I hate my husband.....there I’ve said it finally!

[Divorcinganarcissist]

After 14 years married and probably for the 13 years of those I didn’t want to be married to him. He abused me in every kind of way. I’m now 1.5 years free of him (apart from all the court cases ), one breakdown 2 small children, living with family and broke but I can finally say with connection in my head and heart that I hate the fucker!

The guy wrenching guilt he had me tied up in has finally gone, my PTSD is reducing and now I just hate him. I feel so relieved to be able to hand on heart say it was all his fault and I hate him! I also feel stronger because I’ve been below the bottom for a long time and I know he put me there!

Have you checked out lisa r romano, meredith miller inner integration and stephanie lyn coaching on youtube. Im sure he deserves to be hated! But these youtubers helped me know how to play things, when to drop the rope etc..

I will definitely have a look. Right now I need to acknowledge the hate that I was never allowed to acknowledge. For example if I didn’t want sex and you had a problem with that then that is your problem and not mine because I’m allowed to not want it. I was never allowed to process why I didn’t want sex, he called me names and told me I had a problem when all along the problem was I hated him!!! He would continually ask me why I don’t love him enough, why didn’t I make his lunches for work....because I hated him...and so on and so on!! I thought I was just a rubbish person!

I think it is really liberating to be able to hate for a while, and let all those feelings out so they can’t tie you in knots any more. I suspect the feeling will dissipate after a while, and you can move on to other more positive emotions x

Yes it is liberating to let go of the little women walking around on eggshells doing my best to be as inconspicuous as possible so as not to do or say the wrong things. All the while harbouring these feelings of hate that I turned in on myself.

It'll feel so good to finally direct the hatred in the right direction... his! Not to sound patronising but that's a huge step forward. He sounds like an utter arsehole!

Yay, roll with it OP. x Glad your PTSD is a bit better.

Are you divorced now?

So sorry to hear there are court cases etc. Sounds like he was a monster. xxx

No we are still fighting the divorce, he won’t agree to anything and has made him self practically bankrupt the past year on purpose.

Oh I hear you @Divorcinganarcissist and it never loses its gloss. For 5ive years i got into bed every night thinking "thank god he's not in it".

X

The pete walker audio book on c ptsd v good.
I didnt think i actually had ptsd but my parents did a number on me too so i could recognise my behaviors in his descriptions. Im freeze/fawn.

I can see after reading book that a cousin of mine is fight / fawn. It was an interesting book.

@WiserOlder I’ve had a skim of that book and it spun my head. I am a freeze/fawn also. The more shit the he gave me the more I tried to please him. I tended to just stand there and watch him shouting and screaming at me and I couldn’t move. Sometimes I think it was good I never fought back because he was very aggressive. Now I often find myself annoyed I let him treat me so bad and I in return did all I could to please him and get back in his good books. All along though he was just playing a game. I really can’t stand him anymore. He wants to me friends...never going to happen.

Ha! Friends! I bet he wants to be friends. You met all of his needs without ever getting your own needs met for years so I bet he will try for "friends".

He probably thinks he can manipulate you in to that.

Stay strong. Well done on getting to this point. It isnt easy 🍷

He is a sociopath, he probably has many friends in his own head he can turn to.

“Friends” is code for carrying on doing all his shit and putting up with his moods and being at his beck and call, whilst he does nothing but the bare minimum in return? X

He wants to be “friends” so that he can f**k up any potential new partner and so he can continue with his visitations of the kids when ever he can be bothered. Not happening as I am taking that to court also. I’m not having him just turn up whenever and dictate my life.

Ride your hatred, OP, let it empower you, and let yourself vent all the repressed anger from those years of abuse. It will be cathartic.
But I hope it will eventually resolve, leaving you at peace. It would be great if you can finally reach a point where your abuser lacks any power to affect your feelings at all - that you can feel complete indifference to him. At that point, you will be enjoying your life, family and friends, and he will be utterly irrelevant. Nothing would annoy him more- narcissists can’t bear not to be centre stage - but it will be your final confirmation of victory and freedom.
Good luck with your journey of healing and resolution.

It’s sad really because I do kind of feel bad for hating him because he is so very childlike and it’s like hating a small boy ( a strong angry one). I have some of the arguments from his solicitor and they are just sending his words and he sounds like a small child. It’s almost to sad to reply to his emails with grown up words.

I think it's great that you are going through these emotions and finally feeling or getting back to yourself. It will pass and the next best thing even better than hate is indifference. Hate is still hard work and takes a lot from you too. Indifference however, is totally liberating. Even more so than hate. Good luck. You have come a long way, it can only get better for you and your DC.