separate lives... divorce?

[hellodelilah]

My husband and I live separate lives and have done so prior to getting married 5 years ago. We love each other, there is affection and kindness, and he has many qualities I want in a spouse. The problem is that we have no shared hobbies or shared goals. Not planning on kids. He feels like a roommate that I occasionally hook up with.

The only thing he wants to do together is TV, movies, and occasionally sex. I love and crave spending time with him but find TV very unfulfilling. I have suggested many different things together, even picking things from his passion of video games, and no change. I recently spent an evening with a platonic friend and we worked on a shared hobby together and it was so nice to share an experience with someone. I want a partner to share my life with.

Currently we only spend the dinner hour together on weekdays watching tv, and on the weekends we'll spend a couple hours together watching tv or a movie. Other than that our lives are completely separate. I'm ok with us having separate passions, but he has rebuffed all my attempts to find something in common.

We also have different long term goals. I want to travel, explore, adventure. I have done a lot of that while with DH but alone, and lonely. He wants to buy a giant mancave in a suburb and never leave home. We have compromised by renting in an adventurous city. He never leaves the apartment and I explore the city solo. We are both sacrificing some of our dreams to be together.

As to how we got into this mess - we fell in love too young, grew apart, but still love each other so have stayed together.

Almost as long as we've been together, I've fantasized about finding him cheating on me so we can break up and have it be his fault. He is a great guy and our relationship is ok. I have single friends that would kill for my boring roommate/husband situation.

Any thoughts, similar stories, or advice would be appreciated.

You’re obviously not satisfied. I think as there are no children involved you would be probably happier with somebody more like minded. You can still get together to be friends and watch a movie once a month

I guess it’s bothering you a lot. Maybe tell him how much it affects you - that you’re thinking of splitting. Tell him how important it is to you to do something together. If he’s willing, maybe do some counselling? Do u cook together? Or maybe DIY? Or shopping for home products?

How old are you? You have no children and from what you say, you have no plans to.

You both sound like you want really different things. I think it’s worth thinking whether your husband wants children? A man cave in suburbia might suggest a desire to settle down.

Bump for you OP. I'm in a similar situation.

Hi OP,

I couldn't read and run. I have a close friend that's finally getting a divorce after a 22 year marriage that mirrors your situation. Absolutely nothing in common, no fighting, they do absolutely nothing together, they lived in separate portions of a very large house. They have 2 teenagers and he wanted to stay together for them. No arguing, cheating or bitterness, just complete apathy between them.

And there was absolutely no indication that either of them was married. As a matter of fact, when I first met him a few years ago I was super attracted. He's probably one of the sweetest, most emotionally open man I've ever met. We met at a gym that I work at and I couldn't work out if he was single/married or not. No ring, single gym membership, and no reference to a wife. I finally just asked him out after a few weeks. He let me know he was indeed married. I apologized, said I had no idea as there was no indication he was taken. And over the last couple of years we've just been really good friends.

At some point during lockdown, he decided he needed to end the marriage. Everyone in his family is relieved. His wife and kids are a-ok with it all. The relief and lack of passion kind of reinforced how it is indeed the right decision. He's now moved out of the house into his own house and is trying to re-create a new life at 52.

Don't let this be you and your DH. You both sound like lovely people, but unless you have those common interests and shared life goals, you don't really have a partnership. It's hard to laugh, feel passion and really connect without those things. Have you talked to him about perhaps splitting? I think you summed it up very well in your opening post, perhaps show him that? x