Sex after rape - trigger warning. Mentions sexual abuse.

[itsthekey]

Sorry for starting another thread about this. Was just wondering if anyone here would be comfortable sharing their experience of sex with a new partner for the first time after sexual assault? I was sexually assaulted many times by my ex. Hadn't had many sexual partners before this. I've met someone lovely and would like to have sex with him. I'm very nervous and will never rid myself of the memories of sexual assault. Can anyone possibly share how they approached this with a new partner? How much you told them? How open you were about it?

I didn't actually tell my boyfriend until months after we got together, so can't help with that side of things sorry, I think I was still sort of in shock as I met DP a couple of months afterwards so still very soon and I hadn't really addressed it.

Looking back I'm surprised by how unaffected I was when we got together, I would've expected to have had a much harder time. I think perhaps subconsciously I felt comfortable going on a date with him because he looked nothing like the man who raped me, and he doesn't actually fit my normal 'type'. He was also very gentle and calm and relaxed, and to this day the angriest I've seen him is when he got stung by a wasp.

I only told him when I got pregnant, as pregnancy and the interactions with other people and emotions that come with it threw up a lot of things I hadn't addressed since it happened. He was very upset for me, shocked that he didn't know for so long, and wanted to know if there were things he should or shouldn't do during sex etc to make sure I continued to feel safe.

There was only one time I had an unusual reaction, and it was when we were cuddling in bed and he had my leg between both of his and just squeezed it. It wasn't particularly hard, but I was suddenly filled with such fear and a feeling of being trapped which completely took me by surprise.

I would say go slowly, be patient with yourself, and trust that if your new boyfriend is kind and lovely and trustworthy then he will be slow and patient and gentle with you, and let you set the pace and what you're comfortable with. You don't have to go into details all at once if you don't feel comfortable with it, you could just say that you've had previous unpleasant experiences with an ex and so want to take things slow/don't want to do X or Y etc.

I hope you have a safe and wonderful experience getting to know your new partner

Can't help but bumping for you x

Hi, I was in a sexually abusive relationship which ended almost 4 years ago and was also raped when I was a teenager.

I think the best thing you can do is talk to your new partner if you feel you can, also discuss what you like and don’t like before doing the deed. I have had a couple casual partners since my ex, one I didn’t tell and he ended up doing something that made me freak out due to my past, once I explained it to him he was very understanding.

“How is sex now, post abuse?” I find it a bit tricky until I feel comfortable with someone, I need to trust them (which is hard when I have huge trust issue), so the first few times are always a bit awkward. I think I struggle more with the relationship side of things than I do the sex, I often put up a wall and hold back from feeling anything emotional.

So I would talk to him, explain about your past, take things slowly and also discuss what you would and wouldn’t enjoy (any triggers).

In a word, Compartmentalisation.

I had decided that they were things that had happened to me, they weren't me and I wasn't going to let the arsehole that did those things take my right to decide what to do with somebody else and for me to enjoy doing so. He wasn't taking that part of me/my mind because it wasn't ever his to take.

I could say yes, I could say no, I could stop altogether. Because DP wasn't my ex. Took about the third night/second weekend together (having turned him down previously, which he completely respected without requiring any explanation) before things got amazing instead of just good, and it's been like that ever since.

You could see if there is anything you could change about the location or environment you're in so there are fewer potential triggers - different bedlinen/pillows/etc if you're living in the same place, different music, different clothes, bubble bath - but when it comes down to it, you get to make the choice whether to tell him, whether to participate, whether to stop and whether you want to continue.

It's your decision. Make the decision you want, not one somebody else thought they would make for you - or one you think you should make for somebody else's benefit. Your Decision. Your Choice. Your Consent - or not