coping with really low self esteem and jealousy

[crochetmonkey74]

This is me- and I'm worried I am going to ruin my relationship because of it. I've had a rough few years, bereavement, big changes in career and life generally. have felt quite depleted for a while.
I have always had low self esteem - result of childhood blah blah blah

I am in a really great relationship with someone who loves me yet I am consumed with worrying about him fancying other people, in real life but also to the point of becoming anxious about what TV programmes we watch in case he really fancies someone in them. Before I get flamed , I know this is bonkers, I hate the thought process that leads to it. I keep all of this from DP- have never mentioned it as I know it is unacceptable. I am doing an online CBT course and am on a waiting list for a session with a therapist to help me unpick it. I was just wondering if anyone here has had the same and any resources they used to help them get over it?

You also need to talk to your Dp about your fears. Not so that he can constantly reassure you, but that he can understand your thinking and help with your mental health.

Yes tornado thank you, I think you are right- I've been bit worried about this as I feel like I don't want him to have to change or take it into account, so that I keep clear boundaries that it is disordered thinking on my part.

I am exactly the same and it's nearly ruining my marriage.
I'm so jealous of him even speaking to women.
I tried counselling which helped in a way as we worked out it's to do with my father leaving when I was small.
However it hasn't really helped change my way of thinking.
Sorry I'm not much help but I just wanted u to know you're not the only one feeling this way

Has he behaved in any way to make you feel like this OP?

I wonder if he's ever done something that made you mistrust him?
Sometimes we sabotage a relationship and pick at things when not completely happy, just another perspective that it's not always your fault.
If he's never caused a concern then you are doing the right thing with your course.

I think it’s great that you recognise that this issue is about your own mental health/illness and are trying to resolve it.

I am unsure if telling him is a good idea. Because I can only put myself on the receiving end of this, and I would feel a certain pressure if my husband told me he was so jealous it had got to the stage he even worried about tv programmes in case I fancied someone.

I’d reassure him but the honest truth is it would make me feel deeply uncomfortable and make me partly responsible. And there would be nothing I could do, because it’s a mental illness.

I think continuing to focus on getting healthy is the way forward here to be honest.

polly This could be my story but my dad left a bit later after years of obvious multiple infidelity but gaslighting my mum to the point of literal mental illness and suicide attempts. Then a very similar toxic relationship for me in my 20s and early 30s where I would suspect, find out the other women and then stay (I know- I'm an idiot)
Baby no, he hasn't , he's a really decent person- his friends are a little bit more immature and none have really settled down, they are more vocal about commenting if they find a waitress attractive (not in front of partners) but on messages etc He is a lovely person and we have this lovely life and I am so scared of ruining it!

Sometimes we sabotage a relationship and pick at things when not completely happy

ooh this rang a bell- sometimes I feel like life would be easier for me if I was just on my own - I think this is to do with control and not wanting to be hurt (I felt like when I lived alone not in a relationship I was safe and in control and could make sure I wasn't hurt)

I’d reassure him but the honest truth is it would make me feel deeply uncomfortable
Exactly this and also, he should not have to make allowances - and I worry this would 'legitimise it' and we have then accepted what could be controlling behaviour - at my worst I feel like whatever he would do would never assuage the anxiety and I don't want him to have to try.