Relationship over.. was I in the wrong?

[5050not]

We moved in with DPs mum and sister after they had struggled for money. We found a place and agreed we would split the rent between all of us.

This hasn’t happened. They have paid £0 towards any rent or any bills for months. Dp has covered this for them without so much as a thank you, it’s just expected. All the while I’m made to feel crap when I ask for anything:

I had to pay for dds swimming lessons, some furniture for her room etc out of my savings because he didn’t have the money to contribute.

I mentioned gently this morning if he had spoken to them about the rent and he lost his mind. He was shouting at me telling him I’m trying to put his mother on the street (I never would!!) how I’m greedy, we have money to spare (really? Because I don’t see it!) etc and then went to his mum and told her I wanted them out.

It’s dragged on all day, I feel like I can’t live in the house with them anymore because they feel like I’ve tried to kick them out. This isn’t the first time he’s done this, he often runs to his mum and tells a twisted version of the argument.

Sorry for any typos I am a mess. I have no idea what to do. I feel ganged Up on here and have no where to go. Dp said he will take dd off me

Someone will be along shortly with better advice, but just wanted to say you have done nothing wrong, he sounds awful, and you will be better off out of this from the sounds of it (I do know how scary and hard it feels). And he CAN’T just take her off you. It’s an empty threat. But one only a wanker makes......

First things first, most of what you post is 'he said / he thinks.' He's not the boss so you don't have to listen or believe any of it.

You don't have to live there (and I would certainly be making plans to move out).
Practically, are you in a position to do this? Do you work? Are you a named tenant on the agreement for where you live? This will all effect the advice you'll get.

He won't take dd off you, he can't. There are millions of separated parents who share custody. If he's a good dad, he will see her and spend time with her. Does he work?

You are not being unreasonable to be annoyed and unhappy. He's putting his mum above you in your own home, acting like the boss to you but also like a child, running to his mum and telling tales.

If course he can't and won't take your daughter off you.

Please don't use that as a reason for staying with this utter mentalist and his relatives.

Where are your family?

You need to leave. You say you have nowhere to go - where are you family?

As others have said, there's no way he can "just take your child off you". That's not how it works. He's trying to bully you into silence and submission. He's also prioritising his family over his partner and child. He's not a good man.

Can you phone Women's Aid for some advice? Are you in a position to start looking for a place of your own to rent?

I don’t work at the moment but I’m a student midwife so do technically work full time hours but without being paid. I have no money, my student finance will come in in a few days but that goes into our joint account and it’s too late to change that. I’ll have to keep checking so I can move it over.

He works but is self employed so sometimes has weeks at a time off, however he also travels a lot (pre Covid anyway!) for work and can be away for months at a time.

I have family about an hour away but my mum is a hoarder and her house is unsafe for me to have dd there. In fact DP said he would take dd if I took her there. No money to get a hotel either! I honestly feel so panicked like I’m going to be sick and while dd sleeps so peacefully on me.

Sorry, I sound so illiterate I’m so anxious right now. I cannot believe I’m in this situation! Is it really so bad to wonder when his NT 40 year old sister will pay her portion of the rent?

Abusive men like to threaten to take children. Doesn't mean they can or will.

What about student housing?

Have you spoken to Women's Aid?

The next time he starts with his 'take her off you' you tell him smartly to shut his mouth, there is no 'taking off' anyone, your daughter isn't a toy and using that kind of language is the sign of an abolustley APPALLING parent with clearly no idea of what his responsibilities - not rights! - towards his daughter consist of.

If you split up, her contact with you both will be decided formally.

Any threats to try and damage your daughter's peace of mind with some appalling idea of a ridiculous custody fight will be recorded for what they are - domestic abuse.

Silly little man.

How old is your DD? How is care organised now, who has her when you are on shifts? I'd be making plans to move out, and yes, your daughter will be coming with you.

So DPs mum and sister think it's OK to live rent free, sponge off you, see you struggle and don't give a shit, how lovely of them!

I'd be speaking to them direct and reminding them what the agreement was, the money your DP is paying to cover them is money that should be for your family and it's leaving you short, if he won't listen to what you are saying, that he's being VU and a twat in my opinion and I'd be telling him that too

Before you tell us what a great dad he is - nah. Great dads don't behave like this and don't threaten the child's mother with "confiscating" the child whenever the mother doesn't do what he wants.

He can’t take your child so please don’t worry too much about that empty threat. It’s a threat designed to control you and keep you in line.
If you were to move out and become a single parent you would be entitled to universal credits and maintenance off your ex. Sounds like you’d need to plan the move quietly since you’re in a house with him and his family.

You are not in the wrong. He’s aggressive and rude and you’ve done nothing wrong. This relationship should finish because he’s weird, rude and disgusting. Men don’t run to their mothers like that. You can do better. Call your student advice dept at your university and ask for urgent help. They have hardship loans, counsellors, legal...they have lots of people who are paid especially to help in this kind of situation. Call them and email them now and say “I’m in an emergency domestic abuse situation and I need to get help and I need to get out with my child. Can you please advise me what help is available” explain you need your bursary switched to your account. Do this now as they might be able to emergency stop it. What university are you registered with?

Call student finance now. Say you want it changed to your account. Never get your money paid into his account ever again. From now on, you need to make sure you are financially independent. Your university probably have a nursery that can take your child while you study too? Forget what he says. He can’t take your child. You are a student midwife. You are about to enter one of the most respected professions on this entire planet. Puff your chest up. You know you’re better than this arsehole. Midwives rule.

Honestly I think the writing was on the wall here when you agreed to live with them as they were skint op.

Can you get out? With draw your money as soon as it comes in and leave rhe three of them to it?

Next time he says he will take your child you stand up tall, look him straight in the eye and say “of course you will. How exactly do you expect to look after her while you’re away for weeks at a time then hmmm?” Then cock your head as if you’re listening for his answer. Firm face. See this as an opportunity to learn how to put people like this in their place. You’ll be dealing with difficult men like this a lot as a midwife so you tell him what will be happening which is he will put your student money into your account and him and his family will move out and you’ll be contacting CMS for maintenance. You’ll let him know what access he can have. Start calling the shots Miss Midwife

You did nothing wrong.

Please contact www.womensaid.org.uk

Banking wise, do call the accounts department issuing your payment. They may be able to change the details for you.

Speak to uni about a hardship fund grant so you can get a deposit for rent, and also speak to student support services about accommodation.

You can also apply for universal credit as a single student parent.

Re child care, this will be more complicated as you work shifts. Do you have any friends or family that can help with childcare, that can have your child over night and do school drop offs ect?

Are you married to him?
The balance of power is all wrong here. There are three of them 'against' you and it won't get any better. Living with extended family can be very tough. He obviously isn't going to ask them for the money and won't tell them to leave. You can't control those aspects - but you can decide what happens for you and your DD. He can't take your DD from you, and if he works away a lot then you are her primary carer. He is using her as a way to try to control you and taking advantage of the situation.

If you separate from him and are a student and parent you will be entitled to universal credit and child maintenance, so the financial situation really is temporary. In the meantime could any family help you out financially to sort out a deposit for your own place? I know you feel trapped and that's how he wants it to be for you - but really there is a way out - even if you don't feel you can leave right now you can start planning your way out.