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Original poster

Has anyone here been in a refuge/shelter?

27 replies

Trying2Heal · 10/09/2020 16:07

I don't want to go into too much detail as you never know who is reading, but the police have advised me leave my home & seek a shelter or ask the council for emergency housing of some kind. My partner is in a psychotic state and has been so abusive that I've had a mental breakdown. I managed to get a Clare's Law disclosure on him and what I've found shows that he's extremely dangerous. Thankfully my daughter has moved out into her own flat so she is not in danger.

What is it like living in a refuge? I'm already absolutely terrified as a result of the abuse and the idea of sharing a bedroom or something with total strangers is terrifying to me.

Anyone got anythig they'd like to share, good or bad, about what life is like in a refuge?

OP posts:
DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 10/09/2020 16:12

I have lived in 2. One was a room, with a shared living room and kitchen, another was a self contained flat within a larger building.

The women who work there are very knowledgable and supportive.

I enjoyed the time and freedom I had from being in the refuge and made some friends, and still keep in touch to this day.

A few people I know struggled with the rules (having to get permission to stay out overnight, having a curfew, not having guests over) but that's really the only down side.

Good luck op Flowers

BlackLetterDay · 10/09/2020 16:13

The one I was in had fully contained flats with kitchens and bathrooms, it was fine.

Hope you find somewhere safe.

Greeneyes78 · 10/09/2020 16:13

i have, wasn’t too bad at all.

InflagranteDelicto · 10/09/2020 16:14

Yes. Stepping into the unknown was preferable to staying. The unknown was ok. There was a level of support to pick myself up that was invaluable. I credit the refuge with so much.

Original poster
Trying2Heal · 10/09/2020 16:41

@BlackLetterDay. Was it just you or did you take children in with you?

OP posts:
emmyhelly · 10/09/2020 17:06

not me but my sister. she was mostly just relieved to finally feel safe

plantlife · 10/09/2020 18:01

I'm in one now. I was terrified about going to one for so long but it's very safe here. I'll be honest it's hard but more because I'm not used to being away from home, I left in a rush and left almost everything behind, and it's extra stressful with the virus around. I'm missing him a lot too. I think I'd feel like this wherever I was so it's not to do with being in a refuge. The refuge is a very safe comfortable clean space. There's a lot of support. This one has its own bathroom but even if you have to share a bathroom, I don't think any refuge makes you share a bedroom with strangers. You'll have a lock on the door too. Because of virus precautions it's easy to keep yourself to yourself. No-one's mixing. People here seem quiet and it feels safe. There's CCTV in communal areas to add extra safety. It's very hard but also really nice to feel safe.

MyLifeWTF · 10/09/2020 18:06

I have and it was fine, I moved county altogether and had, at the time, a 5 year old. There was obviously times when I felt overwhelmed and missed home like crazy but overall I felt like it was a fresh start.

You dont share a room but you do share kitchens and bathrooms unless you have a self contained place. It does take some time to adjust but you do just get used to it and you have to remember the other women and children are there for the same reasons you are and they all felt the same feelings when having to go there. You can build some lovely friendships. I chose to not get sucked in to the constant talk about DV and ex partners.....that part can be very draining and sometimes you look around and think my goodness some women are so very controlled and abused that they are literally only thinking and talking about their exes.

I ended up staying in that same county 3 years on and honestly the best thing I've ever done.

Thighdentitycrisis · 10/09/2020 18:38

I was in emergency housing for vulnerable people when my child was born. We had fridges in each room and shared kitchens and bathrooms. There was 24 hr concierge and cctv. It was a mixed hostel though run by the council. Was basic but I felt safe.

Dontknowwhyidoit · 10/09/2020 19:13

I have and it was ok, own bedroom with a lock and shared kitchen, bathroom and living spaces. I had a 2 year old son with me and it was a safe space away from my ex but still felt strange living with strangers. If your in danger then it doesn't sound like you have a choice unless you have family who can take you in.

