn't he do this? Have you met the kids yet?

CodenameVillanelle · 12/09/2020 16:15

This is bollocks
If he wants to have his kids to stay with him he needs to go to court to get that agreed. He doesn't need to stay the night with his ex. It's all bollocks.

OldWomanSaysThis · 12/09/2020 16:24

Does he have his own place?

Just keep dating - have separate households, separate lives and date when you both have time. Cut out the work week playing house thing. Just go on dates. He's not emotionally ready for much else.

Don't move in together. He will just bounce back and forth between his two women and get away with it by pleading "...but the children...".

I'm guessing he is a non-confrontational people-pleasing type...

Mumoftwo1994 · 12/09/2020 16:58

@GameChanger02

So, me and the fella have been together just over a year now. Completely in love with eachother just looking at getting our first home together!

But, every single weekend he's with his ex. They've got kids together, he goes to see his kids but just recently its getting longer and longer the time he's out on a weekend. She's always there, she wants him back hes been doing things for her, this is why he's out longer.
Weekends is the only proper time we get together since we both work full time. Recently, hes made me feel like a proper c**t for asking him to miss a day some weekends so we could do something together.

I've been pretty chill through our entire relationship about his ex and kids.. Theyve been on days out as a family, hes stayed over there a few times, she's constantly texting and phoning him. None of this has been a problem for me but I ask for a day every other weekend and I'm the devil in disguse. We have to do it like this because his ex won't allow me to see the kids yet.

Anyway, just looking for advice on what I could do I'm starting to feel like a spare part in my own relationship, an afterthought, I love him to bits but im not sure I can cope with this for much longer.

You might not want to hear this but being a child of a mother like that, the kids are weapons a means to an end to control your partner. You will always have to sacrifice as until they're 18 unless he goes through the courts, this is how it is and I feel so sorry for his girlfriend, they've been together about 9 years now but honestly I don't know how she does it. I guess you have to decide whether to ride it out for a few years or put yourself first as much as it hurts.
Graphista · 12/09/2020 17:06

Oh for the love of fuck!

WHY so many threads people rushing into moving in together?!

You’ve only been with him a year!

In addition he’s taking the piss with the ex situation and quite honestly it sounds like he’s probably sleeping with her, keeping her on the “back burner” as it were and quite possibly misleading her that they may get back together.

And how old are his dc? Because it MUST be very confusing for them him staying over etc

Has he really split up and told her he’s in a new relationship? I’d be double checking that WITH HER

His ex knows we were together and she knows we're getting our own place. she could be in a weird reverse “ow” position - this is actually more common than you might think!

we instantly fell in love with eachother utter nonsense!

Lust can be instant, a crush, love develops as you get to know someone - warts and all

Frankly it seems to clear to me and most pps that

He’s just not that into you!

Cut your losses and dump.

MiaGracie · 12/09/2020 17:18

@GameChanger02 why do women do this?... make a man a victim?...

He's got you both unhappy playing this stupid game and he is getting it the way he wants!
Her reaction is based on the things he is telling her. She is fully aware your together but to her it doesn't matter because he was her's first. That's if you think they are shagging OR
They made an agreement to parent together which they are doing because the children come first and this situation was never going to work for YOU.

So you need to make a plan as how to sort it. You should call her and have a conversation, straight calm conversation to find out if he is filling her with missing her etc.

It's the adult thing to do.

People act as if talking to ex's or the other parent is terrible but how are you to find out what is going on.