Hi everyone! I'm a single mom.of 3 aged between 20.and 11 and almost a year ago I went on a date with a nice guy, we arranged a second date for the following week and a third for the week after, all going well messaging everyday sometimes chatting on the phone. During these first 3 weeks he went to berlin one weekend and had his 3 boys one weekend, each time sending me photos of what he was doing including some of his sons. Our 4th date was a day long date lots of fun, he arranged activities and an amazing restaurant and we ended up sleeping together before I usually would and we hadn't the chat about exclusivity. I discussed with friends but he seemed so lovely and into me and attentive and thoughtful and came across as very open and honest so i decided not to stress i had no reason to beleive he was anything but into me and always messaging etc. The weekend after he went to his parents with his sons...again sending me pics and in the half term week went to his friends with his boys for a Halloween party again sending me pics. We met at the weekend and slept together again and the week after we had 2 dates and he officially asked me to be his girlfriend. With my ex being difficult and jealous and the pandemic things havent been easy for us but we have never argued, he has always made me feel special and has been thoughtful, attentive kind and caring, taking me away for weekends etc. We didn't meet each others children until July to be cautious but also because of the pandemic and went to cornwall for a week in the summer without children. On this holiday we chatted about when we first met and he mentioned he had been on a date just after our first date and I said so had I. We laughed about it and carried on fine, no harm early days etc.and neither of us dated anyone after our 3rd date. When I got home I went through our old messages as I couldnr remember of my date was after the 1st or 2nd date and didnt want to seem deceptive in any way and was also a little bored! I saw he had stayed at a friends over night after our 2and date who he said was upset and went out with a friend after we slept together but didnt send a photo of who he was with as he usually would either time. I asked him about this and he admitted the friend he stayed over at was a woman he dated and had told me about ... he had met her children by their 2and date but nothing happened she was just a friend and they had decided to be friends by that point and that was all.that happened. And that he really did have just drinks with a guy from work and showed me a photo on his phone from that night of them. I decided to beleive him but then 3 weeks later we were discussing the halloween party he went to with his children and he told me it was at the same womens house he stayed over at ... I was not impressed obviously and went through the messages on my phone and realised he had been with her and her children and had been staying over when he had his children too and twice had been there alone one being the one I knew about...he had been there 3 nights in total after we slept together.
He promised he was telling the truth, said he didnt want to tell me as he realised it looked so bad and at the time I never asked what friends he was at sonhebthkught I must also be dating. He swore he never slept with her, said she had some intimacy issues and there was no spark when they had kissed, which was one of the reasons they stayed friends and he always slept on the sofa as she lived over an hour away he didnt drive home. He said the kids got along and he doesnt have friends with children the same age which is true so was convenient tonmeet together but he deeply regretted introducing them and thats why he was happy to wait /agreed when we met each others children would be over 6 months into our relationship. After lots of questions he finally admitted he was sleeping with her going with his boys to her house, sleeping in her bed and the children knew. they started dating in August , the kids met each other at the end of august and each time he was sending me images of the kids he was with her and her kids who were also in some of the photos as was her house. He also slept with her after he slept with me on 3 nights, with one being 24 hours difference .
I feel in shock and have turned to friends for advice and had mixed reactions.
Some say hes a liar, he promised he was telling the truth repeatedly and he wasnt, he made up bigger exaggerated lies, I had to keep asking him to tell the truth because his story didnt make sense. He treated her terribly and was disrespectful to me, her and all the children.
Some say he wasnt in an exclusive relationship with either of us( as far as I know he said he never had the talk with her), has been faithful and a great boyfriend since so i should forgive his actions last October as it wasnt cheating..on me anyway! ).but have to work out how I feel about the lies.
We are both upset and I have said some horrible things. He has admitted he was callous and selfish and it was a mistake to go with his boys to hers at all but he was messed up from his divorce, a previous gf cheating on him.and breaking his arm and being stuck in for 3 months alone unable to drive or work and hardly able to see his boys as his ex doesnt drive..he was living in a 1 bedroom flat and his mental health wasnt great so.the days out ith the children that started as more friendly developed into a sexual relationship and he never meant to hurt anyone and had no idea in october how much I would mean to him as our relationship developed and lots of other declarations of love. He said he and her weren't exclusive and he didnt end things when he should have because of the children, he bonded with her autistic son and always planned to end the relationship after the halloween party as he promised his children they would go and they were looking forward to it.and he thought it would be kinder than cancelling especially for me when he wasnt sure at the time I wasnt seeing anyone or wanted to be exclusive
What he chose to do is horrible
To me
To her
To the children
It makes me question his morals
I cant stop thinking about him having sex with me one night and her the night before.
I do accept we werent exclusive but I really thought he was a better kind of man ...I never suspected other women because he was so available...and sending pics of kids meant I never would have guessed he was basically already in a relationship and with her and with his children
He was also messaging me kiss emojis and gifs saying I was amazing and he booked a weekend for us in the malverns while at her house, all of that combined makes me feel those first few weeks I should feel so sweet about are now sour and hurtful.and he is capable of quite deep deceit
Even though I know he did not have to answer honestly about the halloween party I also think.at some point surely one of his boys may have said something so being deceptive in august when directlunasked about his relationship with her was also wrong .
I don't feel I can trust him and I'm not sure I can look at him the same way or be intimate but also miss him so much and am upset as I had started to feel this was potentially a life.long relationship we were such a good match
Has anyone any advice or experience dealing with such a horrid situation ?