Guilt over stupid things

[ellejay33]

I’m In my 30’s, married with a kid. I cannot stop feeling guilty about absolutely everything. Especially with regards to family and friends. For example my mum made a cake at the weekend for a family members birthday. None of us ate any as there was another dessert (no idea why) that she served after dinner. I found out she had to throw the cake away and now I feel really guilty? The cake wasn’t for me so I don’t know why I feel bad plus I’m trying to lose weight so probably wouldn’t have had any anyway. I just feel really bad that she went to effort and no one ate it.

This happens with loads of little things that no one else would even give a 2nd thought to. Mainly to do with my parents. Like if they recommend a tv show that I’m not bothered for , I’ll watch it cos I feel bad. Or if they invite us to do something I very rarely say no even if I’m too tired as I don’t want to hurt their feelings.

Pretty sure my mum wasn’t too fussed about the cake but I’m sat here feeling bad for her??

I need someone to give me a slap.

I know what you mean. I feel it sometimes, like if I don't want something someone bought for me to eat. I didn't ask for it, I didn't want it, but the obligation to eat it has passed to me. Now I'm the bad guy.

But it's not true.

Sounds like in your case you're just worried about your parents. Are they getting older? Are you worried they feel sad? Are you scared they're lonely?

Also do you feel sorry for them?

Sounds like in your case you're just worried about your parents. Are they getting older? Are you worried they feel sad? Are you scared they're lonely?

^^this definitely applies to me. My mum is old, my dad has already passed away and I’m busy and feel guilty, see her twice a week for 6 hours a time doing what’s he loves doing, but still feel guilty. I think it’s normal?

Has it anything to do with how you were treated or expected to act as a child?

@Ilovetheseventies I had a great upbringing but think I try too hard to please people. Especially family. I just want to do everything I ‘should’ all the time. It’s exhausting!

Not sure what you can do about it, at least you are realising it's exhausting. It may just be Yr personality.
I'm not saying blame it on Yr childhood but even with a great upbringing parents can be manipulative even in a nice way.
They may have high expectations of you etc etc or good role models for helping others.
Maybe it's not guilt maybe it's alot of empathy.
Perhaps you could channel it into something else.

A lot of women are brought up believing that we need to look after everybody and put everyone else first.

Were you ever a Brownie? I was and at 7 years old I pledged to "think of others before myself and do a good turn every day". The indoctrination started early!

Obviously, it's good to do a 'good turn every day' but to always think of others before yourself? Why?

It's why there are so many women who stay in crap (not abusive, just crap) relationships and try to make everything right. It's not innate - we're taught it.

I read a 'being a good friend' matrix at school a few years ago. I don't remember the details, but a few aspects required a child to reject their own boundaries and prioritise others. So we still do it and it was a matrix largely used with girls.