I know this is probably just ridiculous but since having lots of time to think during lockdown I have become more and more upset about my dm. I've always been a bit of a people pleaser (which I'm trying to change) and tend to put others feelings before my own. I've never felt very close to dm but seem to have this need for her approval and always seem to worry what she will think whenever I make any big decisions. I don't even know why I do it as she always seems to disapprove of every choice I make.
As a slightly chubby teen she would buy me clothes I liked a size to small and tell me I would "shrink into them". When I was pregnant with my oldest I was told that I should get an abortion and when I didn't that I should never expect any help. I turned to her for help when I was being abused and got told I wouldn't be able to afford to do it on my own so I should stay. I have since left I'm now completely on my own with my children and I have never had any help but my parenting gets commented on. To rub salt in the wound my sibling gets constant help with their children. Even to the point when I was desperate for help as I needed to rush one of my children to the hospital she said to ask a neighbour as she had her other grandchildren.
She also very clearly doesn't like one of my children and it breaks my heart. I don't know what I'm asking and feel like I'm blowing this out of proportion as I've never really given it any thought before and now it's really getting to me. Does anyone know how I can stop feeling this way and just go back to not worrying about it?