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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help. AIBU here....ex husbands...Arghhhhhh!!!

31 replies

JessicaSha21 · 08/09/2020 20:31

Split with my EXH 2 years ago. It's been relatively amicable although he'd moved in with someone else within 3 months so that was difficult. He's not very good with the whole communicating thing. I asked him to tell me if he was going to introduce his gf to my daughter. He promised he would but then didn't. Asked him to tell me if she was moving in - he didn't. That's all done now so no point in worrying.

Recent issue. Our daughter started secondary school recently. We share the pick ups between us although I'm office based and he wfh so I really rely on him. Today my daughter out of the blue asks me how she's going to get home when daddy is on holiday. Holiday!? Called him and yep he's booked to go away for 7 nights from Thursday with his girlfriend.

My dilema now. Our area is on the verge of a local lockdown. News this evening saying it will be within days. This means I can get no help with childcare as my daughter won't be able to go into her grandparents house. I have to work still. I don't want to stop them going but I feel a bit like he should be putting her first and not go.

What do u think?

OP posts:
Kimbo180 · 08/09/2020 20:41

I was a single parent shes (25) now. When she was your daughers age she traveled to and from school with friends. When i was in work one of my neighbours kept an eye on her till i was home. Was only couple of hours. Maybe your neighbours could watch her

londongirl12 · 08/09/2020 20:41

You can't stop him, but I'd be giving him an earful as to why he hasn't thought about his daughter

MilleBee · 08/09/2020 20:56

Thanks both. I definitely can't tell him not to go because I'll in the bad books big time. I guess I just don't understand the mentality behind booking a week away and not thinking about your daughter. Baffles me.

Kimbo180 · 08/09/2020 21:00

This is the way i looked at things "if you dont depend on him you wont get disappointed." I done a great job meself with the help of family and friends x

Chchchchangesarecoming · 08/09/2020 21:04

Innocently ask him what arrangements he’s put in place to over his days. Not to trick him but to make v clear it’s his bloody problem and to tell him that your surprised he hasn’t already told dd what the arrangements are as she’s told you she’s worried. You may well end up sitting it but put the ball in his court first.

Chchchchangesarecoming · 08/09/2020 21:04

*sorting it.

cheerup · 08/09/2020 21:08

He's a git for not thinking of her but if she is at secondary school she is probably OK on her own for a few hours until you get home. My two 11 and 14 are on their own every day until I get home at 6 - 6.30.

Chchchchangesarecoming · 08/09/2020 21:08

Your not his wife any more. If he drops that ball you don’t swoop in to sort you treat him like the adult he supposedly is and expect him to step up:

  • what arrangements have you put in place? None. Oh well, you have to Thursday to sort let dd know.
  • can’t you just cover? Hmmm, well what have you already looked into - you know I have meetings over that time.
  • can’t you just do it this time. I’m not sure, maybe as a back stop, what have you already looked into?

Treat him like you would anyone else. He’s ballsed this up for DD not you and if you always swoop in he’ll never fucking bother. Needs to learn it’s his responsibility and it’s less bother to engage brain than come to you.

Kimbo180 · 08/09/2020 21:27

I wouldnt even say anything to him. I would just say let me know the arrangments for when ur home. No point in causing drama over it. hes still goin to go.

CatEatCatWorld · 08/09/2020 21:33

Will schools still be in if lockdown?

MilleBee · 08/09/2020 22:05

Thanks all. I don't want to cause a drama and know that I need to keep myself in check over it. I just find it exhausting tbh.

We haven't been told if schools will close. I really hope not as I'd be in a realy difficult situation then.

Nicketynac · 08/09/2020 22:17

We are in an extra lockdown area and children are still allowed into another house for childcare - double check the rules in your area.
No advice on ex though, at least your daughter knows he has let her down.

Kimbo180 · 08/09/2020 22:18

Ya try not stress over him and her. You just focus on yourself and your child your daighter see him for what he is as tine goes on xx

category12 · 08/09/2020 22:30

I think you're dreaming if you think you can tell him not to go.

MilleBee · 08/09/2020 22:48

I've not told him not to go at all. It's not my place. Still frustrating though. Booking a week away without even mentioning it....

