BLM and interracial relationship

[2020inhindsight]

I'm black and my DH is white. We've been married 20 years and generally agree on most things and rarely argue. He's very aware that I get treated differently when we are out and about but doesn't want to accept this so gets upset about it and then goes quiet when we come home. He does have depression so I can see that he likes to be anonymous but unfortunately when he's out with me this isn't an option. I've had to live with this all my life so have learned to deal with it and laugh it off and not make a big deal about it but he seems to be getting more and more wound up by it. This has now got to the stage where we rarely go out together. The last time was over a year ago and I don't press him to go out because I know it is hard for him, but now with all the BLM stuff going on its becoming increasingly hard to discuss anything where there is a racial element as he thinks I'm getting too involved with whats happening. I don't think I am and if I told him about some of things I experience on a daily basis, he would be appalled, so I don't share it with him. Is it just that we don't work well together anymore or are other interracial couples having difficult conversations? And if you are, how are you managing it?

and if I told him about some of things I experience on a daily basis, he would be appalled, so I don't share it with him

Would he be appalled for you, or appalled that he now felt uncomfortable? What views on race do/did his family, friends and community have?

Do you have children together?

You shouldn't have to police your experiences to ensure his comfort, which is essentially what's happening here. It's crazy to not go out together because of it.

How is he at talking about other potentially upsetting topics? Is this a particular flashpoint or are there issues with communication in other areas of your marriage? Can you talk through disagreements in general? It sounds like he just wants to stick his head in the sand and not acknowledge the issue, which is hardly being a supportive or loving partner.

At the end of the day, he has chosen the easy option of avoiding having to experience racism by not going out together. As a black person, you unfortunately don't have that option. Can you be with someone who essentially expects you to deal with unpleasant and potentially traumatic experiences on your own and not talk about it? What if you got cancer, would he expect the same then - you go to treatments on your own and try not to mention how you're feeling in case it upset him? That's perhaps an extreme example but I would with that this guy does not know how to be a supportive loving partner through adversity.

why does he think you’re becoming too involved?

it seems like he is making it all about him when you're the one facing the real issues.

It sounds like the issue of racism makes him feel uncomfortable... which world annoy me because you're living it and he can't even listen to it.

I think this comes from a kind of guilt for the history where white people have treated black people very badly.. both in slavery and afterwards.

So .... for many it's easier to act like its not happening. Or they want to believe, it's not that bad for you.

I speak as a black person and I see the discomfort in some white people over these issues.

In a recent experience, a white colleague actually said that a black colleague speaking about his experience of racism was making the team uncomfortable... so he should stop.

If you can't share the issues with him, you need to find another outlet, because he just won't get it.

@PicsInRed we don't have any children. His family have always been nice to me and never had a problem with my race as far as I'm aware. His parents and my parents get on well and our siblings do too.

@RealMermaid we have always communicated well and can normally talk about most things but in the last 4 or 5 years communication has been getting more difficult and he doesn't like to talk about himself