30 years unmarried - breakup

[leaveitbehind]

Hi
ive been lurking for a while and hope for some help. I dont know if its just advice i need but support too. I am leaving OH after 30 years. we never married and have 2 grown children (left home) and some BTL properties in both names.

My OH is a textbook narcissist which is has largely contributed to me having severe mental health issues for over 25 years. Due to this my work history has been erratic to say the least with leaving every job within 2 years due to stress/anxiety/depression. Ive spent many years on very high dosage anti depressants so most of my time has been spent at home raising the children and not bringing any income in I have never claimed benefits and dont think Id be entitled to them.

I feel trapped and dont know what to do. I want to leave but on paper I have property but no money or income. He even cleared our joint bank account when I told him I wanted to leave.
I am totally isolated due to control/depression so have no one to talk through this with. Can anyone relate? Any advice.

He is being very difficult about me leaving, basically I am to leave with virtually nothing after 30 years as 'he is the one that brings all the money in'. Which is something I have had drummed into me for years.

“His opinion, his feelings, his wishes on the subject of earnings or finances don't matter.
The law is the law. You do have rights. Every word out of his mouth is hot air.
Lying to you was part of his control.
Can you stay with a grown dc? Have you looked online at your benefits entitlement?”

This with bells on. Until you have taken legal advice, stop discussing this with him and stop listening to him. Over the years you have come to assume that what he says goes but that is not the case. It’s great that you have the property income coming into to you.

You would have been better protected as an SAHM if you had been married and no-one should ever become an SAHP without being married - there is no common law spouse concept in English law - but the fact the properties are in your joint names will be your salvation.

The emptying bank Acct will show clear evidence of him doing that so you solicitor might be able to help with that.

Personally having been through friends divorce I don’t think the op will lose out in not being married when you weigh up what little more she would have got being married to the cost of divorcing a controlling man who thinks everything is his.

Friends divorce has cost her 4 years of her life and £60,000 and it still isn’t over. He argues over everything and it has taken him nearly 2 years to get to the point of him agreeing to sell a property to split the equity.
Friend is still not sure he won’t change his mind again just before exchange as he has done on several occasions before