20+ years together and it’s getting too hard

[troublingtimes]

I feel very lonely in my long term marriage. We’ve had really bad communication issues. It feels impossible to air any grievances or issues and resolve them and move on. I’m getting more and more depressed. I feel lonely, unheard and downtrodden because I can’t seem to get to the point of being able to say how I feel without being punished for it (sulks and withdrawal). We’ve tried counselling but although it seemed to work initially, the same issues just keep cropping up. I’ve now got my own counsellor who tells me the issue is my low self esteem and that my relationship is unbalanced. Lack of power equality. I’ve been unhappy for a long time. I just want to be heard! For example, my DH got in bed with me early one morning after I’d had a couple of really bad nights sleep and started groping my boobs. I felt unable to tell him to stop in the moment because it’s taken as rejection and leads to atmosphere. I decided to email to say “please don’t grope my boobs in the morning when I’m really tired” and rather than saying “sure. That’s a reasonable request” he becomes sullen and withdrawn and it leads to atmosphere and me regretting even trying to bring it up. How do I communicate a want/need/issue and get it heard in a constructive way?

It doesn't sound like he's going to change OP...

Hi, this sounds pretty grim. The question I’d be asking myself is, how much longer do I want to live like this. Is it unbearable enough to separate? From what you say yr husband isn’t open to change, or doesn’t see the need to change. Sulking, you know, is an extremely effective tool to exercise control.....and he knows it. There seems a serious lack of respect as well towards you. If he won’t meet you halfway in an attempt to solve things, I’d say you are in for more of the same. Depressing thought I’m sure. Good luck.

It’s things like dry humping me from behind when I bend over and it’s in front of the kids. I’m in a rush and trying to get the kids off to school and he’s up behind me grinding into me! Am I being totally unreasonable here? Would anyone else think that’s ok? Then if I say “get off” I’m the one in a mood but I just want to be left alone when I’m in a rush to get out of the house!

If your dp wants to sulk let him. There’s only an atmosphere because you acknowledge the sulking. I’d pretend not to notice and see how long he keeps it up.
And when he’s being sexually inappropriate tell him. Assertively.
You don’t have to put up with this behaviour but he needs to know that.

A sharp elbow backwards into his rib cage should solve that one!

Honestly op, if he becomes sullen & withdrawn, surely that's a good thing . At least he'll keep his hands to himself. Ignore his stupid manchild tantrums, get on with enjoying your day.

Are you sure you want to be with someone so totally disrespectful. What does he add to your life? Do you want your dcs growing up thinking that's ok.

What's stopping you from calling it quits, OP? You're so miserable, and rightly so. You've tried to fix things and it didn't work. What's next?

Would anyone else think that’s ok
Nope that's not OK. I dont think I would stay in a marriage like this. Life is short and you only get one go. Your self esteem would probably be improved by ditching this waste of space.

‘Are you being totally unreasonable?’ - I don’t blimmin well think so!
I would not tolerate that carry on from anyone and how disrespectful towards you. He’s sounds inappropriate in the extreme, with no obvious thought for your feelings at all! Yep sharp kick, no words, hit him where it hurts.

That's disgusting and controlling behaviour, I'd be leaving if it were me.

Thanks everyone.

It sounds unsalvageable. I'd be ending it. You've tried to solve it but he wants things his own way 100% of the time hence the sulking and withdrawing.

It’s dominating behaviour. The sulk when I say I don’t want this behaviour is just painful and hurtful. It’s constant and increasing. It’s now his go to response

@troublingtimes

He’s a controlling sex pest.

You’ve been through counselling and nothing has changed.

You know deep down you are 100% not being unreasonable and the only solution is to leave him.

What’s tour home and financial situation? Can you get him to leave? How old are the children?

be strong x

Perhaps you could talk to your therapist about strategies to ignore his sulking? Personally I’d imagine jn my head tossing him out a 7 storey window but probably doesn’t work for everyone!
And can you plan to leave? No one should have to put up with that.

Agree - controlling sex pest is spot on. Embarrassing and inappropriate.

It'd put me off sex with him full stop.

In the very early days DH had a habit of smacking my bum when he walked past. Couldn't resist. So I started smacking his bum as hard as I could when I walked past him. Soon put a stop to it.

In your shoes I don't think I'd stoop so low as to grind him when he bent down though I'd be more likely to slap him. And just don't 'notice' the sulks and silent treatment. Don't try to make him talk to you. Ignore him and talk to your DC instead.

ofcourse he sulks and withdraws because he knows it works! You admitted here that it makes you anxious and unhappy when he does it! If you arnt going to leave this miserable groper you need to change your responses to his behaviour.
My friend has a similar husband. Not a groper but always using the sulky silent treatment. She isn't leaving because he's very well paid. What she does now is get on with her life with her group of friends and her kids and breezes through his sulks.
She ignores the twat until he gets bored and starts speaking again. She stopped letting it upset her long ago.

Your counsellor is right, your relationship is unbalanced, your DH is a bad partner and a bad parent - humping you in front of the kids is embarrassing at best and abusive at worst.

If you cannot tell him to his face not to touch you when you don't want it, which is, after all, a perfectly normal request in any relationship, then you do need to consider your future, you have no boundaries and you are afraid to impose any because he will sulk.

You cannot carry on as you are, you need to decide whether to set boundaries and endure the sulks, which might perhaps diminish if you stick to your guns, or whether it's time to look for a way out.

Oh OP - that must be awful - I personally couldn't be in a relationship like what you have described 😢

I think his behaviour is sexual and emotional abuse

When there is an imbalance of sex drive in a relationship, particularly when it's not so simple to leave, it can lead to all sorts of resentments. Without knowing your partner, it's difficult to know if he's simply genuinely down or upset at being rejected, especially if it happens all the time and he misses that side of your relationship, or if he's deliberately doing it yo punish you, which is mean and manipulative. Only you can know which one is applicable here.

It’s things like dry humping me from behind when I bend over and it’s in front of the kids.

Why is he doing that in front of the kids? Sounds weird and grim to me.

Tell him you won’t be made to feel bad to deflect from him being shown that he’s being a sex pest. His behaviour is inappropriate and unwelcome and he needs to own it like a big boy.

So he's trained you not to object to his behaviour, by sulking and withdrawing.

Do you think it would be worth trying to 'train' him into different behaviour by ignoring the sulking and withdrawing? By putting your foot down when you feel disrespected and unheard and ignoring his attempts to 'punish' you? If you call him out every single time, and then call him out for sulking or withdrawing?

Do you think it would work, or would it break the marriage? Either way, it may be worth a try. Or leave. Leaving works too.

@troublingtimes

It’s things like dry humping me from behind when I bend over and it’s in front of the kids. I’m in a rush and trying to get the kids off to school and he’s up behind me grinding into me! Am I being totally unreasonable here? Would anyone else think that’s ok? Then if I say “get off” I’m the one in a mood but I just want to be left alone when I’m in a rush to get out of the house!

In front of the kids

Unfortunately a lot of men who watch porn (which is mainly about male dominance/subjection of women) start to act out in some way what they see as it just takes over their brain. In his case it's this abnormal dry humping and expecting you to be sexually available according to his desires. You have my sympathies OP He needs to go for sexual counselling to overcome all this (dont accept any counsellor who normalises porn or tries to make out that you're part of the problem). HE needs to go for this, you're not the issue.