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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I really don't know where to start... this could be long!

49 replies

MeImAllSmiles · 07/10/2007 13:22

H and I just cannot communicate. We have five children between us, none together, we argue all the time about who has done what etc. Been together for 3 years now. Things are so bad that we haven't really been talking for about 3 weeks now, huge strain on my health. I have tried to jolly along and ignore the atmosphere but had enough last night. He is totally unprepared to talk about anything, told him he was pushing me further and further away and he still kept quiet apart from 'as long as we are not arguing we are ok' wtf! Just feel I am in such a dead end marriage, was soooo angry last night. He just will not talk under any circumstances, I am terrified of being a single parent but I can't live like this. Any advice gratefully appreciated.

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NAB3 · 07/10/2007 14:29

One step at a time.

Why do you have to go?

Whose house is it?

MeImAllSmiles · 07/10/2007 14:31

In both our names, just assume I will go coz he has more kids here.

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NAB3 · 07/10/2007 14:32

Feel like I want to shake you!

Wish I could do something to help but only you and he can sort this.

NAB3 · 07/10/2007 14:33

I am off to watch X Factor now so will come back after and I want something positive from you!!

MeImAllSmiles · 07/10/2007 14:34

I know NAB3, but he seriously will not talk. Even if i tell him Im leaving he will just take it, he is that apathetic but the funny thing is in the past he has tex that it would kill him if i left him or found someone else lol!!!

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MeImAllSmiles · 07/10/2007 14:35

Ok something positive, I'm going shopping tomorrow to by loads of 'stuff' just for me!

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duke748 · 07/10/2007 14:42

I have been in a similar situation myself, though with a partner not a husband.

I left him and I have to say it was a horrible few months. I wasn't sure that I had done the right thing but like you felt that I had tried so many times to make it right but with no input from him there was little more that I could do.

Now I have my own life can sit in my own home without any big cloud hanging over me and wondering when the next argument will come and what stupid thing it will be about.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do, I just wanted to let you know that the leaving option, although scary, can work out OK in the end.

MeImAllSmiles · 07/10/2007 14:53

Thank you Duke. Mind if I ask a few questions though? Where did you end up living, how did you afford it? These are the sort of things I am worried about.

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JJ2ndTime · 07/10/2007 15:41

I hope Duke748 gets back 2 ya as it would be awful to be just left hanging in your current state!

If you want to MSN(linechat) me, I'll be happy to discuss this away from the site

I have been there and done it but would prefer a one on one banter about it rather than talking here and just being a gossip column for people to visit for morbid pleasure

Sorry but it happens sometimes . . . JJx
[email protected]

duke748 · 07/10/2007 15:43

Although we wern't married we owned the house together and that probably made me stay longer than I should have.

I told him, then moved into the spare room. Then I used www.rightmove.co.uk to track down somewhere to rent. I had to go right up to my overdraft to be able to put down the deposit. Its very modest compared to where we lived together but the atmosphere is very relaxed and I love it.

We both went to the bank to get our joint accounts 'unjointed'. The house issue is still ongoing, mainly due to him being a pain and dragging his heels.

Luckily I work so money ongoing wasn't too much of a problem, though of course everything is more expensive when you buy for one instead of two.

I don't have any family nearby, so it wasn't an option for me, but have you thought that someone would put you up for a bit while you sort things out. Or could you ask him to move out as you have little ones? For me, I knew he would never get round to leaving and then I knew we'd still be living together years down the line, getting more and more frustrated!

It was very scary and I was really low for a few months. I have just got of that in the last few weeks and am enjoying my freedom. It can be done!

With being nervous of all the mundane things that need to be changed, just tackle each problem as a single one, because if you look at it all at once its seems insummountable.

I hope that helps a bit. Feel free to ask any more questions if you want.

x

NAB3 · 07/10/2007 15:51

Great news about the shopping trip!!

How would you feel if I told you he had been seeing me and wanted you to make him leave? Hence his apathetic behaviour.

