Timing of telling him I want out?

[Seaside1234]

Morning wonderful MNs. I have been on here before about my marriage, and despite everything it’s limped on, but things have come to a head and I want out. I’m worried about how to handle it.

Briefly - together 19y, married 13. 2 DC, 12&7. Own house together. I’m a part-time professional with a v stable job, he’s a freelance creative. He has a background of severe depression. I have recent-ish diagnosis of high-functioning autism and previous significant anxiety disorder. He had an affair 3 years ago, I stayed, we had marriage counselling. They told us to keep communicating and I tried but over time he let that fall away.

In last year - has let me know he has financial problems but usually flung at me when I try to talk if I’m worried about him, has refused to discuss money.

Recently - essentially lost all income in CV. Again, has mostly refused to talk about it. I’ve been carrying all major financial responsibilities for 1.5 y with no agreement or discussion about it. I can afford it but it leaves me little leeway. Lately he’s been out drinking - saying he’s going to do some work, coming home pissed at 3am. I called him on that (which it takes serious courage for me to do) and he flung at me that he’s about to finally lose every penny of income, has tax and debt issues, and has a real prospect of bankruptcy.

I’ve decided I’m done. I want us to separate. But he is in a v precarious mental state (talking about being isolated, being a failure). Am I being unfair to think about separation at this point? How can I best time this? Ironically, divorce would probably solve his financial problems...

Sorry you're feeling so stuck @Seaside1234 My dh also has anxiety and depression, which I really don't want for him obviously. But I feel so unhappy myself and also want out. I have to just plod on and brush my own feelings aside. He says exactly what your dh is saying (isolated, failure etc) and I feel like I can't kick him when he's down. Same as you, two kids 12 and 8, and this just holds me back. If I could wave a magic wand and know everyone would be ok, I'd get the divorce ball rolling today. But it's not that easy. Sorry, no answers, but I know how you feel x

God, you poor thing. I do understand how you feel, but you have to always remember that you cannot take responsibility for anyone else's mental health. He needs to take the reins of his own life. You've done so much for him, and it's not working. You leaving might just lead him to change.

Also, I'd be thinking about the DC. The longer you stay, the more dysfunction they have to witness.

No, you're not being unfair at all. Ultimately you have a responsibility to yourself and your DC, so if its right for you to end the relationship then that's what you should do- you don't 'owe' him by sticking around in a relationship that is clearly making you unhappy. There's never a 'right time', and if he gets wind that you might be postponing this conversation for this reason he might start lurching from crisis to crisis and conveniently never be 'well' enough for you to leave. I know its horrible but you'll just have to sit him down and have the conversation with him. When I was dreading doing similar with an Ex I found it useful to have a few counselling sessions prior to telling him. It allowed me to get straight in my head what I wanted to say and to be prepared for how he might behave. Might this be worth you considering, particularly given his history of stonewalling you?

Do not feel responsible for a man who has already let you down so many times. Was he this worried about your feelings when he had an affair? When he stopped contributing to the household? When he closed up and refused to communicate with you?

It sounds like you have tried for more than long enough and you need to do what's right for you and your children now, and get this waste of space out of your lives. Start getting things in place today.

Thank you, I appreciate the support! One of the reasons I'm done is that his behaviour is definitely starting to look odd to our oldest, who asked me the other day if we were ok. That's a red line for me. I've had a lot of counselling in the past without ever really doing much, just hoping he would change eventually - he's not going to change. I don't think there is any good time. Our oldest has just started high school, and I was hoping I could hold off making a decision until he was a bit more settled, but this is all I can take. So, this weekend I need complete honesty about his financial state, and I need to tell him I want to separate. I feel sick, and so angry and frustrated.

@WakingUp55643 I'm so sorry, it's such an awful place to be. Is your husband getting treatment? As has been wisely said, you can't be responsible for his mental health. I hope things get better for you too x

@Seaside1234 - you've done all you could to make this relationship and to carry your H. I think you can in good conscience walk away from it now. Also, as PP and you have said: this is not a good model for your DCs to grow up with.

Also as you say - there's never going to be a good time. There's always going to be a reason why it might - in that moment - seem more convenient to wait. But I have seen so many posts on MN from women wishing they'd left sooner. I don't think I've seen a single one saying they wished they'd waited longer before leaving.

Good luck, OP.

But I have seen so many posts on MN from women wishing they'd left sooner. I don't think I've seen a single one saying they wished they'd waited longer before leaving
Excellent advice @Dery

Thanks, @Wildwood6!

@Dery that’s a v good point. If it wasn’t for bloody Covid i would feel no significant guilt. I really think I’ve tried all I can. I’ve texted him that we have to talk over the weekend, in person. He came in with shopping bag of stuff for tea, kind of swung it onto the kitchen counter so he didn’t have to come in and even make eye contact with me, and shut himself in our room. Still completely avoiding everything. It’s kind of funny really, it’s so ridiculous. Does he think everything will magically go away?!