How has this happened?

[WorldsSmallestViolin]

There wasn't a lot of love in my home growing up and I've never had a relationship in which I've been loved.

I had some rubbish relationships in my late teens and early 20s including marrying a man in my mid 20s knowing that we didn't love each other. On reflection, I can explain these as being due to my experiences with my family.

After we split up, I was single and had years of counselling and therapy and did a lot of work on myself. I'm unrecognisable as that person I was and I can see that quite clearly. I'm more confident, I take better care of myself, I have better boundaries, friends, a good job, hobbies etc... I'm not perfect but, on paper, I think I'm a good catch and I am reasonably attractive.

I have met several men over the past few years and dated a few. Most didn't go beyond a few weeks of dating when I realised that they weren't the sort of man i wanted to be with. I have had 2 or 3 relationships of several months including a relationship of almost a year but it was clear they didn't love me and never would do. So i ended them too.

Last year, I met a man through friends who seemed to have real potential and I thought that the 'becoming the best version of myself' approach and not actively looking had finally worked. He was kind, thoughtful, respectful, compassionate, no red flags... yet we have been together for a year now and he doesn't love me either.

All of these men have previously been in long term relationships and either married or co-habited so the issue isn't that they are incapable of love or relationships. They were decent men with careers, friends, full lives no issues with drugs or alcohol - just normal men. No immediate red flags and none have been in 'complicated' situations with exes or other women. The current one is no different. I usually see him every weekend for most of the weekend and, for the first time, I have found myself not wanting to see him this weekend because he doesn't love me and it is starting to show. He's made no claims of loving me and whilst he has treated me well until now, there are signs of disrespect creeping in that I recognise as being symptomatic of this. So I'm going to end it. I am content for there to be no love (I've never known any different) but once there is no respect either, it's time to go.

They all liked me but none fell in love with me or loved me.

How can I have reached my mid 40s without anyone having loved me?

Have you ever heard of love languages? It might be worthwhile exploring your own and maybe actively try to choose someone who has a high chance of meeting those needs with their personality (if that makes sense)

Yes. I scored highly on words and touch.
I've dated men who also scored highly on one, other or both of those but they still didn't love me.

And the man I'm currently seeing would score highly on 'service' and he does things for me. But he doesn't love me. At least he is honest about it, I suppose.

Readandwalk

I'm sorry for your loss . I think I'd feel similarly if I'd also been loved previously.

Sometimes I feel sad about it, sometimes it doesn't bother me and sometimes I'm just incredulous as to how it can have never happened when (as has been pointed out to me before) some women fall in love with men on Death Row.

Embrace yourself. Love yourself.

Maybe you’re meant to be with you. Finding the sweet spot of what you are will maybe stop you worrying about not being lovable.

Love is relative and a construct but it doesn’t need work to happen, it just happens. Don’t worry about it, it will find you when you’re not expecting it. If you constantly look for it, you’ll never see it.

Worrying outwardly about it, even unconsciously, will make you something you’re not. Let people fall in love with you. Not the woman desperately trying to be loved.

I get that bit, like I say, I was happily single for a couple of years before meeting this man. I wasn't looking. I dont obsess over it and I've got a full and happy life.

The advice when people ask about letting someone on here is either sit back and wait for it to find you, you won't find it if you're looking or dating is a numbers game, date as many men as possible.amd be clear about what you want. These seem to be diametrically opposed to me!

But the issue isn't finding someone new or meeting someone. It's trying to understand why none of the men I've ever met or dated have loved me.t

Maybe those men are incapable of love. Most people struggle to give real love to others. Lots of egos about. It's a human problem.

In light of your upbringing and bad relationships in the past, it’s great that your recent relationships have been relatively healthy, respectful, being treated well, even if they didn’t lead to love. And that you’ve ended them when this has changed or its become clear they don’t love you.

Being single is fine, but wouldn’t rule out future relationships!

@WorldsSmallestViolin Have you ever read anything about attachment theory? I did and it was quite illuminating about my attachment style but what was also interesting was what it said about why we have such a need to 'pair up'. All to do with how in cavemen time, two is always better than one for survival and though those times seem so long away, in the scheme of things, it really isn't so that evolutionary instinct if you want to call it that is still very much there (and in theory, if the world goes to shit tomorrow, you are still more likely to survive as a pair than a single). Which explains why you can be perfectly happy single but still feel that need to 'couple up'.

FWIW, I'm 43 and recently met someone who is smitten with me and vice versa and we are having an amazing time together. I cannot believe I can feel this way about someone at my age (and he's older!). I'm not sure things will last (there are practicalities with our lifestyles that I think in the long term will not work) but I am enjoying it so much. And I met him through an app and I don't think our paths would ever have crossed otherwise. So though the apps can be dire, it can also bring some amazing people into your life if you are open to it. Equally, I could have dismissed him as someone not suitable for me from day 1 but I haven't because I do have the attitude that tomorrow is never promised to us so I am happy to live each day as it is. C'est la vie. Hope this helps.

@WorldsSmallestViolin P.S. Meant to say that I felt so much better after I read about the whole primal instinct to pair up for survival thing as I always wondered why if I felt so content and happy being single, why I still want to find a special someone? I always kinda saw it as a 'failing' on my part but knowing it is biological/evolutionary, I felt much better. It all makes sense but I needed a book to tell me to my face!

I’ve had to do a huge amount of work on myself too and have been part of a healing group for 4 years.
Something that is always apparent with every person and every issue they’ve faced - it always comes back to early childhood trauma, mostly around the parents.

I’d suggest looking into some inner child work, working on how she feels, focusing then on the type of relationship you wish to manifest, as ultimately you’ve manifested the same type of man again and again.
Therefore to energetically resonate on a different level with a different type of person, you have to change something within you.

You are lovable, there is nothing wrong or broken with you. That’s the first thing to change and really believe

Have you had therapy or talked to anyone about your relationship with your mother? That sounds like it could be at the heart of your feelings - either your behaviour in a relationship or your interpretation of why your relationships have not been loving.

How can I have reached my mid 40s without anyone having loved me?
This sounds as if you think that's uncommon. I'm not so sure. I haven't had such crappy-sounding partners as you - even my cheating exh sounds better tbh - but I can't say they really seemed to care about me, specifically. And I know that I've been pretty lucky with my partners compared with many women my age (51).

The bf I am with now is the most loving in his actions (kind, thoughtful), but doesn't believe in romantic love. He's definitely not besotted with me; but he does seem to like and respect me, though - would that be enough for you?

Hi OP, I can resonate with some of your post. I have had a few ‘relationships’ with men who were unavailable emotionally to me though they went on to meet other women. When each ended, they indirectly said they never saw it as a long term thing and hasn’t meant to mislead me. I don’t know what type of vibes I was giving off but my self esteem was on the floor. On reflection, I tended to be attracted to a certain type of man, older who seemed together, no ties, professional.
I went on to meet someone and had kids but I settled. As I get older, I wonder if I am unable to love someone, I certainly have attachment issues. I don’t make friends easily and if I sense they are getting bored in my company, I stop meeting them. I don’t confide in them and to be honest I probably don’t trust people and it shows. I grew up having things thrown back in my face and I am very wary of people. I suppose that is obvious to others and they know, even before I do myself, that I have a barrier up.