ELMTREE · 07/10/2007 16:52

I really feel for you MeImAllSmiles. I am going through nearly the same, except that me and dh of 4 years have a 2year old together and we lived in tied housing with his job, so if we split, its me who has to leave. It scares the hell out of me making the break and have passed it over several times even when he got violent. I feel so weak and not sure what to do. My mum wants me to go to citizens advice to find out when I stand with benefits as a single mum etc and was tax credits i would get. She thinks this would make me feel slightly more braver on the situation. My shoulder is here babe.

Pages · 07/10/2007 17:41

It will be hard being a single parent again (presumably you were one before you met him, and managed?) but the energy being used up on the problem of being with him will be freed up, so in other ways life will be a lot easier.

I have two friends atm going through something similar, both of them say their DHs never argue or talk about anything, and both say that it's always been like that. Both relationships have come to an end. One of my friends is happy, the other devastated but both agree that a relationship can't work unless you can talk about things, and taht the not arguing was the worrying thing.

Sorry for what you are going through but you will survive, and who knows, you may not stay single for long - you could meet someone who is really on your wavelength and be happy.

fatslag · 07/10/2007 19:17

Here's a cheaper alternative (maybe). Announce to him that as far as you're concerned, your relationship is over and start divorce proceedings. Rearrange bedrooms so that you are no longer sharing with him (even if it means that you have to share with your children). Declare kitchen and bathroom shared zones. Install TV and computer in "your" room. And put a lock on the door. Separate as much as you can your financial affairs.

Arrange your life as if you had moved out... but don't move out.

I'm sure this would be horribly difficult in practise, but I think with some determination it could at the very least provoke some discussion. As for the family visit, do NOT play happy families. Either hide and let him deal with his rellies or tell them straight out.

Worth a thought?

duke748 · 07/10/2007 19:33

Fatslag - sorry but that sounds like a horrible idea to me! Worse than being in a relationship but being ignored.

The two weeks between telling him was over and me moving out were horrible - and that seems like an extended version of that. I definately would not recommend!

fatslag · 07/10/2007 20:06

Fair enough - can't help thinking that I would try it, though, if I were in that situation.

MeImAllSmiles · 07/10/2007 20:16

Thank you everyone for the advice, not had chance to digest it yet as he is lurking, will reply tomorrow. Thank you so much for the support.

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MeImAllSmiles · 08/10/2007 12:31

Been to docs today to get referred to counsellor, good start. I am starting to get angry now that he is treating me like this and am starting to think that actually as he has done and will do nothing to save this marriage why the heck should I live in a council house and on benefits, I want him to pay for somewhere to live (he can afford it btw) I feel he is making it impossible for us to live together. Will put this idea on Am I being unreasonable, but what do you think am I? Quick round up goes like this, been together 3 years no children together but I have two and then took on his three when ex wife died (drunk driving), eldest child very ill, long term (feel guilty about that too). Have had a terrible three years with differences in parenting and also outside 'forces' working against us.

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NAB3 · 08/10/2007 12:40

I hope this is the start of a wonderful new life for you all.

MeImAllSmiles · 08/10/2007 12:43

Thank you. What do you think, would this be asking too much of him?

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NAB3 · 08/10/2007 12:58

I don't know the legal side but surely he has a moral right to provide you and the children with somewhere to live - or to leave you in the house and he goes. Will you both keep your "own" children?

MeImAllSmiles · 08/10/2007 13:04

Legally perhaps not but strangly enough in the past we have talked about splitting and he has said that he would give me money each month, which at the time I said I wouldn't take as we don't have children together and his argument was that I am his wife, so he was obviously prepared to do something then. I think he knows he has let me down big time and will feel guilty. Yes we will keep our own children.

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GreebosWhiskers · 08/10/2007 15:29

MeImAllSmiles - I know what you're going through as my dh can be exactly the same. He goes in huffs at the slightest thing (or often nothing at all) & it can take days or even weeks for him to get out of it. During that time he'll ignore me talking to him & sometimes leave the room when I come in. He says he's depressed & fair enough - I've been there myself & know how awful it is but he refuses point blank to get help. He's not like that all the time (thank god) but when it is bad I have seriously considered leaving - what stops me is the same thing that's stopping you.

I really hope that you can get things sorted out so that you & the children are happy.

MeImAllSmiles · 08/10/2007 15:43

Thanks you. Men can be so childish sometimes and I really don't think they realise the damage is does. I hope your situation improves too.

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