Rgy3250999 · 10/09/2020 19:15

I work in temporary accommodation with the council and although it’s all fairly basic, it should be safe and so much better than the situation you’re currently in. Just remember, it’s a stepping stone, it’s not the end goal. It’s understandable to be afraid of the unknown but I promise it is absolutely fine and you will feel safe and supported.

Original poster
Trying2Heal · 10/09/2020 19:17

@plantlife Thank you so much and congrats on being so brave.
How does one pay for the refuge? Is it very expensive?

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 10/09/2020 19:17

I was in a refuge and felt so safe there. All of us women were from completely different backgrounds but we all got on. Dont be afraid of going to one.

Original poster
Trying2Heal · 10/09/2020 19:19

@MyLifeWTF Thank you for sharing. Did you stay in the refuge long? Did you already have a permanent home to go to afterwards.
I've got v little money due to financial abuse so I'm not sure how much cash the refuges need from you before you can move in

OP posts:
Original poster
Trying2Heal · 10/09/2020 19:19

@madcatladyforever Thank you for sharing. Do they offer you any help with finding a permanent home to go to?

OP posts:
Original poster
Trying2Heal · 10/09/2020 19:19

@Rgy3250999 Thank you.

OP posts:
Redruby25 · 10/09/2020 19:21

When they talk about it being safer to go to one, under what circumstances do they mean? As it seems that pretty much all that go in refuge's are leaving the home they shared with the perpetrator. But what if you have already left? And staying elsewhere.

ManualFlusherSnot · 10/09/2020 19:26

Hi Trying2Heal , I went to live in a refuge when I was 12 with my mum and my sister. It was really nice there. We had our own room with a lock on, and the other areas (kitchen, living room, bathrooms) were shared.
I think that although everyone in there was a little broken, it was such a lovely place to live. People could finally let their hair down. People there were happy because they didn’t have to be afraid anymore, all the ladies in there were really supportive to my mum. It was also really good because there were a lot of other children there.

I wish you luck Flowers

Original poster
Trying2Heal · 10/09/2020 19:27

@ManualFlusherSnot. Thank you so much

OP posts:
plantlife · 10/09/2020 19:31

You don't need any cash to move in. You can get housing benefit to pay for it. There's a small weekly charge to cover electricity, the support, etc but you don't need to pay it before you go. They help you sort out money stuff, apply for benefits etc. You get support with all of that. I left in a rush with almost nothing but don't worry.

MyLifeWTF · 10/09/2020 21:34

@Trying2Heal I wasnt in there very long, just over a month, luckily I had found a job and met some amazing people that helped me settle, I moved out and rented my own place, the refuge dont need you to have money to move in otherwise it would defeat the purpose of escaping to a safe haven.

They really are fab with what they do, they rely on donations but you get a welcome pack which includes toiletries, tinned food to get you by etc and if you have zero then they put things in place such as food banks or food parcels.

You wont go without, many many women turn up with just the clothes on their back.....I was very lucky in that I found work (trying to keep focused) and met people that are still my friends now but there is women who struggle and the refuge do help.

I hope this was helpful, if you are at the point where you are thinking about this, I say just go, it really can change your life. Good luck xx

Original poster
Trying2Heal · 10/09/2020 21:50

@plantlife and @MyLifeWTF
Thank you so much.
It sounds do-able.

OP posts:
Agirlcalled · 10/09/2020 22:58

I fled with two kids and nothing but one suitcase with clothes for them. The staff are amazing. Help you sort all the benefits you are entitled too. They help with finding permanent housing, go with you to appointments. I had a self contained flat in a complex. It's not what you imagined, you will be safe and that's what you need. It's temporary to get everything sorted with support. Don't worry, go if you have been offered space.

rosamacrose · 10/09/2020 23:52

I did it at 59 with just a bag of clothes and no money.
Completely supported both emotionally and for arranging ESA and housing benefit to pay the rent due to the refuge.
They fully supported me in applying for social housing which I found after only 6 months of living with them.
At 64, I am housed, safe and well enough to be in full time employment.
I have my life back thanks to their help.

Do it.

Original poster
Trying2Heal · 11/09/2020 09:55

@rosamacrose So glad things worked out for you!

OP posts:
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