Ashamed of my sister

[Clumpernickle]

Our parents separated over 10 years ago. Mum isn’t interested in meeting anyone new and devotes herself to her grandchildren, my sister’s 2 dcs.

Dad recently told us he’s been dating someone who he’s serious about. They’ve known each other about a year and after lockdown, dad introduced us to her. I like her, she seems kind and most importantly, makes dad happy.

But my sister is absolutely horrible to her. Barely acknowledges her and is bullying dad into ending the relationship. Unfortunately dad has a blind spot when it comes to my sister because she was quite poorly as a child (preemie) although she’s not had any repercussions as an adult. Dad had said he’d try and help her buy a house before he met his new partner but now he’s not sure he’ll be able to afford to after all. She is furious and blames his new partner although I doubt she has anything to do with it.

Frankly I am ashamed of how my sister is behaving. Yes I get that she’s disappointed about not being able to upgrade her house but she currently lives in a nice place albeit smaller than she’d like. I can’t believe that she’s actually putting her selfish needs ahead of dad’s happiness.

Our mum doesn’t want dad to move on either and so between them, they’re making dad’s life miserable. He’s really down about it and I’m worried that the stress is going to get the better of him and he’ll lose his partner because of it. This has happened before with a previous girlfriend and I have to confess that I was also miserable to her and don’t blame her for leaving in the end. But I learnt my lesson because dad was so sad after she left and I felt ashamed of not being a supportive daughter to my dad and wanting him to be happy.

How can I get my sister to see that she’s effectively making dad make an impossible decision. Basically she’s saying it’s her or his partner and I think that’s really unfair.

WWYD?

I think many frank discussions with your Dad will help more than anything. Tell him that you support him in his new relationship and only he can ignore their bullying behaviour.

@RandomMess

I would meet up with your Dad and possibly his partner.

I would be straight with him

"Why are you letting your Ex wife and daughter ruin your happiness? Are they going to look after you in the future"

Why is his partner even meeting your Mum? It sounds a bit enmeshed.

100 % this OP

I know it's hard watching someone you love be treated badly but he's a grown adult, you manage your relationships and let him manage his.

Agree. And the DF stood back, watched so facilitated his own child be abused by her mother. This suited him - self preservation came before protecting his child.

Because he did this - your boundaries are are skewed and your thinking if off kilter. The relationships of grown adults have nothing to do with you - there are 4 people already involved in this - keep well out of it and pay attention to your own emotional life.

Agree. And the DF stood back, watched so facilitated his own child be abused by her mother. This suited him - self preservation came before protecting his child.

I have to admit I do struggle with this. Dad didn’t protect me as much as he should or could have.

I think it's none of your mum's business what your dad does but his relationship with his daughter is important.

Tell your sister she is spoiling all of your lives including her own by siding with one parent over a decision made years ago, and it will only get worse not better if she continues like this. Make it clear how you feel and then detach from her.

Tell your dad what you said and advise him to do the same.

Get on with your lives. You both know she is OK and not struggling to live.. Don't allow her to disturb either of you and move on. She will either keep this hostility up or calm down. You can act accordingly is she does and if she never does then what have you lost ?

I don't understand why your mum's opinions still matter to him after 10 years - why are they even still in touch if she cheated on him! I'd leave them to sort themselves out but would certainly be befriend dad's girlfriend without getting involved in family politics

I don't understand why your mum's opinions still matter to him after 10 years - why are they even still in touch if she cheated on him!

That’s dad all over though. He still feels responsible for mum, when her partner that she left dad for died, dad was the one who helped her through it.