General advice here is to just let it go and I'd agree. Anything for a quiet life! 😂

kissmysass · 08/09/2020 22:59

So were you expecting him to cover childcare on all those days as he's working from home if you can't use grandparents? If so, seems a bit unreasonable, it isn't his fault you're in the office. He should put something in place for the days he would have had her and you need to sort work or other arrangements for what would have been your days.
As a year 7 a lot of children are ok to stop at home for a few hours after school until mum/dad get home.

MilleBee · 08/09/2020 23:14

No just the days he usually covers. I don't mind that he's going. It's just that he didn't say anything. The flight is on Thursday....

I just wish I'd been told so I could figure something out. He's just kind of assumed I'd cover it.

I guess i just don't understand a parent booking a holiday and not even thinking about what's going to happen with their child when they are not around.

I have started leaving my daughter on her own.. When I pop to the shop etc. 2 hours atm is too much but we will get there. Quickly I think given how independant she's become after only 4 days of comp!! HahHa.

Techway · 08/09/2020 23:20

Do you know where he is going? Given more countries being added to quarantine..could add to your woes.

I completely understand how it's difficult to comprehend lack of care for your daughter. I have the same situation where Ex fought for extra contact but constantly drops contact as everything else is a priority.

He isn't thinking if his daughter and you can't make him a good parent. Can yoyr daughter get home herself?

Kimbo180 · 08/09/2020 23:36

So he probly doesnt feel.the need to communicate with you because ur daughter is fine with it if that makes sense. How long is the girlfriend on the scene and can i ask in a nice way why do you want your daughter to meet her?

MilleBee · 09/09/2020 20:03

Sorry perhaps a confusing first post. I don't mean that my daughter hasn't met her. I meant that I ask to be told if she was going to be introduced. He promised to do that but then didn't. I just found out from my daughter thag she's met her and that she was moving into the house.

MilleBee · 09/09/2020 20:10

I understand that my daughter is fine with it and I'm glad of that. She's very comfortable in both homes and that a real bonus. I guess I just find it hard to understand him booking a holiday and not mentioning it. Especially since during that week he was due to collect her from school. That's just the normal schedule. He share 50/50 access. Would just have been nice to be asked if I could sort her for the whole week instead of it just being assumed.

I work full time in quite a high pressured job. Am in the Fire Service so things are a bit chaotic atm. Especially as the area is due to go into lockdown on Friday.

Thanks everyone for the responses though. They really are appreciated x

LilyLongJohn · 09/09/2020 20:24

Of course he's an idiot for not telling you. He sounds similar to my ex, he'd introduce our dc to various gf way too early and has moved in with two already and we've only been split 6 years! He'd do similar regarding holidays etc, no amount of me trying to talk to him would change it. I learnt just to be the bigger person and accept that he'd be flaky. Now our dc are older and more self sufficient it's much easier for me. Trouble is, because of this, he now take more of an interest.

MilleBee · 09/09/2020 20:33

It is much easier now that she's a bit older. Won't be long and I'll be totally happy with her being at home alone. Not yet though as she's a little nervous about it and I don't want to push her into it.

He's called me this eve and said that he wants me to decide if he should go or not. No way! We have been told now that we can't travel out of the local area apart from to go to work. Not my call to make.

It hurts u know that he's moved on so quickly. I just need to make sure that my actions are not based on my emotional upset over the split. 2 years later and I'm still not quite there. Stupid I know.

Thanks for responding 😊

Kimbo180 · 10/09/2020 14:53

Yeah i totally get what u mean. Im not a judging type of person in his eyes he has moved on so.theres no need to for you to know anything about his life just his child.. i sense you still havnt got over the split maybe? Took me a while aswell i was 16 and pregnant at the time.. and i havnt spoke one word to him in 25 years....But you should deffo move on urself will do you the world of good for your own sake xxxx

Kimbo180 · 10/09/2020 15:04

And he went on to have 2 more children. But my mental health was so much better not having to deal with him i let his mother do all the arranging when he wanted to see her which wasnt very often. Youl get there yourself just takes time and a lot of tongue biting.

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